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Alright I need some advice, before I turn to some professional help before I make any life changing decisions.
Background
We are both late 20s, been married for 3 years, have a daughter together who is also 3. We separated 8 months ago, went back to our parents to regroup. She moved out of her parents and got an apartment, didn't tell me. I found out from my daughter who kept saying new house. So she got caught their. Then when I kept asking about it she said she hasn't moved in yet. After a month or two we fall deeper into a bad rut with more arguments on why we separated. I stopped asking where she lived because we would argue about it.
Now we are 8 months down the road, been living in this house i've been renting for 5 months, she doesn't want to move in with me, until I do school full time and knock out my degree in network administration to get a career job. Until then, she will not bring my daughter and her to live with me as a family.
I ask everyday where does she lives now she just laughs it off says i'm dumb, tells me she already told me where she lives. Mind you I find out 3 days ago what apartment she lives at by investigating and found out she told me the wrong apartment, wasn't sunset ridge it was sunrise apartments a block down. Now she wont tell me what apartment number and wont let me visit.
We work Monday through Friday, we have lunch 3 times a week on lunch breaks at work, she works close to me and we can meet up for lunch. She drops my daughter off on Friday nights and I keep her until Sunday evening . On those Friday and Saturday nights she is hard to get in contact with over the phone. I ask her if she seeing anyone and she says no. There is no one she would ever want to be with. She only wants to be with me and she only loves me and she wants to have a bigger family. That's why the ultimatum she put in place is to do school full time so I can get back into my previous career. After doing this, it will show her I love her enough to do what she ask to move back in. She does have a college degree at a university, and a great job. I have a good job use to do computer tech work for 5 years now and have a bunch of comptuer certs, but now Im a Repair Jeweler. Get paid close to the same, but once I become a B+ and A+ Jeweler, that's only entry level pay as a network administrator.
I honestly think she is having any affair at that apartment of hers. Maybe its my paranoia, but I never seen the inside of her place. I believe she still wants me because we have a child and she wants more next year, but she is having a good time with a guy right now, so why stop if I'm sitting here being loyal and waiting for her. That's what I think is happening, who knows.
This thanksgiving, we were suppose to hangout we hungout for a movie at the theater. We were together from 5:30pm to 8:00pm then she said she had to pick up my daughter from her moms so she couldn't come in. We just kiss not even make out. That's all we do just kiss here and their. No sex really twice in 8 months, thats because I took her and my daughter to stay at disneyland and another time when we went to seaworld 1 night hotel stays. I think she lied on getting my daughter because I asked to say HI to my daughter. My wife proceeded to say Hi Jane Hi Jane, I guess Jane doesn't want to talk. Everytime I talk to her she says Jane Tell Daddy Hi, not just Say Hit Jane. I said let me say hi, I say hi talk to her for like 1 mi and Nothing. She said she's grumpy from waking up at my moms when I picked her up. I was suspicious so I kept her on the phone. My wife reluctantly stayed but, throughout the 45 mins phone call, I got put on hold 4 times, I kept hearing noises in the background, she wasn't really talking, my wife kept trying to get off and go to the shower, the whole conversation. Didn't hear my daughter once and she wasn't brought up once, caught her in a lie saying she was going shopping at 3 o clock in the am, I'm like how with our daughter, my wife said I'm dropping her off at my moms, at 3 o clock you just picked her up. That's when I knew she didn't pick her up. Got off the phone because of shower, then she never called back like she was suppose to I called back several times no answer. My wife called at 4:40am saying she at the store shopping. Saying she fell asleep.
So I know I ran that on, but any advice would truly be appreciated, I'm at the end, been married for 3 years known her for 7 years, have a 3 year old daughter and she wants more. I want to divorce because i'm hurting every night not knowing. I want to start the end process and continue school, fully commit. But on the other side I want my family and I want my wife. I don't want to divorce.
Advice thanks. I really need it before I proceed.
Somewhere along the way your wife lost all respect for you.
