Probably shouldn't be posting this... (dating, boyfriend, marry, girls)
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A woman can state a million times that they just want to vent. That doesn't matter. It's a man's nature to fix it. That's what we do.
As I said before, you pray for the other person for YOU, not them. You can do this in such a way that you get free of the RESENTMENT. You owe that to yourself, not her. You did say you may dislike or even hate her. Hey, that's truth. We humans do that. We judge, at least from some level. We can't live without our ego, so we're stuck with it.
If you pray for her in the right way, you wont be tied to the result. You also have to accept that she may change. God does that. Some people don't want that to happen. That's the ego part of us. If you get free of the resentment, then what? That's the really scary part. But that's where you get free.
Resentment is poison that I drink to try to hurt you. I know a lot about getting free of resentment. Inevidibly, I set the ball rolling somewhere along the line.
If you don't want advice, please don't read any further;
To kill a resentment (3 column format):
Column 1
Who hurt threatened or interfered with you
Column 2
What they did to you. Be specific. Treat each resentment separately.
Column 3
(each of these are our God-given instincts needed to survive:
Self Esteem: I AM... the mother, the GM, the MIL, etc...
Security: I need... what you need to be ok in each of these roles
Ambition: I want... what you want or feel entitled to in each of these roles
Personal Relations: your thought on how your fellow women should act...
Pocketbook: money...
You do that and share it with a close-mouth-friend or spiritual advisor.
It's a way to trick your ego to get after the truth. Sometimes people wrong us. What is it about us that lets this happen? The DIL is only one person. You do enough of these inventories, you'll see that Column 1 becomes less important. It becomes a fill-in-the blank. Sometimes, people are like a tornado and continue to hurt people. But most people don't wake up each morning and think, "What can I do today to harm Creme?" If they do, then that's just evil. It's very rare. You want to avoid these types like the plague.
In a spiritual way, regardless of the column 1 you can have a shift in consciousness and learn that some are PERHAPS spiritually sick. Pray to be free of anger. Ask how you can help that person, especially if there's some reason that you might HAVE to interact with them for a time.
Then in time, you might find a couple of things in yourself that might set the ball rolling. You ask God to remove them. You sometimes have to pray to become willing to have God remove them. God has a sense of humor. Some of your defects may be spiritual growth for the next person.
Then and only then can you even think about making an ammend where you may have caused harm.
When I make and ammend, I say "Im trying to better my life and this is what I must do. I'm sweeping off my side of the street and I'd like to have a talk with you." If they agree, then you say, "I've done this and this and would like to set this right with you. What can I do to set it right?" Then the hard part, "Is there anything else?"
A woman can state a million times that they just want to vent. That doesn't matter. It's a man's nature to fix it. That's what we do.
As I said before, you pray for the other person for YOU, not them. You can do this in such a way that you get free of the RESENTMENT. You owe that to yourself, not her. You did say you may dislike or even hate her. Hey, that's truth. We humans do that. We judge, at least from some level. We can't live without our ego, so we're stuck with it.
If you pray for her in the right way, you wont be tied to the result. You also have to accept that she may change. God does that. Some people don't want that to happen. That's the ego part of us. If you get free of the resentment, then what? That's the really scary part. But that's where you get free.
Resentment is poison that I drink to try to hurt you. I know a lot about getting free of resentment. Inevidibly, I set the ball rolling somewhere along the line.
If you don't want advice, please don't read any further;
To kill a resentment (3 column format):
Column 1
Who hurt threatened or interfered with you
Column 2
What they did to you. Be specific. Treat each resentment separately.
Column 3
(each of these are our God-given instincts needed to survive:
Self Esteem: I AM... the mother, the GM, the MIL, etc...
Security: I need... what you need to be ok in each of these roles
Ambition: I want... what you want or feel entitled to in each of these roles
Personal Relations: your thought on how your fellow women should act...
Pocketbook: money...
You do that and share it with a close-mouth-friend or spiritual advisor.
It's a way to trick your ego to get after the truth. Sometimes people wrong us. What is it about us that lets this happen? The DIL is only one person. You do enough of these inventories, you'll see that Column 1 becomes less important. It becomes a fill-in-the blank. Sometimes, people are like a tornado and continue to hurt people. But most people don't wake up each morning and think, "What can I do today to harm Creme?" If they do, then that's just evil. It's very rare. You want to avoid these types like the plague.
In a spiritual way, regardless of the column 1 you can have a shift in consciousness and learn that some are PERHAPS spiritually sick. Pray to be free of anger. Ask how you can help that person, especially if there's some reason that you might HAVE to interact with them for a time.
Then in time, you might find a couple of things in yourself that might set the ball rolling. You ask God to remove them. You sometimes have to pray to become willing to have God remove them. God has a sense of humor. Some of your defects may be spiritual growth for the next person.
Then and only then can you even think about making an ammend where you may have caused harm.
When I make and ammend, I say "Im trying to better my life and this is what I must do. I'm sweeping off my side of the street and I'd like to have a talk with you." If they agree, then you say, "I've done this and this and would like to set this right with you. What can I do to set it right?" Then the hard part, "Is there anything else?"
I hear crickets...
whoa....
How can I ever thank you...I'm going to print this up and read it over and over again...makes perfect sense...not to mention....you took the time to write that...thanks Dad...although, no doubt, I'm probably a tad older then you...but you've given me hope,and that is all one needs..
Love and hugs to you...
