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We weren't married, but we were together for 7 years and lived together for 4.
You absolutely MUST find someone who shares the same values and is an EQUAL PARTNER in effort and direction.
You absolutely MUST find someone who is committed to being a grown-up.
You absolutely MUST respect them and trust them 100% (and it has to be because they earned it).
I was divorced at 21 after a brief 3 year marriage that thankfully produced no children. I was stupid young and he wasn't much better despite being 24. We both made many mistakes. My second husband and I were married for 26 years until his death and I can see where I made a lot of mistakes, different than the first but still mistakes. I was 29 when I married him, he was 49.
Looking back I saw red flags but chose to ignore them because I was "in love" and a certain part was purely "lust". If I had the wisdom then as I do now 35 years later I would not have gotten involved with him at all. Not saying he was a bad person or husband, he was just not the right guy for me.
As we get older I think the majority of us realize what we can live with and what are deal breakers. I know I have and if I ever marry again (which I'm 99% sure I won't) I hope I will have learned by these mistakes.
We weren't married, but we were together for 7 years and lived together for 4.
You absolutely MUST find someone who shares the same values and is an EQUAL PARTNER in effort and direction.
You absolutely MUST find someone who is committed to being a grown-up.
You absolutely MUST respect them and trust them 100% (and it has to be because they earned it).
I used to tell my son, while he was growing up....be honest, no matter how much it hurts....
and I lived by that, except one time, b/c of bad advice from family members....literally went against my own personal constitution. It was a series of events....that turned out very badly and believe you me, I learned a very difficult lesson, to never ever lie, regardless, always be upfront and honest.
I am not a shrink but if I was my question would be "What did you do that made these guys you "fixed" all leave you?"
I have no idea. They just say they are not happy with me. Like I do not make them happy. But I don't think it is my job to make anyone but myself happy. Happiness is within and you just choose to be happy...or not.
I have done counseling for years and still can't pinpoint why I only attract users, losers and very damaged men. I wish I could tell you. Thankfully at this point, I can now pick them out and send them on their way prior to becoming invested, but it certainly would be nice to find a normal, mentally healthy man that wants me.
Here lately I seem to have the married men going through a mid life crisis sniffing around... And I want my own husband and not someone else's fool, so I do not give them a minute of my time.
I have done counseling for years and still can't pinpoint why I only attract users, losers and very damaged men. I wish I could tell you. Thankfully at this point, I can now pick them out and send them on their way prior to becoming invested, but it certainly would be nice to find a normal, mentally healthy man that wants me.
Here lately I seem to have the married men going through a mid life crisis sniffing around... And I want my own husband and not someone else's fool, so I do not give them a minute of my time.
By nature, theirs, some people are "fixers." Some are "savers." Some are both. I "saved" my first wife and should have let someone else do it. While our marriage benefitted my current wife financially after she spent 18 years as a single, working mother raising and helping her daughters with no help, whatsoever, from their father, she was and remains a strong woman with income of her own. This marriage has been much better all around for both of us.
What I learned from the first marriage which collapsed after 25 years and should have done so much earlier is to avoid those who are needy because of their life choices. Try it. You may like it. Unfortunately, those you "save" may lack the capacity for appreciation. They may be merely users. You attract them because you allow them in your life. Stop it!
By nature, theirs, some people are "fixers." Some are "savers." Some are both. I "saved" my first wife and should have let someone else do it. While our marriage benefitted my current wife financially after she spent 18 years as a single, working mother raising and helping her daughters with no help, whatsoever, from their father, she was and remains a strong woman with income of her own. This marriage has been much better all around for both of us.
What I learned from the first marriage which collapsed after 25 years and should have done so much earlier is to avoid those who are needy because of their life choices. Try it. You may like it. Unfortunately, those you "save" may lack the capacity for appreciation. They may be merely users. You attract them because you allow them in your life. Stop it!
I am definitely a fixer by nature. But over the last 18 months or so, I have gotten very good at not volunteering to fix anything. One would think this would cause me to stop having the strays appear in my life if I do not "feed them", and I would have room for those that do not need fixing, but the result has been to not really have anyone around. Which is honestly getting a little lonely. However I have learned why many of my friends were my friends for years, and I now know how valuable I was to them.
I have done counseling for years and still can't pinpoint why I only attract users, losers and very damaged men. I wish I could tell you. Thankfully at this point, I can now pick them out and send them on their way prior to becoming invested, but it certainly would be nice to find a normal, mentally healthy man that wants me.
Here lately I seem to have the married men going through a mid life crisis sniffing around... And I want my own husband and not someone else's fool, so I do not give them a minute of my time.
the same thing used to happen to me, but no more, as I realized, I allowed them in my life, and I started to cut out my so called, Toxic Friends. you can spot them pretty quickly. Just say No....
You don't owe anyone but your self a thing, and you deserve better.
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