When respect is gone, the relationship is generally doomed.
Call a marriage counselor or call a lawyer, but DO something!
I agree with the poster who said she would not tell you where she lives because she wants her privacy and does not want you coming over especially if things do not work out between you . It is possible she is going out on the weekends maybe with her girlfriends for a girls night out but yes maybe with another man. You are separated after all and so in her eyes that may make it okay to see others while you are living apart.
The part about requiring you to finish school before she moves back in has me concerned. Is she really that materialistic? Does she look down on your current job? It bothers me that she does not accept you for who you currently are.
Sorry, when you have minor children involved(in this case a 3yr old daughter) you need to know where your child is living. The "privacy" is OK for childless couples, not in this case.
In the event of an emergency the OP has a right to know where his child is. What if the mother fell and hit her head in the apt. or had some health issue and passed out. He was supposed to go through contacting her mother and hoping she is cooperative when he can't reach her? I don't think so. He was smart to do a little detective work.
You have a right to know where your child is staying so yes you should know where she lives. Also, I would demand to know if another person is residing in the apartment with my child.
On another note, how convenient for her that you take your daughter every weekend. What a great life she has!! She gets to be with her daughter 5 days a week and then gets to live it up and party on the weekend. She'll never move back in! I would start taking your daughter every other weekend and a couple nights during the week. Make her be a parent!
Good luck, divorce stinks so I get why you don't want one. As I read your post I keep thinking she just wants to live it up. Don't let her.
I think that you should seriously consider getting a divorce. I'm not sure if you are doing a trial separation, but if you are, there would be an outline of the way things would be worked out, while you were in it.....
It doesn't sound like that is the case. You seem hurt, because she is disrespecting you. And if that's the case, then divorce her, and enforce your rights as a father, with court ordered custody. I can tell you, that it's highly unlikely that your marriage will ever be the same. And if you continue to feel that she is lying, betraying you, etc...that those feelings, no matter how hard you try to hide from her, will always be there and visible. With those feeling, you are in no position to even keep her interest, it's the opposite, and you are probably pushing her away......
You have a right to know where your child is staying so yes you should know where she lives. Also, I would demand to know if another person is residing in the apartment with my child.
On another note, how convenient for her that you take your daughter every weekend. What a great life she has!! She gets to be with her daughter 5 days a week and then gets to live it up and party on the weekend. She'll never move back in! I would start taking your daughter every other weekend and a couple nights during the week. Make her be a parent!
Good luck, divorce stinks so I get why you don't want one. As I read your post I keep thinking she just wants to live it up. Don't let her.
While I can see what you mean about her having weekends to herself, being the fun parent on weekends only is not the same as the parent who is responsible for taking them to medical and dental appointments, and once school-aged, making sure they're doing their homework, taking them to after school activities, etc.
But I agree that while you shouldn't stalk or harass someone, you do have a right to know where your child lives.
Wow. this is a lot to take in. So much good advice here. Read and reread all of it. Will keep doing so also. I will reply individually to everyone when I have more time.
Just to clarify somethings.
I'm no where near stalker level. Just going through different emotional stresses will make you into someone your not. I still do not know what apartment number it is, I stopped letting it bother me for the most part. Been to her job twice. She comes to mine. Talk to her parents maybe once every 2-3 months.
My wife swears once I full time school for the semester we will get back together. Then we can have another child in august. In my mind I'm saying wow its going to be magic like that. What's with this mentally confusing situation. She says, why cant you do this for me if you love me.
This statement along with others, made me seek a therapist, my mind is torn. Because it seems from here on out it will never be the same and is it worth salvaging what we built.
The state of where my mind is at after 10 months of this arrangement is to keep it this way and just move on and start a new. Mentally exhausted, ready to pay for therapy sessions, so I can fix all this hurt I feel and move on.
Was going to cut it here, but I cant understand how my wife women I known for 7 years, which I moved her into my home payed for everything, once she got her new double paying job, could not start contributing to help me while I was pay check to pay check paying the bills. Now its up to me to get a higher paying job to get back in the situation again to pay the bills better this time around.