Creme...
thanks for hitting me with that 2 x 4, the one still in your hand.....
I appreciate your time....I do....
My sympathies for the loss of your mother and the struggles with your son.
I think you've received wonderful thoughts so far that I surely can't add anything too. However, I will say that I have no doubt your son loves you and probably feels much more torn over his situation than you have any idea about. I don't think there's anything wrong or "bad" about your decision to distance yourself. I do think that one day your son will probably decide he's had enough. That happens in these kinds of deals - a spouse/person gets enough of the craziness and takes charge of their life to get it back on track in a healthy manner. I imagine when that happens that you and he will be able to share your thoughts/pain/anger/hurts/fears and renew the bond that you both deserve to have as a mother and son. Right now, the distance is probably good to allow you to sort out things in your own mind and actually to allow this DIL to cut her nose off so to speak. If you're not in the picture, how can she or anyone blame you for problems? They can't. Your son will begin to understand.
My sympathies for the loss of your mother and the struggles with your son.
I think you've received wonderful thoughts so far that I surely can't add anything too. However, I will say that I have no doubt your son loves you and probably feels much more torn over his situation than you have any idea about. I don't think there's anything wrong or "bad" about your decision to distance yourself. I do think that one day your son will probably decide he's had enough. That happens in these kinds of deals - a spouse/person gets enough of the craziness and takes charge of their life to get it back on track in a healthy manner. I imagine when that happens that you and he will be able to share your thoughts/pain/anger/hurts/fears and renew the bond that you both deserve to have as a mother and son. Right now, the distance is probably good to allow you to sort out things in your own mind and actually to allow this DIL to cut her nose off so to speak. If you're not in the picture, how can she or anyone blame you for problems? They can't. Your son will begin to understand.
Hugs to you tonight Creme.
whew, yes, that is how I feel, and I'm real tired of him being caught in the middle, I tried to tell her once, how hard this much be hurting him and she screamed at me..."It's not about him", it's about you and me??????
I just think, right now, I can't really take any more....why? Because up until now, I haven't spazed out on her...and I really do fear, I might, especially when she interrupts and tells me what I can and cannot talk about....in her presence.
But yeah, you are right....I feel right now, I'm doing what is best for everyone, not just me...besides, I'm real tired of the whole deal...and I know some people might think, how can she do that....believe me, it was not an easy decission.
I want to thank you all, not only for taking the time to read, but also to answer...believe the best thing right now is to print this out and keep reading it....when it gets a little tough....
but you all did offer some very wise words and effective exercises to do in the meantime....
And in time this too shall pass like a fog that lifts on the early morning breeze and is confided to our memories, and a new day shall shine brightly on the rising Sun. creme, may you have many risings Suns...
It was a difficult holiday this year....we lost our mom...
Sorry for the loss of your Mom, creme. Mothers are irreplaceable... no matter when we lose them...
I know that even though your son is alive you feel as if you've lost him, too. There's really nothing you can do about it. One has to see the light on his own. Nobody learns from other people's mistakes; nobody even wants to listen to them. That's how I was. Pretty sure you were the same way, too. People want to make their own mistakes. Such is life...
As a mother, did you always do the best you could at the time?
As a mother in law, did you?
As a grandmother?
If the answer is yes, then try to realize that you have no control over the behavior of others and now you deserve to have a peaceful life and to do whatever is necessary to be happy. Let go of whatever is toxic in your life. Its the only life you're going to get.
What a sad situation. I'd say stop the tug of war with your son's wife. Don't lecture your son anymore and fall into the I told you so role. Just be there when he needs you and just love him unconditionally. Too often I've seen the most loving parents produce children that grow up, make some questionable choices and drift away from their families for a while, sometime permanently.
I guess this is why I say to parents that don't have children and count on them taking care of you later on. Once they become adults, fall in love and marry, they are off to have their own lives.
Anyway, I know that you are a good person and that you raised your son well and in the best way you could. But he is an adult now, so let him go. Your job as a parent is done, now focus on yourself and find other passions and activities to occupy yourself. Do some volunteer work, mentor a child.
One day, your son will return to you. Just greet him with open arms and lots of love. Don't say anything about his dreadful ex, because if you do, it will only make him hesitate to return to you. Just keep that door open for him and your granddaughter. Keep sending birthday and Christmas presents. If you think that the ex will interfere with them, mail or drop them off where he works.
I have a dear friend in Iowa. My heart breaks for her. She is many years divorced. Her son has just graduated from law school and his schooling was paid for with a combination of loans and all the money she inherited from her late and awful mother. She is struggling to make ends meet. Her son never visits her, when she is in his city he avoids her, and he has also coldly told her to never expect any financial help from him. Meanwhile, he is still fond of his dad's side of the family, even though his dad never helped pay for college or law school. Oh and his college that was paid for by his mom was located in Hawaii. So this Christmas, I gave her a warm down jacket from Cabelas that I found on eBay. I told her that I wished that I could do more for her. And I told her that if I ever won Powerball, I would really take care of her. However, I would make sure that her son would never be affected by my generosity to her. She understood, and I think she felt better because I felt and understood her disappointment with her son. She's been the best mom she could to that young selfish man. So what if she wasn't a rich supermodel mother that he could be proud of?
Anyway, these stories make me feel sad and frustrated. Big hugs to you creme!!! I hope you know how much all of us here at C-D love ya!!!!!
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Mothers are irreplaceable... no matter when we lose them...
