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Well everyone around here is obsessed with who pays when. But personally, I find, particularly in the early stages, there is a different challenge.
So here is my problem. I aim to be open to try giving all sorts of men a chance (for dating), but we don't all make the same amount of money of course. I am relatively well paid, but not everyone is. I only suggest or go to places in my budget, but I realize my budget might be higher than other people's budgets. And I am also opening to spending more on food and beverages (this isn't a category I like to scrimp on) for higher quality stuff.
So that being said, this can pose a bit of a problem if a potential date makes less money! I did date a guy who made less than I did, and he hinted about it early on. Basically, he chose places in his budget he could pay for. And made alternative suggestions if he wanted to pay if my place was out of budget. And then other times I would pay for things in my budget. We essentially alternated who paid when.
In other cases, we went on more free dates, and less "paid dates."
So I guess this question is mostly for women (or whoever wants to take on the "submissive*" role in the relationship). What happens if you make more? And this is becoming more and more common these days as we get closer and closer to pay equity. Lots of women are paid well these days.
*Not that women are supposed to be submissive. But there is always a "leader" in every relationship,and that person usually likes to plan and pay for outings. And I want to be inclusive. Anyway let's think of it as two roles, the planner and the goer. The planner typically pays and the goer accompanies.
Well everyone around here is obsessed with who pays when. But personally, I find, particularly in the early stages, there is a different challenge.
So here is my problem. I aim to be open to try giving all sorts of men a chance (for dating), but we don't all make the same amount of money of course. I am relatively well paid, but not everyone is. I only suggest or go to places in my budget, but I realize my budget might be higher than other people's budgets. And I am also opening to spending more on food and beverages (this isn't a category I like to scrimp on) for higher quality stuff.
So that being said, this can pose a bit of a problem if a potential date makes less money! I did date a guy who made less than I did, and he hinted about it early on. Basically, he chose places in his budget he could pay for. And made alternative suggestions if he wanted to pay if my place was out of budget. And then other times I would pay for things in my budget. We essentially alternated who paid when.
In other cases, we went on more free dates, and less "paid dates."
So I guess this question is mostly for women (or whoever wants to take on the "submissive*" role in the relationship). What happens if you make more? And this is becoming more and more common these days as we get closer and closer to pay equity. Lots of women are paid well these days.
*Not that women are supposed to be submissive. But there is always a "leader" in every relationship,and that person usually likes to plan and pay for outings. And I want to be inclusive. Anyway let's think of it as two roles, the planner and the goer. The planner typically pays and the goer accompanies.
I went out with a guy earlier this year who makes about 45K/year less than me. He still paid for our dates. I expect nothing lavish. If he can't afford a casual chain restaurant or a couple of movie tickets, the income disparity is too great and we don't need to date.
Well everyone around here is obsessed with who pays when. But personally, I find, particularly in the early stages, there is a different challenge.
So here is my problem. I aim to be open to try giving all sorts of men a chance (for dating), but we don't all make the same amount of money of course. I am relatively well paid, but not everyone is. I only suggest or go to places in my budget, but I realize my budget might be higher than other people's budgets. And I am also opening to spending more on food and beverages (this isn't a category I like to scrimp on) for higher quality stuff.
So that being said, this can pose a bit of a problem if a potential date makes less money! I did date a guy who made less than I did, and he hinted about it early on. Basically, he chose places in his budget he could pay for. And made alternative suggestions if he wanted to pay if my place was out of budget. And then other times I would pay for things in my budget. We essentially alternated who paid when.
In other cases, we went on more free dates, and less "paid dates."
So I guess this question is mostly for women (or whoever wants to take on the "submissive*" role in the relationship). What happens if you make more? And this is becoming more and more common these days as we get closer and closer to pay equity. Lots of women are paid well these days.
*Not that women are supposed to be submissive. But there is always a "leader" in every relationship,and that person usually likes to plan and pay for outings. And I want to be inclusive. Anyway let's think of it as two roles, the planner and the goer. The planner typically pays and the goer accompanies.
If as you say, the planner pays, I suggest you simply let the guy plan and be happy with wherever he decides to take you.
When you are ready to plan and pay, you take him where you'd like.
I went out with a guy earlier this year who makes about 45K/year less than me. He still paid for our dates. I expect nothing lavish. If he can't afford a casual chain restaurant or a couple of movie tickets, the income disparity is too great and we don't need to date.
