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Alright I need some advice, before I turn to some professional help before I make any life changing decisions.
Background
We are both late 20s, been married for 3 years, have a daughter together who is also 3. We separated 8 months ago, went back to our parents to regroup. She moved out of her parents and got an apartment, didn't tell me. I found out from my daughter who kept saying new house. So she got caught their. Then when I kept asking about it she said she hasn't moved in yet. After a month or two we fall deeper into a bad rut with more arguments on why we separated. I stopped asking where she lived because we would argue about it.
Now we are 8 months down the road, been living in this house i've been renting for 5 months, she doesn't want to move in with me, until I do school full time and knock out my degree in network administration to get a career job. Until then, she will not bring my daughter and her to live with me as a family.
I ask everyday where does she lives now she just laughs it off says i'm dumb, tells me she already told me where she lives. Mind you I find out 3 days ago what apartment she lives at by investigating and found out she told me the wrong apartment, wasn't sunset ridge it was sunrise apartments a block down. Now she wont tell me what apartment number and wont let me visit.
We work Monday through Friday, we have lunch 3 times a week on lunch breaks at work, she works close to me and we can meet up for lunch. She drops my daughter off on Friday nights and I keep her until Sunday evening . On those Friday and Saturday nights she is hard to get in contact with over the phone. I ask her if she seeing anyone and she says no. There is no one she would ever want to be with. She only wants to be with me and she only loves me and she wants to have a bigger family. That's why the ultimatum she put in place is to do school full time so I can get back into my previous career. After doing this, it will show her I love her enough to do what she ask to move back in. She does have a college degree at a university, and a great job. I have a good job use to do computer tech work for 5 years now and have a bunch of comptuer certs, but now Im a Repair Jeweler. Get paid close to the same, but once I become a B+ and A+ Jeweler, that's only entry level pay as a network administrator.
I honestly think she is having any affair at that apartment of hers. Maybe its my paranoia, but I never seen the inside of her place. I believe she still wants me because we have a child and she wants more next year, but she is having a good time with a guy right now, so why stop if I'm sitting here being loyal and waiting for her. That's what I think is happening, who knows.
This thanksgiving, we were suppose to hangout we hungout for a movie at the theater. We were together from 5:30pm to 8:00pm then she said she had to pick up my daughter from her moms so she couldn't come in. We just kiss not even make out. That's all we do just kiss here and their. No sex really twice in 8 months, thats because I took her and my daughter to stay at disneyland and another time when we went to seaworld 1 night hotel stays. I think she lied on getting my daughter because I asked to say HI to my daughter. My wife proceeded to say Hi Jane Hi Jane, I guess Jane doesn't want to talk. Everytime I talk to her she says Jane Tell Daddy Hi, not just Say Hit Jane. I said let me say hi, I say hi talk to her for like 1 mi and Nothing. She said she's grumpy from waking up at my moms when I picked her up. I was suspicious so I kept her on the phone. My wife reluctantly stayed but, throughout the 45 mins phone call, I got put on hold 4 times, I kept hearing noises in the background, she wasn't really talking, my wife kept trying to get off and go to the shower, the whole conversation. Didn't hear my daughter once and she wasn't brought up once, caught her in a lie saying she was going shopping at 3 o clock in the am, I'm like how with our daughter, my wife said I'm dropping her off at my moms, at 3 o clock you just picked her up. That's when I knew she didn't pick her up. Got off the phone because of shower, then she never called back like she was suppose to I called back several times no answer. My wife called at 4:40am saying she at the store shopping. Saying she fell asleep.
So I know I ran that on, but any advice would truly be appreciated, I'm at the end, been married for 3 years known her for 7 years, have a 3 year old daughter and she wants more. I want to divorce because i'm hurting every night not knowing. I want to start the end process and continue school, fully commit. But on the other side I want my family and I want my wife. I don't want to divorce.
Advice thanks. I really need it before I proceed.
Last edited by CaliOwlS; 11-29-2014 at 10:50 PM..
Reason: Fixed it up
She's not that into you anymore. She wants to keep the relationship civil for your child's sake. She is keeping you on the back burner, just in case she decides to reunite with you.
Your post is really difficult to read. Very disjointed. Sentences that don't make sense. What does ""When Friday night hits she's hard to get in contact with saturdays hard" mean? Are you legally separated with some kind of shared custody, or is there only an informal agreement about you getting the child on weekends?
Will she agree to couples counseling? That should be your next step. It may be the only way you'll get an answer from her about what's going on. Have you two ever been to counseling together? Do you have a college degree? Does she?
if she is having an affair, then divorce her now. make the case for abandonment if you can, and get on with your life. remain a part of the childs life though.
