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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,753,896 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
That really depends on the quality of the relationship and how much time you spend together. If it's what I call a W&W relationship (you spend weekends and Wednesdays together), you live relatively close to each other, you take vacations together, you know that you are each other's top priority and have each other's backs, and you weave each other into your lives through little things like joining clubs together, sharing a Netflix account, etc., then it could work.
But if it evolves into what my last long one did, where you only see each other once or twice a week and more often than not, one of you goes home at the end of the date (instead of sleeping over), it's going to be boring as all hell for most women, and after a few years, she's going to distance herself from you emotionally because she's not going to see much worth sacrificing her freedom for--especially if you expect her to be there for all the responsibilities of a more solid relationship, like dealing with your family's quirks, befriending your buddies' wives and girlfriends, attending weddings and funerals with you, standing by you when the chips are down, or taking care of you when you are ill or recovering from an accident or injury. She'll come to resent being held to the standards and expectations of being your "other half" when she's really only your other one-seventh unless there's some kind of event where you need her.
You don't have to live together, but if you want love to survive, you'll have to entwine. A significant other has to have significance every day.
Personally, the W&W you described sounds super workable for me. I'm not completely opposed to living together but please believe I'd require a super long probationary period before that even becomes an option.
This, and many people in general can't seem to let their guard down and/or aren't willing to take a risk. Life is about risk, so are dating and relationships. I swear some people believe that unless they can guarantee that everything will work out, they'd rather not chance it at all.
The chance that I'm looking for is for someone who can acknowledge that we do get along, even though we may not be the ideal person either of us are looking for. Yeah, I totally understand that our feelings may not be out of this world for each other initially, but we do enjoy talking to each other and learning about each other. Plus I pay attention to how relationships worked for women that waited for that guy that they couldn't stop thinking about. Did those relationships work? Did the relationship last longer than six months?
If it didn't make it to a relationship and you just dated, were you bending over backwards for him and he just fit you in where he could? In the end, do you find yourself attracted to guys who are bad for you, and the guys who are good for you, you aren't attracted too?
This is the same problem that guys have too. I'm not talking about the person that has too many kids or is unemployed. I'm talking about the person who is a good fit for you, and vice versa, and you have communicated that with each other. One person is just not going for the other, because they aren't making their heart skip a beat. Know what I mean?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,981,862 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by weezerfan84
The chance that I'm looking for is for someone who can acknowledge that we do get along, even though we may not be the ideal person either of us are looking for. Yeah, I totally understand that our feelings may not be out of this world for each other initially, but we do enjoy talking to each other and learning about each other. Plus I pay attention to how relationships worked for women that waited for that guy that they couldn't stop thinking about. Did those relationships work? Did the relationship last longer than six months?
If it didn't make it to a relationship and you just dated, were you bending over backwards for him and he just fit you in where he could? In the end, do you find yourself attracted to guys who are bad for you, and the guys who are good for you, you aren't attracted too?
This is the same problem that guys have too. I'm not talking about the person that has too many kids or is unemployed. I'm talking about the person who is a good fit for you, and vice versa, and you have communicated that with each other. One person is just not going for the other, because they aren't making their heart skip a beat. Know what I mean?
Sheesh. I don't know. I dated, then lived with, then got engaged to someone that seems to fit this. We got along great. Communicated great. Travelled well. Lived together great. Shared interests, but they weren't exactly the same, we pushed each other out of our particular shells, gently through instilling confidence and providing support. It was great. There was love.
But there was no passion. No intensity.
I'm glad I broke it off. It would have been a nice, content, stable, living hell.
Sheesh. I don't know. I dated, then lived with, then got engaged to someone that seems to fit this. We got along great. Communicated great. Travelled well. Lived together great. Shared interests, but they weren't exactly the same, we pushed each other out of our particular shells, gently through instilling confidence and providing support. It was great. There was love.
But there was no passion. No intensity.
I'm glad I broke it off. It would have been a nice, content, stable, living hell.
Let's hit the bigger issue then? Define the middle ground? Clearly content and stability didn't work, but endless passion didn't work either. What works?
Personally, the W&W you described sounds super workable for me. I'm not completely opposed to living together but please believe I'd require a super long probationary period before that even becomes an option.
Yeah, it's pretty standard. Pretty much every relationship of mine was that way except for the last one and, of course, my marriage.
