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I am about to turn 30 later this year. I was definitely not the party type during college as I didn't drink and smoke and with graduate school pretty much did not finish until 27. Add being an introvert to that and my relationships have been sparse.
I currently work in a corporate environment. For the most part, the people in my department/company are at least 10 years older than me. And I occasionally hear from some of the older women in my workplace, some of whom are actually single or have never been married, that I'm good "husband material". Same goes for the girls my age I know outside work.
Financially stable
Squeaky clean background
Good career
Able to handle most domestic duties that older generations attributed to women
I may say that the whole issue is the dichotomy of being from an Asian background (Chinese/Vietnamese) where dating/relationships were not necessarily about love at first sight/instant mutual attraction versus how it's portrayed by Hollywood and media. So it creates a divide between what is husband and boyfriend material.
So I am finding it at best a backhanded compliment at best when I hear about "husband material" and I compare to the sparseness of my dating life and realize I may be the type of guy that a girl's mother likes more than the girl .
So is the "girl next door, a nice girl and not beautiful but cute." The lucky ones to receive this "compliment" don't necessarily think of it as a good thing. However, hopefully one day you fine someone who thinks it is.
I agree with the majority opinion that the OP is overthinking it. However, I think that the following things should be factored in: who's giving the OP the compliment and her current "status"/attitude/lifestyle/finances; the tone in which the compliment was given; the surrounding context. In any case, there's no need to feel insulted because nobody calls a guy "husband material" in a deliberate backhanded way...it's always a genuinely positive compliment. But, depending on the things I mentioned above...it *may* be a subtle warning sign for the OP to be careful around the woman. The right woman will like you for YOU, not your stability or assets.
Take the compliment in stride and continue on with your day. Chances are, if the woman's looking for a safety net...you'll likely figure that out eventually based on how she carries herself, the subjects she talks about (and how she talks about them), her status, attitude and other overt and subtle factors and hints. Some men are okay with that, others aren't.
Well, I wasn't there for these courtships, but it seemed like the men were persistent and the women's interest grew.
And, trust me, these women must have had other options. They're gorgeous with great careers and good personalities (Read: I would have undoubtedly dated them)....and they have great marriages.
Another thing: your idea of settling may not be someone else's. Personally, if I meet a woman that I'm not strongly attracted to or passionate about, but we get along well and she has a good and stable career, then she is my ideal. Sign me up for life!
If she feels the same way about me, that's fine too.
If, by your definition, we're settling for each other, then so be it. I'll take it! SOLD!!
Man, that sounds absolutely HORRIBLE. I'm sorry, but to me, love is not a business deal. If we're not even remotely crazy about each other, what's the freaking point. I see relationships where the man and woman are so crazy and filled with drama that their relationship last a lifetime, even though they lose friends in the process. Even though everyone else thinks they're a bad match, they feel like they're the right match for each other. There's no way that I would/could pursue a relationship with a woman that I wasn't thrilled about.
I've had it happen to me as well. I was spending too much of my time trying to persuade her to like me more, because deep down I kinda already knew I wasn't her cup of tea. Guess who was hurt in the end? It sure wasn't her. At that moment, I realized it was time for me to do things differently, because being in that situation was not pleasant.
I think I'm in the same situation as the OP. I see all my friends dating casually, many with friends with benefits situations - but for some reason I just can't partake in that, no matter how hard I try to connect with anyone. And the ones that I do connect with want me for long-term relationships, which I do not want.
Out all my friends, I am pretty successful. I'm a good talker, listener, and plenty of hobbies, well educated and traveled, good job and salary, live in an amazing city in my own apartment. I'm also decent looking with average body type. Most girls I've dated never considered me boring - they also would say I was trustworthy, caring and responsible.
Most of my friends treat females like dirt and I'm just oblivious as to how they still manage to lure them in. It's gotten to the point where I've been trying to be an ******* to females - maybe the ones I want will fall for me if I mimic my friends?
Could it be that the girls that I want consider me to be "husband-material"? Is it possible that I intimidate them? Maybe I'm just boring? Could I be too nice?
I think I'm in the same situation as the OP. I see all my friends dating casually, many with friends with benefits situations - but for some reason I just can't partake in that, no matter how hard I try to connect with anyone. And the ones that I do connect with want me for long-term relationships, which I do not want.
Out all my friends, I am pretty successful. I'm a good talker, listener, and plenty of hobbies, well educated and traveled, good job and salary, live in an amazing city in my own apartment. I'm also decent looking with average body type. Most girls I've dated never considered me boring - they also would say I was trustworthy, caring and responsible.