I forgot to add, I'm ok with alternating paying for dates, but I'm just saying that he needs to be able to afford the activity when it's his turn. lol
I would think that you should keep early dates to neutral territory that is likely to be affordable for both of you - keeping things low stakes makes it easier to focus on having a good time and getting to know one another anyway. And of course this varies by person and also by generation, but many people pay for just their portion of the bill, which can relieve a lot of unnecessary stress around eating choices. But ultimately, you'll have to make a decision - if a more expensive way of life is important to you to enjoy frequently, it would make sense to date someone within your income range, OR someone you know is comfortable with you paying (if you don't mind footing the bill simply to enjoy the things you like with them).
Realistically, if you're looking to eventually get serious with someone this is a red flag anyway - anyone who makes less then you and is not comfortable with you paying is going to have an issue throughout the relationship that you have more money (and thus more power in their estimation), and their insecurity is always going to be an issue. To weed this out, it would be a good idea to seek out someone in your same economic class, or to have a discussion after the first few dates about your feelings about financial inequality in relationships. You can discuss it in a general way without even making it about the two of you, if you are early on in the relationship - like, a friend of yours just had this issue with a guy and they broke up over it, I think that's too bad since this is more and more common in our society - what do you think? Or you can certainly be more direct and say "I really like you, but I don't want our differences in income to be an issue. I still want to do these things because I find them fun, and I have no problem paying." Not everyone will give you an honest answer, or they may think they're ok with it and find out they're not, but it is a good start so no one's time is wasted.
I am someone who enjoys free things most of the time, and who pays for my own portion of the bill early on, but on the occasional time when I want to do something special I like to be generous. I would not advertise that ahead of time so as not to attract the "gigolo" type, but if someone does not feel they are my equal and cannot be secure within themselves, then I don't want to date them anyway. I need someone to be my intellectual equal, and to have some ambition. If after that they make less because of the luck of the draw or because they chose a job with dignity but a small paycheck, I would expect them to be mature enough to understand that our only difference is in life paths, not in capability, and so their paycheck says nothing bad about them if they work hard at what they do. I'm not attracted to somebody who doesn't try, though. As long as they are intelligent and interesting and hard-working, I would expect them to appreciate that I make enough money to pamper both of us a little after a long hard week of work. To me, money is only fun when you can share it. I would support someone in their ambition to make more in their career, but it's not a big deal to me if they never make as much for whatever reason.
I take the traditional role and pick up the tab 95 percent of the time. If I dated a woman who made more than me I may reconsider this approach. Like Jade I don't mind "spending more on food and beverages". I'm going to eat at nice places whether I'm alone or on a date so it's a no brainer. If I didn't make much I would probably just scale down the amount of times going out.
What I don't get is a Friend of mine who makes good money, has a lot in the bank, and still expects his date to split the tab
I take the traditional role and pick up the tab 95 percent of the time. If I dated a woman who made more than me I may reconsider this approach. Like Jade I don't mind "spending more on food and beverages". I'm going to eat at nice places whether I'm alone or on a date so it's a no brainer. If I didn't make much I would probably just scale down the amount of times going out.
What I don't get is a Friend of mine who makes good money, has a lot in the bank, and still expects his date to split the tab
You just can't help some people LS Juan, they have to learn things the hard way
What I don't get is a Friend of mine who makes good money, has a lot in the bank, and still expects his date to split the tab
If it's the first date with someone he doesn't know that well, I don't see a problem with what your friend is doing. He has made a sound financial decision. If he asks the woman out on a 2nd date (or vice versa), I think that's when the party asking should bare the responsibility for the full bill. Later on in the relationship, I think it should become more of a partnership in that the bill is typically split 50/50. That said, it's totally advisable and appropriate IMO to have romantic dates with your partner well into the relationship where one party pays for the other party. Romance is a very important part of a relationship after all. Also, romance doesn't necessarily equate to $$$. If it does, then s/he doesn't love you for you; s/he loves you for what you can provide him/her.
This is not pre-1950 anymore. Women work in high-earning positions. They have good jobs and make as much or more than men. They need to bare some of the financial responsibility in a relationship. If you want equal rights, you can't pick and choose which aspects you want to uphold based on what's most convenient to you.
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