And you're smart to want a long probation. I don't understand people who move in together after only a knowing each other a few months. Some of the threads on this forum only reinforce my assessment of it as a rash act of poor judgment or desperation.
There are plenty of women out there who does not want a child, so it shouldn't be that hard to find someone in that same level.
As for getting married, my brother dated his wife for 10 years and never wanting to get married. We went on a trip where she didn't get to come along and when we got back, he wanted to marry her right away. They were already 30 when he finally changed his mind (after 10 years of dating!). My SO always said he didn't want to get married. When things started getting serious between us, he was bound to leave for boot camp. I told him if he didn't want to get married, we need to end it because I want to get married. It's not fair for the both of us to stay. I don't know what boot camp did to him, but he was the one who was all of a sudden writing about getting married. He was 28 when he joined and changed his mind about marriage.
People change their mind. Maybe you just have to find the right one. And let's say you are 101% sure you do not want to get married, that's cool too. It may be harder to find someone on the same page, but as long as you're open about it from the beginning, it shouldn't cause any further drama. Ya, your pool might be smaller, but it's not impossible to find those women who has the same view on marriage and kids as you do.
Okay, y'all know who I am and my views on marriage and children. I was talking with a female friend about my lack of a dating life and my not being interested in marriage or children and she asked me straight up, why would you bother with a relationship anyway since you don't want it to go anywhere significant? That got me thinking, why would any woman date me since I likely won't marry her or have a family with her? I know for companionship but that can only go so far right?
I really don't think the second part is the cause of the first. Let's take a really extreme example like George Clooney. For years he dated without any indication of wanting to get married or have kids. Of course you don't have to be George Clooney to have dating success. All you need is to be relatively successful in your career, be attractive or charismatic and live in a big city like New York. There are so many women who would be willing to be in a relationship with you without any promise of marriage. Of course some of them may secretly hope it may happen if they stick with you long enough but by then you can move onto your next relationship.
The OP has yet to fall in love. I think there's a good chance that all bets will be off when that happens. So his question is fairly moot; it's more in the realm of theory than reality.
But 20 years from now, I guess we'll see, if we're still around, posting.
The OP has yet to fall in love. I think there's a good chance that all bets will be off when that happens. So his question is fairly moot; it's more in the realm of theory than reality.
But 20 years from now, I guess we'll see, if we're still around, posting.
There's nothing wrong with theory. And there's certainly something to be said for identifying yourself and figuring out what you want.
I'm 35. And for years...my entire "adult life" thus far, in fact...I get the same questions anyone else does: when are you going to settle down, don't you want kids, etc. For a combination of reasons (some political, some from inexperience, some from not truly getting in touch with myself, and so on), I always responded with a, "I don't think I want any of those things, but (possibly someday, never say never, etc.)"
I've even stayed in relationships WAY longer than I should have because of that failure to truly understand myself. I'd be with perfectly great women: attractive, caring, intelligent...and I'd get caught up in the mindset of staying with them because that's what someone is "supposed" to do. But it's just not me. And realizing that was one of the most freeing things I've experienced. Enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. I only wish I could have come to terms with the concept sooner.
Could OP pull a 180 for the right woman? Absolutely. But it's equally important for one to understand their existence in practicality. Even if I wanted a monogamous relationship, the kind of woman that could turn me into a one-woman man doesn't realistically exist. (and hypothetically, even if she did, there's a matter of compatibility!)
To the OP: It depends a lot on what your long term wants are. There are women out there that are perfectly happy with the dating arrangements you've laid out...for a while. If you're ok with only dating women for a few months to a year or so, then you should be able to find one. They're in short supply compared to the women that want to get married, but there are plenty of women out there that are looking for short-mid term relationships.
Now, if you're looking for a woman who's ok with a couple days a week, monogamously, in separate homes, for life (or a very long time).....well, that's a very rare woman. I wouldn't hold your breath on that one.
Okay, y'all know who I am and my views on marriage and children. I was talking with a female friend about my lack of a dating life and my not being interested in marriage or children and she asked me straight up, why would you bother with a relationship anyway since you don't want it to go anywhere significant? That got me thinking, why would any woman date me since I likely won't marry her or have a family with her? I know for companionship but that can only go so far right?
For real; why do y'all keep asking the same question when y'all already know the answer or should have known the answer a long time ago since y'all know who y'all are and y'all know y'alls views on marriage and children.
Seek a woman who wants nothing but a sex partner from time to time and leave the rest of the woman of the world alone if they are the ones who want marriage and children.
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