Trust issues - Husband texted another girl behind my back (boyfriend, marry)
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I am a guy. Never been married but I believe chatting with a strange woman and having lunch with her would be totally inappropriate behavior. At a minimum the husband (or wife) should inform the wife (or husband) of the lunch so everything is out in the open.
I'm sure she initiated the whole thing. Contact, lunch etc.
Mole hill to mountain in 6 seconds.
You're not sure about anything. The only people that know are OP's hubby and the other woman. He could just as easily initiated the intro/ all conversation/lunch/. She could of been bored in life or relationship and found him interesting/attractive. Not to mention some women like married guys.
Imo texting and multiple secret conversations over a period of time with a woman he met at a party is not benign. He only came "clean" AFTER she confronted him. Most adultery situations start with its not a big deal conversations and a lunch here and there.
Imo texting and multiple secret conversations over a period of time with a woman he met at a party is not benign. He only came "clean" AFTER she confronted him. Most adultery situations start with its not a big deal conversations and a lunch here and there.
Yep, it IS disturbing. He had multiple opportunities to make this interaction legit, but chose not to.
OP, honestly, you have to let it go. I mean, what else are you going to do?
You have expressed your concern, and he appears to have honored that. Would you not want a chance to "act right" after he confronted you about a poor decision?
So let it go and let him show that he is trustworthy. Trusting him is your best bet right now, because if you treat him as if you DON'T trust him, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yep, it IS disturbing. He had multiple opportunities to make this interaction legit, but chose not to.
OP, honestly, you have to let it go. I mean, what else are you going to do?
You have expressed your concern, and he appears to have honored that. Would you not want a chance to "act right" after he confronted you about a poor decision?
So let it go and let him show that he is trustworthy. Trusting him is your best bet right now, because if you treat him as if you DON'T trust him, it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What this fine lady said^
I believe, its the best way to handle this situation.
IF your marriage is sound and your sex life is good, I would say there is at least a 90% chance you have nothing to worry about. It sounds to me like your husband loves you very much and is concerned about your feelings, and the second part of that is usually a VERY good sign!
Many years ago, I was the "other woman"(so-called) without having any kind of illicit sex at all. I was friendly with a VERY "straight arrow" type co-worker who was married, as was I. We would occasionally (maybe twice a month or so) have a very casual lunch together (pick up some fast food and take it to a local park), and there was absolutely nothing "sexual" about it -- we were just friends. My husband knew about it and didn't mind -- and in fact, we would invite him and his wife to our parties. Of course, unlike in your case, we were both married to other people, but the point is that either you trust your spouse, or you don't, and he or she is worthy of that trust, or s/he isn't. Nagging and/or worrying won't change that.
Actually, I would suggest that to you. When she is in town the next time, why not have a party or some kind of get-together -- or maybe invite her to dinner and invite an eligible guy as her "date". Based on what you observe then, you can either dismiss their "relationship" entirely or have something more firm to go on than just a few innocuous texts.
Last edited by katharsis; 10-29-2015 at 07:11 AM..
I think what the OP want is control. She feels threaten when something is out of her control. Control gives her a false sense of security.
OP cross the trust line when she called her husband's friend. Not only that, when she didn't hear what she wanted to hear from his husband's friend, she called her husband's friend lie for her husband.
The fact is, everyone, including your spouse and kids need his/her privacy. He has his own personalities and quite frankly, different than yours. Just because you act and behave in a certain way, it doesn't mean he should behave the same. He has his own preferences and who he wants to be friends with. You cannot force into it. Some people are friendlier with an opposite sex or certain type of personalities. If you cannot accept this, then it is best to end the relationship instead of make it ugly some time down the road.
It was six months ago. Are you going to divorce him based on this? Seriously, all the people saying "it sounds fishy"---what would you propose she does? Leave him based on a bad feeling??
The fact is that others' behavior is outside of our control. All YOU can do, OP, is be honest with your husband. Communicate your issues to him in a calm and balanced manner. Have an honest discussion about how the situation made you feel, and why it concerned you. Offer HIM the opportunity to have a fair and balanced discussion.
After that, you have to work on letting it go and re-establishing trust. But you have to talk to HIM about it, not US.
Focus on being honest, supportive, and loving, not jealous and insecure. If he cheats, then HE is the scumbag, not you.
Since my husband never goes out alone and we spend most of our free time together,
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I am just going to comment on this, why is this the case? you NEVER go out separately with friends or anything? Is this because you won't " let" him. I think this is a really un healthy way to have a relationship, but that is just my opinion. Also, the whole password thing, you state that is one of the reason's you trust him. This makes no sense, why isn't he allowed to have private conversations with people, his own thoughts that he may not want others seeing? I think he talked to this girl just to be friendly and it was innocent, and he was just enjoying talking to someone new. I would guess he didn't mention it to you because you seem to not want him to do anything without you. I wouldn't worry about what happened, but I would worry about why you need to be so in control of this. I have a guy friend I have known since elementary school, he was married and in a relationship similar to yours, they never went out separately, she insisted on having all his passwords etc. This guy is the nicest guy you could ever imagine, would never cheat. Well, after 12 years of marriage, he had it and left. He now tells me that he can't believe he lived like that for so long with zero time apart and zero freedom to pursue interests on his own. It sounds like you have a good guy there who respects you and wants this marriage, don't blow it by clinging to this incident. I have worked the same office with a guy for about 10 years, we have coffee together most days, it's not a big deal my husband knows about it. Every so often, he will sent me a text about something funny or a work even if people are meeting for drinks or something, and I don't feel the need to tell my husband about every text. I know people have different ideas about how relationships work, but it would never even occur to me to look at my husbands phone if a text came in, why would I, its not my business. Just live your life and don't worry so much. The person who said a self fulfilling prophecy is right, cling to much and control to much, your worst fears may come true
Last edited by canadiangirl_2015; 10-29-2015 at 09:00 AM..
I had a female work friend that I would have lunch with on occasion, we would BS via text after hours about nonsense and my wife knew all about it. I had nothing to hide after all, she was just a work friend. My wife even knew her, had her over to my house a few times to help me with my toddler twins when my wife was busy. She was half my age but we just clicked for some reason. It was all well and good until my wife noticed that we were getting a little too close, I bought her a Valentines gift (nothing romantic, a cookbook and a paperweight). The final straw was when she starting posting pics of us on FB of us having lunch together in my office, chumming around the building, getting coffee, etc. She strongly suggested that I curtail my behavior as it was inappropriate. Bottom line, I violated her trust. Every time my phone beeps she asks who it is, etc. but we're ok now. I think.
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