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Been with this guy faithfully for half my life, I just can't do it anymore. I have nothing left to give. I'm tired of being responsible to maintain his mental, emotional, physical state...tired of having no space to do things I need to do for myself. Recently it's affecting my work and my health. I tried to talk to him and had a huge blowup last week. He had a loaded gun out, he tried to throw me out, tried to leave, came back angry, promised to punish me, threatened suicide, and eventually cried and begged and said everything would change and he would change and "what we have is worth fighting for." Used the kids, dragged them into it, to try and emotionally manipulate me. Now he thinks he's "possessed by demons."
I don't want to fight. I'm too tired. We see a counselor on Saturday, he thinks we are going to somehow fix us and move forward in our marriage...I just want out of it. I'm so, so done with this.
Oddly for all of this crazy, he's not a bad father when he's ok, which is most of the time. The dream of owning the house, having a family home, raising kids, growing old in that house and all that...his dream, not mine. I've been counting the days until the kids were adults since almost the beginning. Why did I stay so long? It always just seemed like the "right thing to do." Manage everything, make everything ok. Maybe it was the right thing...for everyone but me. I always hoped that when things got better, he'd be happier somehow, but they did and he wasn't.
So I'm realizing that I have a few options here...
1. I can relent and make "everything ok" again and try to cope, for however long I can, be that a couple of years until I finish college and my oldest is out of the house, or the five years until my youngest turns 18. This will require me to lie to him, and act like I'm ok and happy and loving, which is just a continuation of what I've been doing for a long time. I don't know if I can make it to any sort of milestone the way I feel now though.
2. I can leave and get an apartment, we can try to be civil and sane, and I can visit often enough to be involved in my sons' lives. I am leaning towards this. I prefer it for several reasons, not the least of which is he wants that domestic dream more than I do...unfortunately he views me as the center of it, even though I work so much I'm barely there (he doesn't work.)
3. I can get a lawyer, and go through a more hostile sort of court process, and knowing this state they will give me everything. I really would rather not. But if he pushes me around, intimidates me, threatens me, or tries to manipulate me again, it may come to that. I told him...you do not want me as an enemy. It is a war you won't win. And I don't want it on my conscience.
I wish he was not SO determined to be in denial about all of this. He knows I don't enjoy being around him anymore, that I don't want to have him close, I don't want this...but it's all about what he wants and needs, he is blind to any thought or feeling that isn't his own, unless some kind of a direct parallel can be drawn to some experience he has specifically had. I told him that one thing that is draining and hurting me so much is that he is so blind to my feelings, it's like I don't matter. He said, "Empathy is not in my skill set." Also I am a lot younger than he is (11 years) and I am beginning to feel like a trophy wife, the young hot wife, he wanted to take me to his class reunion and parade me around. I am disgusted by that. He only sees what he wants to...it's like he doesn't even KNOW me at all...
Anyhow. Any advice for what could become a nasty divorce with kids? Tips or tricks to keep things civil? Thoughts? Am I soulless and unloving and bad for wanting out of this? He keeps trying to tell me I am.
Why does he not work? Why did you stay for this long? I honestly don't know what you were getting out of this relationship to stay this long if you are the only one working? Who bought the house?
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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I'm sorry, after taking a gun out on the mother of his children, I think #3 is going to be the only option. One of my mom's ex-husbands pulled out a gun and threatened suicide also. You don't want to leave your kids in care of someone like that.
layasera, he has been out of work since he got out of the Army in late 2013. He is on disability, though he is not usually SO disabled that he couldn't do SOMETHING. And really, I don't have a problem with him not having a job on its face. I just have a problem with how it seems to affect his mental state. He feels worthless...I have told him, in the few month periods here and there over the years, when I didn't have a job, I worked HARDER being the at home parent...there's nothing dishonorable about that, if you give it your best efforts and take it seriously. But he winds up sitting around smoking (legal) pot and playing video games, napping, surfing porn...whatever. He does do some house chores, but the place is never as clean as it was when I was doing it. He doesn't find any fulfillment in doing it well, and it gets him down. He is looking for work in the MJ industry now, has his license for that, he just doesn't want to have to stop smoking, as he uses it like head-meds. He gets super crazy when he doesn't have it.
