I've shared various chapters of this "novel" on this board in this past, so here's the abbreviated version as I'm looking to close the book on this for good:
- Befriended a girl at work (small non-profit), became deeply infatuated with her as I got to know and spend time with her.
- Months of infatuation culminated in an after-dinner date, which went really well until I misread her intentions and bungled things up towards the end.
- Was rejected by her shortly afterwards, partly because of my mistake and because she ultimately didn't feel for me romantically. We maintained a friendship, but I was devastated and guilt-stricken in private.
- There's a mutual friend/co-worker of ours who similarly felt for and pursued her during this time, albeit more outwardly. It developed into an unspoken, awkward love triangle, where all of the parties involved were aware of each other's feelings/intentions, but never spoke up about it.
- Some time after the date she gradually stopped contacting and hanging out with me like she used to, and started spending more time with him. Won't lie, I felt extremely hurt and jealous over being faded in favor of him. I also beat myself up over it as I felt there was something wrong or inferior about me that led to this fade. All of these emotions got the best of me and prompted me to act cold/indifferent towards her, which made things awkward and tense.
- We reconciled somewhat a couple of months later, though neither of us were totally honest with each other (about the love triangle and our feelings) as we didn't want to go there. I did it for the sake of peace at the workplace and the circle of friends/co-workers which we're both a part of.
- Last month at a b-day dinner for one of our former co-workers, I sat next to the both of them and caught them being touchy-feely under the table. Much as I'd feared all along, she moved on and is dating him in private.
It broke my heart.
- I went cold on her again, as it's gotten to the point where it hurts seeing them together in and out of the workplace. Things are once again awkward between me and her, but I've otherwise been cool with our mutual friend throughout all of this.
So yeah...I fell HARD and hurt even HARDER when things didn't work out and when she moved on to someone within the same circle.
I've also felt like a scumbag for losing my cool and acting like a moody dick, as they've both genuinely good people that have largely been warm, patient and friendly towards me despite their secret relationship. It's not the kind of person that I am; I've been acting out of hurt because I've felt wronged and don't know how to cope.
To my credit I've tried my damnedest to move on in the months after that date; went on dates, had a hookup or two. They reminded me that I'm date-able and have redeeming qualities, things which I'd lost sight of. But I don't think I can truly move on until I come to terms with this.
Too much time, energy and happiness spent over this...I promised myself going into 2016 that I'd let go of this hurt and anger towards them, forgive myself and make things right, somehow. But I'm stuck in a hole that I've dug myself into, and don't know how to get out.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.