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Yes Chow, I've come to the conclusion that not taking a chance is 10,000x more painful than getting rejected. I mean this hurt but I'm some better now even if I don't think I'll ever forget. But being alone day after day is a different kind of pain and it's chronic and can make you sick. Ask me how I know.
One thing I've gotten out of this is that I actually do have a heart--had it hidden away for years and wasn't even sure if I could fall in love but events in the last two years have proven to me that I can. I don't mean that I fell in love with this man but I could tell I would have if things kept going the way they were--I was hurt way too much for it to be just a passing attraction. I just don't connect in that way with very many men at all and now I have with two in the past two years, which means there is hope.
The problem with online dating is that it often sets people up for the exact situation you ended up in... two people who don't want to be alone become invested way to soon. Then, one of them pulls back for whatever reason- scared, met someone else on the site, weren't really ready, scamming, etc.
You seem like a sweet person who just wants to connect with someone, be happy, and not feel like you are alone in life. I think you would do better to find real life things in which guys participate and you can get to know them over time before becoming invested romantically. I would suggest something like partner dance classes where you would meet a variety of different guys and get to know them better. I would almost guarantee if you took this route, you would find the guy you are looking for after a bit of time.
I really was starting to think that Chow but I can't help but think he put in a lot of effort with someone he was just trying to play. For one thing he called every night and talked sometimes for 2 hours--he genuinely seemed to like to talk to me. We laughed ourselves silly about every single thing whether it was funny or not. All the stuff you see real couples in really good relationships do. I'm still flummoxed but I'm moving on and I haven't heard from him so it really is truly over since it's been almost 2 weeks. I feel like an idiot though I don't think I should.
It's amazing that you haven't heard anything. I'm really sorry he wasn't able to recalibrate.
It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself in a good way. Hopefully this false start will lead you to a more secure relationship with someone who's perfect for you.
The problem with online dating is that it often sets people up for the exact situation you ended up in... two people who don't want to be alone become invested way to soon. Then, one of them pulls back for whatever reason- scared, met someone else on the site, weren't really ready, scamming, etc.
You seem like a sweet person who just wants to connect with someone, be happy, and not feel like you are alone in life. I think you would do better to find real life things in which guys participate and you can get to know them over time before becoming invested romantically. I would suggest something like partner dance classes where you would meet a variety of different guys and get to know them better. I would almost guarantee if you took this route, you would find the guy you are looking for after a bit of time.
Guy, anyone who knows me on here is aware that I go dancing at least 1x/week--this past weekend I went up to StL and went dancing on Fri, Sat, and Sun night--I've been doing this for 5 years. Somehow though, I'm just not meeting anyone this way and part of the problem is that I now know all of these men. OLD is not nearly all of my strategy but I need to do it b/c I live in a rural area full of conservative religious people and I'm a liberal lol. I came down here to take a job but hope to move back to StL this summer. Since I don't fit in all that well around here I've made it my strategy to look further afield b/c I am willing to move and have stated that on my profile.
Anyway, as I said before, I do not connect with that many men--or rather, there is rarely the combination of chemistry and connection that I look for. I know that you don't believe chemistry is that important but I do--it's a must and many of the men I've dated also believe that it's important. More men that I've met feel chemistry with me than the other way around though and if I don't feel chem on the first date but everything is otherwise good I'll give it a second chance but after that, I pretty well know. If I have no strong desire to kiss them, it's over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie
It's amazing that you haven't heard anything. I'm really sorry he wasn't able to recalibrate.
It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself in a good way. Hopefully this false start will lead you to a more secure relationship with someone who's perfect for you.
I finally did hear from him on Friday evening with an email, but it was confusing as usual. Just a lot of stuff about us going too fast and he needed to sit back for awhile and how he thinks well of me. . . Some of it did sound like he's open to talking again later, and some sounded like a good-bye, so I'm taking it with good-bye in mind b/c I'm assuming he just can't bring himself to say it's over, even though it is. Anyway, I'm not going to hold my breath or sit and wait and even if he does want to talk later, I'm not sure I'll want to--I now know how he treats people and that's not a good sign. I asked for closure and did not get it and this is even something we discussed on the very first date.
And yes, I hope that too. I have another date this coming weekend lol so we'll see what comes of that.
So sorry that you got hurt. I've seen a lot of men come on strong in the beginning. I don't believe that it's always intentionally deceitful or that they are trying to play you. He probably just got carried away like you did.
Because I personally always like the man to be the one to lead the relationship forward (YMMV) I see myself as having the role of slowing things down if they are going too fast. I would suggest that going forward, you also learn how to slow down a fast moving train, before it derails.
I would not allow a new man in my life to monopolize my time the way he did yours. You can slow down an ardent man by simply staying busy living your life, and not being so eager to put aside your normal routines to accommodate him. Don't spend so much time on the phone. Save long discussions for actual dates, that is what dates are for! Give a man a chance to anticipate seeing you again. Sometimes, affection grows between two people in the time/spaces they are apart, that's when you find yourself dreaming and longing for a person, right?
As you get to know each other better and decide that you want to pursue things more seriously, you can give him more of your time. Have fun and good luck!
So sorry that you got hurt. I've seen a lot of men come on strong in the beginning. I don't believe that it's always intentionally deceitful or that they are trying to play you. He probably just got carried away like you did.
Because I personally always like the man to be the one to lead the relationship forward (YMMV) I see myself as having the role of slowing things down if they are going too fast. I would suggest that going forward, you also learn how to slow down a fast moving train, before it derails.
I would not allow a new man in my life to monopolize my time the way he did yours. You can slow down an ardent man by simply staying busy living your life, and not being so eager to put aside your normal routines to accommodate him. Don't spend so much time on the phone. Save long discussions for actual dates, that is what dates are for! Give a man a chance to anticipate seeing you again. Sometimes, affection grows between two people in the time/spaces they are apart, that's when you find yourself dreaming and longing for a person, right?
As you get to know each other better and decide that you want to pursue things more seriously, you can give him more of your time. Have fun and good luck!
This is excellent advice and I'm going to take it. However a new thing has come up. I've been agonizing over a certain man for the last 2 years--we have dated a bit but he lives 4 hours away and has been unwilling to do the LDR. He was sad when I began dating the subject of this thread but he understood but now that it's over he has really picked up on his interest and has been calling more, though not nearly every night. Hard to say what will come of it--we've been FWB though that's not really what either of us wanted, but last night we even talked about the possibility of one of us moving. I guess 2 years is taking it slow, no?
And before anyone gives me trouble about sleeping with this one, I'm just going to head that one off by saying that there was a really good reason. We'd had one date--huge chemistry but he shied from the distance. I was about to let it go and stop talking and texting, but then found out I had breast cancer. I was about to have surgery--a double mastectomy, and then they were going to put me on meds that would kill my sex drive. I wanted one more go-round before it was lost forever and I invited him and he made it so special and treated me like a queen. I will never forget that--his kindness is what I find most attractive about him. (FTR: I never got the surgery or took the meds--went holistic all the way and have never regretted that. )
Stepka, I'm asking Santa to bring you a good man. It might be a little late for him to get one to you in time, but he starts his off-season day after tomorrow. I'll tell him to get right on it after he comes back from Jamaica.
In the meantime, I will continue to wish that the subject of this thread comes back to you, just so you can tell him to jump in a lake.
Stepka, I'm asking Santa to bring you a good man. It might be a little late for him to get one to you in time, but he starts his off-season day after tomorrow. I'll tell him to get right on it after he comes back from Jamaica.
In the meantime, I will continue to wish that the subject of this thread comes back to you, just so you can tell him to jump in a lake.
Jasper I'm out of reps but I really appreciate that and hope Santa delivers. Have a very Merry Christmas!
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