Why I'm Giving Up Dating (children, casual, therapist, social)
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I guess it's our two different experiences that reflect our opinions on this subject. I've mostly only experienced flakes and less-than-desirables (obese, not very attractive, awkward, couldn't compensate on any other spectrum) on OLD sites (OKC primarily; tried Tinder for a very short period). But essentially, I think the flakiness of the people was the largest contributing factor to why I decided to opt out. I can't count how many times I'd have an exchange with people that seemed to be going somewhere and then they'd drop off or find excuses not to hang out. And I know it wasn't due to anything I did.
IRL, people generally like me. I have a likable, chill personality and, believe it or not, I have some charisma. I have a pretty good group of friends who think I'm a pretty good guy. With so many flakes on OLD sites, it's difficult to make a first impression in person. Honestly, it made me feel like a creep that these women were trying to avoid. That's why I personally quit. Again, maybe this is what frustrated OP.
I've run into flaky guys online but not all of them were. I just find the process very unfulfilling. What usually happens is we'll make small talk online for a few days, maybe text a bit about nothing, never talk on the phone, and then meet up at a place where I've been to hundreds of times and engage in more small talk. Then, we'll usually never see each other again after that or sometimes we meet up one or two more times and that's it.
This definitely sheds some light on the matter. This leads me to believe that your dating issues are less about them than it is about something deep within you. Is this something you want to change about yourself? Because that's where it would have to begin.
I am very much a loner and always have been, but so are some of my friends and it didn't stop them from finding at least one person out there that they could be happily involved with.
I've run into flaky guys online but not all of them were. I just find the process very unfulfilling. What usually happens is we'll make small talk online for a few days, maybe text a bit about nothing, never talk on the phone, and then meet up at a place where I've been to hundreds of times and engage in more small talk. Then, we'll usually never see each other again after that or sometimes we meet up one or two more times and that's it.
What you just described is basically what dating is. I mean, you have to give it a chance to grow organically. Are you guys not meeting up after the first date because both of you stop pursuing? And if so, is it because there's no chemistry? That's to be expected in the majority of cases. Not knowing the total amount of dates you've gone on over the last several years, it's difficult to make any conclusions. But you'd think there be some sparks at some point.
I am very much a loner and always have been, but so are some of my friends and it didn't stop them from finding at least one person out there that they could be happily involved with.
Have you attempted to meet people through them? Since they seem to reflect your personality type, I'd imagine that they know other, single loners.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,054,579 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
I guess it's our two different experiences that reflect our opinions on this subject. I've mostly only experienced flakes and less-than-desirables (obese, not very attractive, awkward, couldn't compensate on any other spectrum) on OLD sites (OKC primarily; tried Tinder for a very short period). But essentially, I think the flakiness of the people was the largest contributing factor to why I decided to opt out. I can't count how many times I'd have an exchange with people that seemed to be going somewhere and then they'd drop off or find excuses not to hang out. And I know it wasn't due to anything I did.
Ah, see though, if you haven't made the connection yet (and I don't mean emails) then it isn't real in my book.
I thought we were talking about once the connection is made. That's where they're the same to me.
(Though you're right, our experiences do differ a great deal, I suspect it is our age differences and we're dealing with different populations)
(Though you're right, our experiences do differ a great deal, I suspect it is our age differences and we're dealing with different populations)
That's what I was thinking as well. I feel like there is probably less BS to deal with as you get older, because people are more serious about what they want and they know more about what they want. Women (and probably men, but I don't date them) in their 20s and even early 30s can be very flaky.
What you just described is basically what dating is. I mean, you have to give it a chance to grow organically. Are you guys not meeting up after the first date because both of you stop pursuing? And if so, is it because there's no chemistry? That's to be expected in the majority of cases. Not knowing the total amount of dates you've gone on over the last several years, it's difficult to make any conclusions. But you'd think there be some sparks at some point.
I keep a list so I can give you stats. Since the beginning of 2013, I've met 23 guys from OLD but only went out with 8 of them more than once. However, I've been doing OLD since 2004 and have met many others and I'd say the outcome was similar. They usually seem nice, but either I don't feel much of an attraction or they don't. It's rarely mutual.
I keep a list so I can give you stats. Since the beginning of 2013, I've met 23 guys from OLD but only went out with 8 of them more than once. However, I've been doing OLD since 2004 and have met many others and I'd say the outcome was similar. They usually seem nice, but either I don't feel much of an attraction or they don't. It's rarely mutual.
I think that's to be expected, for the most part. However, I still think there's something at play here that's much deeper than simply a lack of attraction. As you mentioned previously, you don't develop deep emotional connections with your non-romantic relationships either. If you want to change your dating results, I think you need to start there. And I think only a licensed therapist can begin to help you with that.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,054,579 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
I think that's to be expected, for the most part. However, I still think there's something at play here that's much deeper than simply a lack of attraction. As you mentioned previously, you don't develop deep emotional connections with your non-romantic relationships either. If you want to change your dating results, I think you need to start there. And I think only a licensed therapist can begin to help you with that.
Yup, and you have to WANT to change for even that to have a chance.
I think that's to be expected, for the most part. However, I still think there's something at play here that's much deeper than simply a lack of attraction. As you mentioned previously, you don't develop deep emotional connections with your non-romantic relationships either. If you want to change your dating results, I think you need to start there. And I think only a licensed therapist can begin to help you with that.
I don't develop close relationships with people because I don't feel like I have a lot in common with most people. There are a few women that I enjoy talking with or having lunch with at work, but I don't hang out with them outside of that so I wouldn't say that we're close. I have had guy friends who I spent years talking to either on the phone or online, but I didn't hang out with them much in person and things would get uncomfortable for me because they would try to go beyond friendship, and I never wanted that with them so I don't talk to them anymore. My extended relatives are ok but they're nothing like me and we wouldn't associate with each other if we weren't related.
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