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I'm widowed in my 30s (with kids). It's been almost a year. I've processed the grief and had a few "fun" dates to test the waters but I'm ready for an actual relationship. However, I don't want to disclose that I'm widowed immediately and profiles/bios of the big "relationship sites" force you to choose a box. So, I'm not looking at Match or eHarmony. I'm looking to meet men In Real Life but where? I'm not overly religious but I've been asking around about churches with singles groups. I'm getting a lot of judgment for trying to actually meet someone at a church. I joined meetup. Did a little rock climbing (half a dozen times) and coffee/wine tastings, but again, everyone seems really focused on the activity and nobody seems to be chatting or getting to know each other. My friends are all married. I've already asked if anyone could set me up but nobody knows anyone. I joined a gym... got in the best shape of my life... but still, nobody talks. I'm dressing up and leaving my downtown office every single day... buying lunch or coffee... but most of the ring-less men I see are glued to their phones! I'll step into an elevator with an attractive man and he immediately pulls out his phone and aimlessly thumb-swipes over news stories or whatever. Waiting for smoothies or lattes... same thing. All looking down. So tell me... how and where exactly am I supposed to meet men?
I'm widowed in my 30s (with kids).
I'm not looking at Match or eHarmony. (Try OK Cupid)
I joined meetup. Did a little rock climbing (half a dozen times) and coffee/wine tastings...
I joined a gym... got in the best shape of my life... but still, nobody talks.
These and similar activities that YOU like to do regardless of the dating outcome
are your best bet overall. Make friends with the people (the women as well) and expand
that into other aspects of each others lives creating an expanded social circle.
An introduction by them (call it a blind date if done poorly) to someone they know and like...
who they have reason to believe will appeal to you for similar reasons works just as well for you.
Quote:
...most of the ring-less men I see are glued to their phones!
And in your appropriate age range they are glued to their careers
because -- even if not divorced with kids -- many are just holding on by the fingertips.
---
This is the biggest conflict for the best of them... the 30ish mateables... even having time to date.
(mateable meaning solvent, independent, willing to commit, etc)
You're far more likely to find people who want to (need to really) jump over the middle steps
and right to the co-habitating level with you and your instant family. That isn't an indictment of them..
most are good enough people but they aren't in a position to afford the sort of extended romantic courtship
or uncertainty of outcome that prolonged dating entails.
Last edited by MrRational; 04-19-2017 at 07:37 AM..
Keep trying Meetups. They're called "Meet up" for a reason. It's not so people can stare at their phones or focus on an activity without talking to others in the group. