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I don't develop close relationships with people because I don't feel like I have a lot in common with most people. There are a few women that I enjoy talking with or having lunch with at work, but I don't hang out with them outside of that so I wouldn't say that we're close. I have had guy friends who I spent years talking to either on the phone or online, but I didn't hang out with them much in person and things would get uncomfortable for me because they would try to go beyond friendship, and I never wanted that with them so I don't talk to them anymore. My extended relatives are ok but they're nothing like me and we wouldn't associate with each other if we weren't related.
Only you know what your interests are. For beginners, you can find people who share some of your interests by getting involved in activities that involve your interests. If there is a particular band or genre of music you like, you can go to concerts. If you like arts and crafts, you can join groups that do arts and crafts. If you like reading, join a book club. Investing? An investment club. You get the point.
If you want change in your platonic and romantic life, these are options that you should seriously consider.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,191,467 times
Reputation: 40641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
I don't develop close relationships with people because I don't feel like I have a lot in common with most people. There are a few women that I enjoy talking with or having lunch with at work, but I don't hang out with them outside of that so I wouldn't say that we're close. I have had guy friends who I spent years talking to either on the phone or online, but I didn't hang out with them much in person and things would get uncomfortable for me because they would try to go beyond friendship, and I never wanted that with them so I don't talk to them anymore. My extended relatives are ok but they're nothing like me and we wouldn't associate with each other if we weren't related.
SLS, Close relationships aren't all about having things in common. That's on the surface. It is about feelings. Liking and caring about someone.
That is what seems to be missing from your posts. There is no sense of feeling/love/caring.
Only you know what your interests are. For beginners, you can find people who share some of your interests by getting involved in activities that involve your interests. If there is a particular band or genre of music you like, you can go to concerts. If you like arts and crafts, you can join groups that do arts and crafts. If you like reading, join a book club. Investing? An investment club. You get the point.
If you want change in your platonic and romantic life, these are options that you should seriously consider.
I love concerts, but concerts and most of the other activities I enjoy are things that I can do without mingling with other people. It would be nice to have close friends, but since I've gone my whole life without that, I'm not motivated to seek out new friendships or strengthen the ones that I have. Since I choose to no longer actively pursue relationships via OLD and the offline activities I enjoy don't lead to me meeting men, I don't expect to meet any.
It's possible that therapy could be helpful in some way, but I'm not really motivated to seek therapy. I don't feel asexual, but I haven't read much about it. I've always liked pornography and I enjoy being sexually touched to a certain degree, so I'm not sure that the asexuality club would accept me as a member.
Can you explain the bolded to me? Therapy could be helpful but you don't want to go? Why are people so adverse to therapy? Find a therapist that you like and give it a try. It's like you'd rather give up on your dreams than do something about it.
I've decided that it's time that I officially give up dating. I've never gotten anything out of it and I've never felt that it's improved my quality of life in any way. It's only something I pursued because I had hopes of being "normal" like everyone else, but it's just not for me. I am over 30 and I think I lack the ability to have real feelings for a man. I was only ever interested in whether I found them physically attractive, but I can't connect on a level any deeper than that, yet I don't want them for casual sex. I thought it would be nice to get married and have a family (and I'm sure it is for some people), but since I cannot make a genuine connection, it's just not going to happen. I have things in my life that I'm excited about and looking forward to, but they don't include dating and relationships. I can no longer go through the motions of trying to make small talk with guys on Tinder because I see that it's all pointless and never going to lead to anything good. Maybe one day I'll meet someone offline and things will be different, but I doubt it. So that's that. I wish you all the best in your romantic endeavors!
I love concerts, but concerts and most of the other activities I enjoy are things that I can do without mingling with other people. It would be nice to have close friends, but since I've gone my whole life without that, I'm not motivated to seek out new friendships or strengthen the ones that I have. Since I choose to no longer actively pursue relationships via OLD and the offline activities I enjoy don't lead to me meeting men, I don't expect to meet any.
Fair enough. It doesn't sound like you're interested in change, so I'll leave it at that. I sincerely hope that whatever it is you do, though, that you can find happiness and perhaps one day share that with others. Unlike Super Marios Bros., you only get one life to live in this world. You should do everything in your power to enjoy it.
SLS, Close relationships aren't all about having things in common. That's on the surface. It is about feelings. Liking and caring about someone.
That is what seems to be missing from your posts. There is no sense of feeling/love/caring.
That's probably true. I feel like most of the people I know already have people in their lives to care about them (siblings, friends, SOs, children) so I don't need to be that involved in their lives. If there was someone who I felt didn't have anyone, maybe I'd make more of an effort.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 37,191,467 times
Reputation: 40641
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
That's probably true. I feel like most of the people I know already have people in their lives to care about them (siblings, friends, SOs, children) so I don't need to be that involved in their lives. If there was someone who I felt didn't have anyone, maybe I'd make more of an effort.
This doesn't make any sense. Friendships and people you care about aren't a zero sum game. Just because someone has a rich social life with people they care about doesn't mean they don't want or can't have more people they care about. We have a (at least near) infinite ability to love.
Do you have a need to be the only person of value to someone?
Can you explain the bolded to me? Therapy could be helpful but you don't want to go? Why are people so adverse to therapy? Find a therapist that you like and give it a try. It's like you'd rather give up on your dreams than do something about it.
I'm not adverse to it. I'm just not motivated to go because while it may be helpful, I don't know for sure that it would be and it'll cost time and money to find out.
This doesn't make any sense. Friendships and people you care about aren't a zero sum game. Just because someone has a rich social life with people they care about doesn't mean they don't want or can't have more people they care about. We have a (at least near) infinite ability to love.
Do you have a need to be the only person of value to someone?
I just don't feel like a person needs me to be involved in their lives when they have other people. I understand they might feel differently but that's the way I've always looked at things.
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