Only reason I feel problems started, was when, I got laid off from my computer tech job. After that I applied everywhere, landed a part time jeweler apprentice job after 8 months. Mind you still paying all the bills with savings. Money got tight. Had to sale my home I bought when I was younger before I met her. So I can boost my savings again, gave her 5k to line her savings also4, then we rented a house for a year.
That's when I really started noticing the problems coming. Start seeing text from different guys/coworkers. Caught her 6 months into living in this rented house, saying she wish she was living with the guy she was texting. How she would be so much happier. That guy was saying how he could take care of her. The conversation with this guy from the text went on for 2 months. I confronted her, she was saying he doesn't matter, and how he is a military guy that lives in another state. After this I change towards her, I lost trust and lost my man hood.
This is when my toon changed, why am I paying for everything and I cant even get the respect for her not to talk to anybody. So now are arguments are how she needs to start paying some bills around the house. I make 2000 take home a month she got a new job making 3200 take home a month. Before she was making 1400 take home a month. She says how when we first got together I told her she could be a stay at home mom and wouldn't have to work. She could go to back to school for her masters. Which I told her all this, but after my job lost, selling of my home, something has to change.
Arguments continued, until the day our lease was over. Moved to where we could. I went to stay at my father for a month till I could get a new house to rent in the great neighborhood, where we wanted. Thought when I got the new house she would move back in. She surprise me and told me she got a spot, of course other side of town not so good neighborhood, and that was the begging of the end. Never got a penny for any bills. Now I give her 500 a month for our daughter. Glad I got my daughter out the whole thing. Still love my wife, but looking at it, doesn't seem to fair a marriage.
I know a lot of this is run on, but I don't talk to anyone about my problems. All my problems are held in while I do my day to day task adjusting to this new life without my daughter or wife. SO when I start typing about my problems, it just keeps going and going. This forum helps me vent a lot, but reading in here made me realize I have internal problems that need fixing. I do to much to make my spouse happy when do I come in. That's why I'm hoping my new journey with this therapist is a life changer. It better be for 100 an hour. HAHA
Thanks everyone, big big help. The older you get the tougher life gets, turned 27 three days ago, did I see or hear from my daughter, not hearing your 3 year daughter tell you happy birthday, now that hurts.
Red flag to me is. when you lost your job that made more money she started talking to other guys. She is just out for who can cake her the best. MoveOn she's not worth it. They will be other bad times in your life. She has just proven with the first bad Time that she is not in it for the long-haul
You've seen her true colors. Things never get better after that. Move on.
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at the theater. We were together from 5:30pm to 8:00pm then she said she had to pick up my daughter from her moms so she couldn't come in. We just kiss not even make out. That's all we do just kiss here and their. No sex really twice in 8 months, thats because I took her and my daughter to stay at disneyland and another time when we went to seaworld 1 night hotel stays. I think she lied on getting my daughter because I asked to say HI to my daughter. My wife proceeded to say Hi Jane Hi Jane, I guess Jane doesn't want to talk. Everytime I talk to her she says Jane Tell Daddy Hi, not just Say Hit Jane. I said let me say hi, I say hi talk to her for like 1 mi and Nothing. She said she's grumpy from waking up at my moms when I picked her up. I was suspicious so I kept her on the phone. My wife reluctantly stayed but, throughout the 45 mins phone call, I got put on hold 4 times, I kept hearing noises in the background, she wasn't really talking, my wife kept trying to get off and go to the shower, the whole conversation. Didn't hear my daughter once and she wasn't brought up once, caught her in a lie saying she was going shopping at 3 o clock in the am, I'm like how with our daughter, my wife said I'm dropping her off at my moms, at 3 o clock you just picked her up. That's when I knew she didn't pick her up. Got off the phone because of shower, then she never called back like she was suppose to I called back several times no answer. My wife called at 4:40am saying she at the store shopping. Saying she fell asleep.