Most of my friends treat females like dirt and I'm just oblivious as to how they still manage to lure them in. It's gotten to the point where I've been trying to be an ******* to females - maybe the ones I want will fall for me if I mimic my friends?
Could it be that the girls that I want consider me to be "husband-material"? Is it possible that I intimidate them? Maybe I'm just boring? Could I be too nice?
My apologies if this doesn't make any sense.
Thanks in advance for the reply!
You are going for the wrong kinds of girls. You need to be going for ones that are looking for shorter term things.
You are presenting yourself in the wrong manner. You are presenting yourself as someone who is available for long term relationships. You need to be upfront with what you are looking for. You don't have to be a jerk to do this.
If you are already successful in getting dates, it should be pretty easy to modify your methods to get more short term, casual relationships.
You are going for the wrong kinds of girls. You need to be going for ones that are looking for shorter term things.
You are presenting yourself in the wrong manner. You are presenting yourself as someone who is available for long term relationships. You need to be upfront with what you are looking for. You don't have to be a jerk to do this.
If you are already successful in getting dates, it should be pretty easy to modify your methods to get more short term, casual relationships.
This particular statement is one that I let go one ear and out the other. I say that, because my friends have stated similar things to me in the past. The issue I have with this statement, is that you're telling someone the women they're attracted to, they shouldn't be attracted to. You're also telling women that the men they're attracted to, they shouldn't be attracted to.
The reality is we all have someone within our digital reach, who through other people's eyes, is the "best match" for us. The thing is, just because someone else believes someone is a good fit for us, doesn't mean that we feel that way about that person.
Case in point, I really really liked this woman over a couple year timespan and I was finally able to casually date her. As my feelings grew for her, her feelings for me weren't the same. You want to know what else, none of her friends went to her and said you should give it more time. She made up her mind and that was that.
Also, I think there's plenty of people out there looking for something long-term, but don't have the current life situation to support it. We all know that a relationship takes work and sacrifice, but if you're already sacrificing to post grad school and a 9-5, if you want to do well in both, how much time do you really have to pursue a long-term relationship? Things can become easier if you're both studying the same field or working for the same employer, because at that point, you're life is intertwining in some ways.
This is what I've learned this year. The older we become the more our schedules and lives become full of things and there's less time available for relationships. This is what I've seen from the single crowd and dating. I can't speak from a relationship standpoint, because I haven't been in one in a while.
This particular statement is one that I let go one ear and out the other. I say that, because my friends have stated similar things to me in the past. The issue I have with this statement, is that you're telling someone the women they're attracted to, they shouldn't be attracted to. You're also telling women that the men they're attracted to, they shouldn't be attracted to.
The reality is we all have someone within our digital reach, who through other people's eyes, is the "best match" for us. The thing is, just because someone else believes someone is a good fit for us, doesn't mean that we feel that way about that person.
Case in point, I really really liked this woman over a couple year timespan and I was finally able to casually date her. As my feelings grew for her, her feelings for me weren't the same. You want to know what else, none of her friends went to her and said you should give it more time. She made up her mind and that was that.
Also, I think there's plenty of people out there looking for something long-term, but don't have the current life situation to support it. We all know that a relationship takes work and sacrifice, but if you're already sacrificing to post grad school and a 9-5, if you want to do well in both, how much time do you really have to pursue a long-term relationship? Things can become easier if you're both studying the same field or working for the same employer, because at that point, you're life is intertwining in some ways.
This is what I've learned this year. The older we become the more our schedules and lives become full of things and there's less time available for relationships. This is what I've seen from the single crowd and dating. I can't speak from a relationship standpoint, because I haven't been in one in a while.
The guy was not looking for long term. He wants casual short term. That's why he needs to change it up and focus on what he wants, as well as presenting himself in that light.
It seems like your main concern is that it's older "mom" types who are proclaiming you "a catch," when you'd rather be attracting the daughters themselves, versus just making their moms think, "This is the kind of guy I wish my daughter would find."
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
It seems like your main concern is that it's older "mom" types who are proclaiming you "a catch," when you'd rather be attracting the daughters themselves, versus just making their moms think, "This is the kind of guy I wish my daughter would find."
It's a fairly valid and understandable concern. Mom's tend to like safe, stable, and boring.
Yes, it's always preferable to held in wariness and distrust by an S.O.'s loved ones.
Them thinking you're a standup guy is so predictable and boring.
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