How to find peace and closure with being on the losing end of a love triangle? (dating, woman)

[Raymond Stereo]

I've shared various chapters of this "novel" on this board in this past, so here's the abbreviated version as I'm looking to close the book on this for good:

- Befriended a girl at work (small non-profit), became deeply infatuated with her as I got to know and spend time with her.

- Months of infatuation culminated in an after-dinner date, which went really well until I misread her intentions and bungled things up towards the end.

- Was rejected by her shortly afterwards, partly because of my mistake and because she ultimately didn't feel for me romantically. We maintained a friendship, but I was devastated and guilt-stricken in private.

- There's a mutual friend/co-worker of ours who similarly felt for and pursued her during this time, albeit more outwardly. It developed into an unspoken, awkward love triangle, where all of the parties involved were aware of each other's feelings/intentions, but never spoke up about it.

- Some time after the date she gradually stopped contacting and hanging out with me like she used to, and started spending more time with him. Won't lie, I felt extremely hurt and jealous over being faded in favor of him. I also beat myself up over it as I felt there was something wrong or inferior about me that led to this fade. All of these emotions got the best of me and prompted me to act cold/indifferent towards her, which made things awkward and tense.

- We reconciled somewhat a couple of months later, though neither of us were totally honest with each other (about the love triangle and our feelings) as we didn't want to go there. I did it for the sake of peace at the workplace and the circle of friends/co-workers which we're both a part of.

- Last month at a b-day dinner for one of our former co-workers, I sat next to the both of them and caught them being touchy-feely under the table. Much as I'd feared all along, she moved on and is dating him in private. It broke my heart.

- I went cold on her again, as it's gotten to the point where it hurts seeing them together in and out of the workplace. Things are once again awkward between me and her, but I've otherwise been cool with our mutual friend throughout all of this.

So yeah...I fell HARD and hurt even HARDER when things didn't work out and when she moved on to someone within the same circle.

I've also felt like a scumbag for losing my cool and acting like a moody dick, as they've both genuinely good people that have largely been warm, patient and friendly towards me despite their secret relationship. It's not the kind of person that I am; I've been acting out of hurt because I've felt wronged and don't know how to cope.

To my credit I've tried my damnedest to move on in the months after that date; went on dates, had a hookup or two. They reminded me that I'm date-able and have redeeming qualities, things which I'd lost sight of. But I don't think I can truly move on until I come to terms with this.

Too much time, energy and happiness spent over this...I promised myself going into 2016 that I'd let go of this hurt and anger towards them, forgive myself and make things right, somehow. But I'm stuck in a hole that I've dug myself into, and don't know how to get out.

Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by Raymond Stereo

I felt extremely hurt and jealous over being faded in favor of him. I also beat myself up over it as I felt there was something wrong or inferior about me that led to this fade.

This ^^^ is the core of the problem. The fact that your ego is involved is what's keeping you stuck.

She didn't REALLY choose him OVER you. It was never really a competition.

Every woman you encounter isn't obligated to want you, and isn't going to want you. That doesn't mean there's something WRONG with you. You just aren't for her. Kind of like some people like certain ice cream flavors. That doesn't mean the ones you don't like are BAD; they're just "not your preference." So knowing this SHOULD make it easier to accept the fact that the person she does apparently like just happens to work with you.

Make no mistake, it SUCKS to be witnessing all this go down. But you'll relax as soon as you realize that you didn't lose; you just weren't really in the race.

[snugglegirl05]

OP:

This is really messy because all 3 of you work for the same small non-profit employer.

What needs to be done is to put some distance between yourself and your co-workers.

That means finding a job somewhere else if that is possible.

Your working there will only cause more pain and problems for you.

[Mikala43]

No lie, you are going to hurt. But your mindset will either help or hinder.

You are not lacking, you just didn't match up with her. They are just dating.... there is a good chance they will break up, and you still won't match up with her.

But by moving ahead, you open up the chance you will match up with someone else.

You are not the losing part of the triangle, you are the person you are meant to be. If you learned something from this, on how to be a better you, than you gained something important.

[Shysister]

This has nothing to do with her or him it's all on you and it sounds like you know this but as the poster 4life stated, you're not going to get over it trying to find ways to sooth your ego. This stopped being about her and him long time ago and more about the "game" itself that you invested way too much emotion into. It was one date but since she moved on to someone else and someone you actually are around frequently, it's made you resentful when in reality you should have accepted it as a thing that didn't go anywhere end of story.