But no, he has not been unemployed all this time. Just the last year and a half or so. It's just that even when things were at their best, he spends more time thinking about the kind of death he wants than the kind of life he wants, he's always got some reason to be miserable, and I just can't view life as nothing but a slog towards the end. I enjoy LIVING too much.
EDIT: The house was bought with his VA loan benefits but I am also on the mortgage.
Dissenter...the gun thing...whenever he feels threatened, weak, upset, etc he gets out the guns, sometimes loads them, carries them around, whatever. It's a security blanket. It makes him feel stronger and more safe, even if he's totally not. I've told him this is a problem, but I think he needs to hear it from the counselor. And the suicide thing, he has tried it in the past and could not take that last step...I think now he just threatens it as a form of emotional manipulation. The day he was on about that, was the day I went back to work after missing a day to deal with him, and he wanted me (subconsciously perhaps) to run home and show that I cared about him. I didn't do it. So he went to a mutual friend's house and ranted and raved at them for a while.
Not that it makes a difference on your marriage - but does he have PTSD?
Not in the sense of soldiers being traumatized by war. He's all about war, being deployed didn't faze him much except for missing home and family and all.
But women...women have put him through hard stuff. And he's definitely carrying some nasty things in his head over that. He was adopted, and thinks his birth mother "threw him away like trash." Women have cheated on him in the past. He caught one of them in the act. He cheated on them, too, but somehow he plays it off like he's the one with honor and integrity and women lack that utterly.
Really, if there is one thing that makes me not want to leave my boys around him, it's his attitudes towards women. I don't think he'd physically hurt the boys, I rather doubt that he'd shoot anyone despite all of the high drama he puts on...but I don't like them hearing some of the things he says. I also don't like them seeing the dynamic between us, it troubles me more recently than it used to. Because it's like he's one of my kids, I take care of him so much, and I want my boys to have some independence and not try to latch onto a caregiver and use her until she has nothing left to give. I don't feel that this is healthy.
Although I cannot relate as I have not walked in your shoes:
Regardless of who may get hurt, at the end of the day the most important person is you. That may be a cruel way to look at life, but not everyone crosses a line for which a decision based purely on ones own needs has to be made.
It sounds like you have tried and tried again - mentally, emotionally, physically - to force to make things work. Only guessing here, but part is due to wanting the kids to grow up in a stable environment; part is you just being a caring person. But one cannot hold onto a thread for their entire life while their own inner self disappears. It sounds like you feel you are just about there.
The balance of your heart says move out and try to make things civil without dragging this through the court and making it ugly. Take that step. If he cannot meet you in the middle, then you continue to make steps to get your life back, regardless of the hurt through all of this.
Only other advice i can think of is to be honest with your kids. Tell them your perspective. Don't pit yourself against him with your kids, but just let them know it's something you as a person need to do, but you will always be there for them.
I hope you hold strong throughout your future. I can only hope the best for all involved, that in the end you are happier.
I'm sorry, after taking a gun out on the mother of his children, I think #3 is going to be the only option. One of my mom's ex-husbands pulled out a gun and threatened suicide also. You don't want to leave your kids in care of someone like that.
Yes, OP, I question why you think the kids should be left with someone who's clearly unstable. Just because he'd have the house and he's available all day for child care doesn't mean it's a good idea. I get that you doing childcare and working while finishing school would be a huge challenge. But what if you left the kids in his care, and something horrible happened? Those kids could be scarred for life. Get creative, and think of another plan. The kids seem old enough to take care of themselves, or at least, the oldest one could watch the younger one while you're at work/school, and maybe there are after-school programs. I doubt whether your husband could even be trusted to look after them part time. He might go off the deep end if (when) you move out. The boys could share a room in an apartment. Or you could have the bedroom, and they could share the living room. Or you might luck into a place with 1 br. + small office, and you could have the office as a room. Think creatively.
He could be doing some volunteer work with his time, if not actual paid work. Maybe with the Vet Admin, or just answering phones for a non-profit, or something. He needs more constructive uses for his time, if only part-time. He seems to have no purpose in life. He probably feels that you provide an anchor. What will happen when he loses that? He needs to come up with his own anchor.
RE: his denial. That can be addressed in the counseling sessions. He needs help on his own. There's a state program that helps people with disability get work-ready. Maybe he should check that out. They even pay for counseling, if justifiable for the work-readiness.
Good luck, Spork. Forge ahead bravely. Love ya! ((((hugs))))
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