Sorry about that Ruth, I am going to fix it up a little later. I didn't know where to turn, I knew I read good advice on this site before.
Informal Agreement. I get my child on friday night, all the way through sunday when she picks her up at 4pm. Through those days its hard to get in contact with my wife, especially when it comes to night time.
Like right now called no answer 3 hours ago and said call me back. Still nothing.
We both have never done counseling, that sounds like a good step. She has a degree and a job that pays double what mine does, that's another part of the problem.
Minus the part about the child, this is eerily reminiscent of my own predicament 3-4 years ago.
Obviously we have only sketchy information. We don't know the original impetus for the OP's wife's moving out, and likely even the OP himself would have difficulty arriving at the definitive reason.
Hazarding a piece of advice that's sure to be widely panned, I offer this: the OP should call his wife's mother, and inquire what's going on. Don't level blame, don't offer apologies. Simply state an interest in keeping this marriage alive, and ask what could be done to advance that cause.
Is English your second language or are you just careless and don't care how you write? I didn't read your whole post because it is hard to read, there are too many places you make no sense. Do you know what you want? I don't think you do, one time you say you want a divorce and the next sentence you say you don't. I take it right now you are separated, that usually means that you are not living together. I suspect she doesn't want you to know where she lives, and with good reason. If you knew where she lived you would be there banging on the door wanting to talk instead of leaving her alone. Your best bet is to cool it and stop harassing her, if she gets a restraining order you won't be able to see her unless she invites you over. Maybe you need to seek the help of a professional to straighten out how you think. In the mean time, take an English writing class.
Minus the part about the child, this is eerily reminiscent of my own predicament 3-4 years ago.
Obviously we have only sketchy information. We don't know the original impetus for the OP's wife's moving out, and likely even the OP himself would have difficulty arriving at the definitive reason.
Hazarding a piece of advice that's sure to be widely panned, I offer this: the OP should call his wife's mother, and inquire what's going on. Don't level blame, don't offer apologies. Simply state an interest in keeping this marriage alive, and ask what could be done to advance that cause.
I was thinking something along these lines, too. OP the next time you can't reach your wife on a weekend, call her mom and ask (calmly) if she thinks there's a good chance the marriage could be saved, or is it too late? Phrase it that way. If you ask point blank if your wife is seeing someone else, the mom could get cagey. Just level with her, tell her you've gotten mixed signals from your wife, and you just want to know if she's serious about getting back together after you finish your degree, or not. You want to know whether to have hope, or not. If you put it that way, the mom may feel sorry for you and may at least be honest and straightforward, instead of telling you to ask your wife.
I would be willing to wager a large amount of money, OP, that your wife is seeing another guy, perhaps even living with him. That's why she's cagey about her whereabouts and hard to reach, especially in the evenings. My husband's ex pulled a very similar stunt, although there were no children from the marriage. After they separated she shacked up with some guy and got pregnant by him. And all the while, DH was paying her alimony!
OP, you need to move on. Get an attorney, divorce this woman who obviously doesn't love you, get your act together and finish college. I second the recommendation for a writing class, too.
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at the theater. We were together from 5:30pm to 8:00pm then she said she had to pick up my daughter from her moms so she couldn't come in. We just kiss not even make out. That's all we do just kiss here and their. No sex really twice in 8 months, thats because I took her and my daughter to stay at disneyland and another time when we went to seaworld 1 night hotel stays. I think she lied on getting my daughter because I asked to say HI to my daughter. My wife proceeded to say Hi Jane Hi Jane, I guess Jane doesn't want to talk. Everytime I talk to her she says Jane Tell Daddy Hi, not just Say Hit Jane. I said let me say hi, I say hi talk to her for like 1 mi and Nothing. She said she's grumpy from waking up at my moms when I picked her up. I was suspicious so I kept her on the phone. My wife reluctantly stayed but, throughout the 45 mins phone call, I got put on hold 4 times, I kept hearing noises in the background, she wasn't really talking, my wife kept trying to get off and go to the shower, the whole conversation. Didn't hear my daughter once and she wasn't brought up once, caught her in a lie saying she was going shopping at 3 o clock in the am, I'm like how with our daughter, my wife said I'm dropping her off at my moms, at 3 o clock you just picked her up. That's when I knew she didn't pick her up. Got off the phone because of shower, then she never called back like she was suppose to I called back several times no answer. My wife called at 4:40am saying she at the store shopping. Saying she fell asleep.
