Paying for dates when there is a significant income differential

[stan4]

If you think I see any interpersonal relationships in terms of ROI, then we have ZERO in common.

Not when I had no money and not now when I have plenty.

[Adhom]

Originally Posted by jade408

Well everyone around here is obsessed with who pays when. But personally, I find, particularly in the early stages, there is a different challenge.

So here is my problem. I aim to be open to try giving all sorts of men a chance (for dating), but we don't all make the same amount of money of course. I am relatively well paid, but not everyone is. I only suggest or go to places in my budget, but I realize my budget might be higher than other people's budgets. And I am also opening to spending more on food and beverages (this isn't a category I like to scrimp on) for higher quality stuff.

So that being said, this can pose a bit of a problem if a potential date makes less money! I did date a guy who made less than I did, and he hinted about it early on. Basically, he chose places in his budget he could pay for. And made alternative suggestions if he wanted to pay if my place was out of budget. And then other times I would pay for things in my budget. We essentially alternated who paid when.

In other cases, we went on more free dates, and less "paid dates."

So I guess this question is mostly for women (or whoever wants to take on the "submissive*" role in the relationship). What happens if you make more? And this is becoming more and more common these days as we get closer and closer to pay equity. Lots of women are paid well these days.


*Not that women are supposed to be submissive. But there is always a "leader" in every relationship,and that person usually likes to plan and pay for outings. And I want to be inclusive. Anyway let's think of it as two roles, the planner and the goer. The planner typically pays and the goer accompanies.

Just find a man who makes enough money, problem solved. I don't see the dilemma. And no, a man making much less shouldn't feel like he should support your lavish tastes regardless of what traditional role you want him to play. We've moved beyond that.

[Butterflyfish]

I've almost always earned about the same or slightly more money than my suitors. I was always pretty receptive to however they wanted to court me... unless it was sports... bleh, no thanks, I'll pass.

I feel that you can eat quality foods without spending a ton of money. There's nothing better than frosty cold drinks with spicy ethnic food, so that really was no issue for me. A lot of my favorite dates were hiking or sailing or picnics on hillsides, which I love! Also, I like to cook so once we were past the stage of formal dating, I cooked meals in a lot for my man. We both enjoyed that.

[jade408]

Originally Posted by JJS99

How much do you make and what is the differential?

I know couples with a differential of about $300,000. As in, one party makes $300,000 and the other party makes nothing. And MANY more with a differential over 100K.

And when I say couples, they are married and their finances are all combined and it's serious business.

So, if you're talking about a difference of about 50K in the dating stage, that's not really significant in the big picture.

It depends. If one person makes $150k and someone else makes $200k, then yes it isn't a big difference.

If you are talking $30k and $80k, then it is a big difference. Or $50k and $100k in a high cost metro.

Things are different when finances are combined (or married) it is not important since you have a life together. In the dating stages it is much much different.

[2mares]

[quote=zoomzoom3;35907189]

That's why going dutch in the beginning/just getting to know you phase is best.
When each person pays for themselves there really are no expectations of any
sort. I if I wait till I've established some sort of relationship with the
other party then I have no problem paying.

I agree, but the getting to know each other should be a simple get together for coffee or some other small, inexpensive meeting not dinner.

I'm not one of those guys who
expects to get some just because I've paid
for a nice dinner, but if I'm in an
established relationship with that
person, I'm likely going to get some anyway
lol.

I also don't buy drinks for anyone if I'm out at a bar or lounge because I've
seen attractive girls use their looks & charm to sucker some poor guy into
subsidizing their inebriation. They'll make the guy think he's going to get
something in return at the end of the night but nearly every time they're just
going to say "Thanks, bye!" and the guy never hears from them again. I always
just go dutch in these situations & ask them to have a drink with me, or
I've even been bold enough in the past to ask them if they'd buy ME a drink. If
they bought me one, I'd always buy one for them in return, or compensate them in
some other manner *wink*

Why would your mind even go to getting some? That's what I'm saying. How does buying someone a beer or coffee get to "getting some". I guess if one has the mindset that being in another persons company is a type of exchange of goods or services what you will end up with is a business transaction in stead of a relationship.

[maastricht789]

Girlfriend feels I should always pay for dinner....even after 5 months of dating. Comments?