However all you see is that you "lost" and he "won" and neither of them are even involved in this game you have created in order to stroke your ego. They're going on about their life and even being respectful in their actions, which says a lot about their character and prove they do not deserve to be involved in your petty mind games. Also jumping in bed with any woman isn't going to make you feel better about yourself or desirable. Sure you was able to get someone to hook up with you but again all you're doing is playing a game with people.


Don't play games if you can't afford to loose!

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by Shysister

This has nothing to do with her or him it's all on you and it sounds like you know this but as the poster 4life stated, you're not going to get over it trying to find ways to sooth your ego. This stopped being about her and him long time ago and more about the "game" itself that you invested way too much emotion into. It was one date but since she moved on to someone else and someone you actually are around frequently, it's made you resentful when in reality you should have accepted it as a thing that didn't go anywhere end of story.


However all you see is that you "lost" and he "won" and neither of them are even involved in this game you have created in order to stroke your ego. They're going on about their life and even being respectful in their actions, which says a lot about their character and prove they do not deserve to be involved in your petty mind games. Also jumping in bed with any woman isn't going to make you feel better about yourself or desirable. Sure you was able to get someone to hook up with you but again all you're doing is playing a game with people.


Don't play games if you can't afford to loose!

Wow all I hear here is you telling the OP he is a scumbag...

Don't listen to this person. OP but as other posters have said, you need to re-adjust your thinking. It's not your duty to win this girl over. SHE has a mind of her own. SHE chose the other guy. There are other girls out there for you.

Dating, socializing shoudn't be a competition. It should be fun and enjoyable and by telling yourself you've lost, you will destroy yourself.

[das74]

I know what im about to type will ruffle some feathers and come off as cold however I dont like to sugarcoat..
One important thing I've learned by observing others is "Never SH%# where you eat.."
If it doesnt end well? This is ultimately what happens..
Another thing..nothing has made you inferior. .you simply were not her cup of tea...
Hope you feel better soon...

[Shysister]

Originally Posted by Ro2113

Wow all I hear here is you telling the OP he is a scumbag...

Don't listen to this person. OP but as other posters have said, you need to re-adjust your thinking. It's not your duty to win this girl over. SHE has a mind of her own. SHE chose the other guy. There are other girls out there for you.

Dating, socializing shoudn't be a competition. It should be fun and enjoyable and by telling yourself you've lost, you will destroy yourself.

How is what you said any different than I what I said? It was a game to him and that's how and why he lost and he will continue to find himself in situations such as this if he continues to approach dating as a game and with expectations of because he likes a woman, she is obligated to his feelings.


Bottom line is he needs to stop making this only about him and I'm sure if she knew this about him she would say she dodged a bullet which she did. This is exactly why a lot of men end up disappointed in dating, change your approach and thinking you are entitled to whoever you want and it will lead to a lot less disappointment.

[Ro2113]

Originally Posted by Shysister

How is what you said any different than I what I said? It was a game to him and that's how and why he lost and he will continue to find himself in situations such as this if he continues to approach dating as a game and with expectations of because he likes a woman, she is obligated to his feelings.


Bottom line is he needs to stop making this only about him and I'm sure if she knew this about him she would say she dodged a bullet which she did. This is exactly why a lot of men end up disappointed in dating, change your approach and thinking you are entitled to whoever you want and it will lead to a lot less disappointment.

No, your post implies that the OP line of thought comes out of a place of malicious intent.

[zentropa]

Originally Posted by Shysister

Bottom line is he needs to stop making this only about him and I'm sure if she knew this about him she would say she dodged a bullet which she did. This is exactly why a lot of men end up disappointed in dating, change your approach and thinking you are entitled to whoever you want and it will lead to a lot less disappointment.

Exactly. There is something remarkably self-centered about this poster. She was never into him. I am not sure there was even a real "date" in the first place. ("After-dinner date" sounds like they unintentionally ended up alone after a work dinner). But somehow, he is in a "competition" for her favor? He has the right to give her the silent treatment because she is in a relationship with someone other than him?

Not cool, man. Act like an adult in the workplace and let it go.