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Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
So you are teaching your childen it is okay to be nasty to each other because the other person will not leave no matter what.
Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
OP there's a HUGE piece here that never got addressed. You should have spoken up, and supported her in getting counseling for her berievement. She may be depressed. This is not something one ignores hoping it will go away. A compassionate spouse opens a dialogue about something this big, if it's this obvious that the other is struggling. Both of you were remiss in avoiding the elephant in the room. And now, because of this neglect of such an important issue, a major life transition (speaking of the death of her mother, not even the menopause), you're ready to throw in the towel.
Well, it may indeed be too late to try to turn the clock back, deal with the berievement and possible resulting depression, and work on getting everything back on track. And hindsight is 20-20, of course, so I don't mean to get on your case, but can you start to see how in the bigger picture, it's not really fair? It sounds like "mom" really needs help. Did you ever talk to her about these things? About the deeper causes of why she'd changed so much? It's never too late to suggest counseling. Some people need help in processing a major loss. Whether you want to save the marriage or not, she needs this.
Communication is fundamental to a good marriage, absolutely essential, and it sounds like you two didn't have that. Both of you were just muddling along, grinning and bearing it. That's the wrong thing to do. You both missed some opportunities to address problems before they threatened the marriage.
Marriages don't necessarily die slowly unless you let them.
JerZ: She ignores me 29 days out of the month, then on day 30 she tells me she loves me and wants to restart the physical relationship (she stopped it on her own accord - "Going through some things" {menopause, death of her Mom}). I don't care anymore, it's all about my boys now. I go along to get along but the reality is there's precious little remaining. The financial impact would be substantial, but not devastating. I won't consider leaving until they finish high school and are off to college. Again, this isn't about sex, I don't do porn, drink or do drugs. I don't gamble. I'm not a bad guy, but this is not the life I want for the rest of my life. Thanks for answering.
Mod cut. You've got your heart set on getting free in four years and in two years you are going to have a coronary because you are so unhappy. I'm sure you aren't a bad guy, but you aren't being good to yourself either. That's bad. Guy.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-15-2016 at 07:42 AM..
Reason: Off-topic.
Geez. I keep seeing situations like. Which is why I only do short-term relationships. Once the lust starts to wear off and it becomes too routine, I'm out of there and on to the next one. Long term relationships and marriage sucks the life out of people. No thanks.
I agree. I think that if a person does not look at marriage as a life-time commitment--for better or worse--when what they actually mean is until I'm not happy in the relationship anymore, then why take the vow? Do vows mean nothing to people anymore? Growing apart is definitely something that can happen when two people come together in a relationship; that should have been looked at a possibility. If the thought was if I grow apart from this person and we end up not liking each other (which is *always* a possibility in any marriage) then it's done, then why get married? What's the point?
I commend people who stay away from marriage if their goal in it is happiness; that's often not a frequent thing in marriage. I wish more people would have this view.
Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
Okay, I was going to write a bit about how you are a perfect example of how we need to create a new societal norm for just amicably dissolving relationships that aren't working anymore in a way that won't create financial destruction or damage the kids.
But now i read this and I think...you are already in crisis. Your kids are already wise to how unhappy your home is and you just hanging around to prove some sort of point is probably not helping anyone.
IMHO, if your wife is the toxic element in your home she either needs to demonstrate some positive progress towards improving the family dynamic (in her case, therapy) or she needs to move out. Your children have the right to live in a non-toxic environment and you have an obligation to provide that for them. What are they learning from your marriage? How not to be in a relationship? How to disconnect and stand by and let your wife drown? Please help them, even if you refuse to ask for more for yourself.
I don't think this is about your relationship dying. She is likely clinically depressed. She needs an ultimatum to get help. If she were to choose not to get professional help, You don't have to divorce, or make it dramatic. You could even downsize in some way. Move into a duplex so you don't have to have complicated arrangements. Whatever. Your son said that 6 months ago and she essentially refused to take any ownership of the situation. Present it to her as an escape hatch rather than a punitive measure. Compassionate rather than angry. Think outside the relationship box!
I appreciate that you aren't a cheat or a cad, but if your son thinks your wife treats you awful, he may also be thinking what a doormat you are, and losing respect for you for not fixing the situation for yourself or them. Why don't the three of you deserve some peace and happiness? Man up.
While lots of people here have good advice, I would suggest you go to a marriage counselor (without your wife) to find out what he thinks of the situation. Maybe to remove any conflict of interest tell the counselor up front that if marriage counseling is needed for both you and your wife that you will be going to a third party.
I was just thinking that talking to someone who sees this day in and day out and has seen what is salvageable and what isn't might help put you in a better frame of mind to make the decision that is best for you and your kids.
Good luck. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you find happiness again soon.
Threads like this make me glad my ex-husband and I called it quits after just three years, I never allowed him to get me pregnant, and we were both grown up enough to be kind to one another through 95% of the split.
This is why I won't remarry, though. The thought of finding a thread like this written about me on the internet because my husband lacked the balls, self-respect, and respect for me to be honest with me makes me ill.
Ruth: It was OK, not great. The combo of the physical effects of menopause, coupled with the mental impact of her mother's death (they were VERY close - traveled together extensively for several years), resulted in someone even she admits is very difficult to live with. One of our boys told her on Halloween night "You need help, Mom. You are really hard to be around and you treat Dad awful." From the mouths of babes... Nothing changed, she simply ignored it. Relationships die slowly, and ours has been heading in this direction for a long time.
She needs therapy. You probably do, too. I would never call it quits without a whale of a fight though; marriage is too precious to not fight for it.
Get the Five Love Languages and read it, then see where you want to go from there.
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