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Yes, I will admit I feel like I missed on the prime dating years of the 20's. None of those whirlwind dating lives of drinking and partying depicted on television and media. I'm introverted but I'm not a social leper. Can't be in my role with patients and project management.
By Asian standards, I am old to be single and it's common in East Asian culture, married people do their darndest to introduce you to people. And the women they've tried to introduce me to are not always their daughters, could be younger sisters, cousins, sister-in-laws, friends etc.
The "husband material" has not come exclusively from older women. I have heard it from women my age or younger as well. It's has a much worse sound coming from younger women. Older people likely no ill intent with the words, but it may not match what women my age or younger may want.
In the past, getting married for practical or pragmatic reasons seemed to be par for the course. But the millennial in me still hopes for that love and amazing and passionate romance. But that could very likely attributed to bullet point 1. Maybe in the future, I will be willing to accept practical or pragmatic reasons but not yet.
Last edited by roninmedia; 07-28-2016 at 07:15 AM..
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
There is this weird kind of tacit assumption that seems to imply that decent/kind/stable/etc. can't go hand in hand with sexually attractive/fun/romantic...that one negates the other.
Which is a shame. And not (that I've found, anyway) in any way a universal truth.
Again, it isn't that at all. It is this:
If someone is fun to be with, a great time to be around, one doesn't initially describe them to others as stable.
If someone is amazing looking, one doesn't initially describe them as kind.
If someone is hilarious, one doesn't describe them as professional.
They may be all those things (stable, kind, professional), but those will be the go to descriptors when the more dynamic enjoyable traits don't come to mind first... that's the flag... its almost always because they aren't a great time to be around, amazing looking, or hilarious. Which is critical, especially in the beginning, since dating is about going out and having fun with someone. Sure, the other stuff is important for long term success, but one will never get there unless the fun is there from the beginning. What is not said about someone often tells more than what is said about someone.
I am about to turn 30 later this year. I was definitely not the party type during college as I didn't drink and smoke and with graduate school pretty much did not finish until 27. Add being an introvert to that and my relationships have been sparse.
I currently work in a corporate environment. For the most part, the people in my department/company are at least 10 years older than me. And I occasionally hear from some of the older women in my workplace, some of whom are actually single or have never been married, that I'm good "husband material". Same goes for the girls my age I know outside work.
Financially stable
Squeaky clean background
Good career
Able to handle most domestic duties that older generations attributed to women
I may say that the whole issue is the dichotomy of being from an Asian background (Chinese/Vietnamese) where dating/relationships were not necessarily about love at first sight/instant mutual attraction versus how it's portrayed by Hollywood and media. So it creates a divide between what is husband and boyfriend material.
So I am finding it at best a backhanded compliment at best when I hear about "husband material" and I compare to the sparseness of my dating life and realize I may be the type of guy that a girl's mother likes more than the girl .
I understand where you're coming from. I'm not of the same background as you, but I have no reason to doubt that your background creates a context where these comments are troubling. I still wonder if you've thought through this well enough though.
For this to be a backhanded compliment, or worse, several things need to be true. Those include:
1. Being husband material is bad
2. You can't be both husband material and whatever seems opposed to that (sexually attractive, romantic)
3. Those people's opinions define you in any significant way
As I said, though, my uncritical reaction would be similar to yours. Kind of "No, wait, I'm all dark and brooding and unstable over here". But if you're going to think about it at all, think it all the way through. Even if you conclude that the answers to my questions are:
1. True
2. True
3. True
then maybe that's how it goes and you'd need to work with being husband material. I don't believe that, but if that is ordained for you there are worse fates.
Yes, I will admit I feel like I missed on the prime dating years of the 20's. None of those whirlwind dating lives of drinking and partying depicted on television and media. I'm introverted but I'm not a social leper. Can't be in my role with patients and project management.
By Asian standards, I am old to be single and it's common in East Asian culture, married people do their darndest to introduce you to people. And the women they've tried to introduce me to are not always their daughters, could be younger sisters, cousins, sister-in-laws, friends etc.
The "husband material" has not come exclusively from older women. I have heard it from women my age or younger as well. It's has a much worse sound coming from younger women. Older people likely no ill intent with the words, but it may not match what women my age or younger may want.
In the past, getting married for practical or pragmatic reasons seemed to be par for the course. But the millennial in me still hopes for that love and amazing and passionate romance. But that could very likely attributed to bullet point 1. Maybe in the future, I will be willing to accept practical or pragmatic reasons but not yet.
All right.
So you've established (to your belief) that being called husband material proves you're past your dating prime and that the comment is more or less an insult.
Yes, I will admit I feel like I missed on the prime dating years of the 20's. None of those whirlwind dating lives of drinking and partying depicted on television and media. I'm introverted but I'm not a social leper. Can't be in my role with patients and project management.
By Asian standards, I am old to be single and it's common in East Asian culture, married people do their darndest to introduce you to people. And the women they've tried to introduce me to are not always their daughters, could be younger sisters, cousins, sister-in-laws, friends etc.
The "husband material" has not come exclusively from older women. I have heard it from women my age or younger as well. It's has a much worse sound coming from younger women. Older people likely no ill intent with the words, but it may not match what women my age or younger may want.
In the past, getting married for practical or pragmatic reasons seemed to be par for the course. But the millennial in me still hopes for that love and amazing and passionate romance. But that could very likely attributed to bullet point 1. Maybe in the future, I will be willing to accept practical or pragmatic reasons but not yet.
Be careful with this attitude.
I'm not sure how experienced you are in dating, but I'm pretty experienced. This kind of attitude can get you heavily involved with mentally unstable women.
Not saying it will, but it can.
I recommend going for a practical-type girl and letting the love develop.
I'm not sure how experienced you are in dating, but I'm pretty experienced. This kind of attitude can get you heavily involved with mentally unstable women.
I concur. Go ahead and date wild romance junkie women, to get that whirlwind romance experience, but don't get married to them. They are not wife material by any means. Just remember to be truthful about your intentions, i.e. that you're not looking for anything long-term.
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