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I don't date anyone I wouldn't potentially marry. I just don't see the point otherwise. Dating for fun feels like a waste of my time and energy, when I could be spending that time and energy on family/friends/people I already know and like. I'm not out to collect a bunch of male friends nor do I really want any. It just doesn't add anything of value to my life, personally
Yes. But I think it may be different for you. Don't you already have kids? Haven't you already been married? I can understand why someone like you may want to take it easy this go around. It's like someone who's traveled the world numerous times wanting to live peacefully at home with minimal travel as opposed to the person who's not been abroad much and wants to spend time traveling instead of sitting at home.
For those of us who have not experienced these things and want to, of course we approach dating with serious relationship goals in mind. It doesn't mean we can't have fun while we're doing it.
Yes, I've been married and I have a child. And I mentioned in my original post that I get that things are different for people just starting out, but I am mainly talking about people in the same boat as me. When I date, I am dating men older than me (usually by 3-10 years who have also already been married, have kids).
It could be just "bad luck" on my part that I am not finding a like-minded man, but I just want (at most) a boyfriend who is a companion and lover... nothing else on the agenda. I am not saying "never" to marriage, but like I said, it's not a goal of mine and when I look at my "five year plan" of my life and where it's going, I don't foresee me being married.
Honestly, most people don't date to "just have fun." I tried that with women in the past and got a VERY rude awakening that it's not kind to do that to women. If you want a good relationship, you need to approach dating with that kind of mindset. Yes, dating should be fun, but I'm not taking time out of my day to make a bunch of new female friends. That's also not the idea that I'm trying to put out either. Other women would see me as a player and that's not what I'm wanting to display.
OP, you are one of few women I've talked to that truly want to just date for fun. Once those feelings come, it's not fun to be "just friends" with that person. Jillabean, you figured that out with your scuba diving friend as well. You have reverted back to friends now, but look at the emotional turmoil you suffered when you started to develop feelings for said friend.
Going back to scuba friend, we were just dating and having fun and it was good... again, no plans, no goals for the future. Just living in the here and now and I liked it. Just because I don't have long-range goals doesn't mean I don't care for or love the person though. So yes, when he ended things (ironically because he said he "couldn't commit" which was weird since I never asked him to), it stunk. I am fine being friends with him again though. We are back to hanging out and diving and such, like the old days--and it's still fun. Only different, no more kissing, loving, etc.
I think they do. Most everyone I've met, my friends, people I dated, people I work with, date for fun. That's what dating IS. Going out and having fun with someone you're attracted to. That's all it is.
Things get messy and often go poorly when you try to make it anything else. Just go have fun! If it isn't fun, there is no good reason to date. Sex, companionship etc etc can all be had without dating; heck, its often easier without dating.
I don't disagree. I've never been a big add a bunch of female friends guy. I eat lunch with a female coworker and I'm helping her with a dating situation she's currently in with a guy. I appreciate that she takes my advice and listens. It's a friendship I like, but I wouldn't want a circle full of those types of friendships. That's my idea of what opposite friendships should be, or at least have been in my life. They are good for me to get perspective, but we're not really doing anything in any intimate type setting. Most female friends I have are in relationships with someone or are dating someone. That's the point I'm getting at. The ones I tend to have things in common with are taken, while the ones that aren't taken, I don't have much in common with.
Going back to scuba friend, we were just dating and having fun and it was good... again, no plans, no goals for the future. Just living in the here and now and I liked it. Just because I don't have long-range goals doesn't mean I don't care for or love the person though. So yes, when he ended things (ironically because he said he "couldn't commit" which was weird since I never asked him to), it stunk. I am fine being friends with him again though. We are back to hanging out and diving and such, like the old days--and it's still fun. Only different, no more kissing, loving, etc.
You didn't ask him directly to commit as in "commit to me", but in a round about way you did ask him to commit. Wondering what you two were is seeking validation for your time and energy you were investing in him. You wanted more from him than what you were getting, which is why you asked what you were doing. It's why you started back pedaling with him in the end. You didn't like the answer you received, so you started blocking and tackling. It's actually what most people do when they don't get the answer they want. I've done it myself.
You didn't ask him directly to commit as in "commit to me", but in a round about way you did ask him to commit. Wondering what you two were is seeking validation for your time and energy you were investing in him. You wanted more from him than what you were getting, which is why you asked what you were doing. It's why you started back pedaling with him in the end. You didn't like the answer you received, so you started blocking and tackling. It's actually what most people do when they don't get the answer they want. I've done it myself.
I wanted more from him in that I wanted to know for certain (because it was long distance) if I should keep coming out to see him. It cost a lot of money to fly out there to see him and time off work. I would ask him, "hey, I am planning to come out there on __, is that a good time for you?" I wouldn't get an answer--and that's what frustrated me. I never asked him for any kind of commitment other than committing to dates where I could come out there and stay with him.
So yes, in that respect I asked for a commitment of time. I don't think that's so weird. And yes, it hurt when it ended because I had pretty strong feelings for him and wanted to keep dating him. But that's not what this post is about anyway... I am talking about people who want seriously committed relationships (AKA marriage) as a goal to dating (or any goal). I just wanted to date him, have fun, enjoy his company and love... maybe at most he might end up being a boyfriend, that's it (it was a maybe, not a "plan" or "goal". I never wanted to marry my scuba friend. Besides, that's all in the past and I don't really care anymore--it's not important going forward.
I suppose my response will be invalid since I am in my 20s....
But I will only date if I really like the person and want to be in a relationship with them. I don't really see dating as something to play around and have fun with. It can send mixed signals and people can get their feelings hurt if they don't make their intentions clear.
But for the OP, I can understand why she would want to just have a companion or someone she can just chill with and have fun with. She has already been married and probably just doesn't want to deal with the stress of it anymore. Not everyone is built for marriage.
For me it is difficult it is hard to find candidates to date. I'm even attracted to any of the guys who approach me, it's rare for me to even like someone these days, so dating is not high on my priority list. I am not going to let it get to me if I don't ever run into someone I can connect with and share an intimate bond with.
Last edited by Auraliea; 02-02-2015 at 09:41 AM..
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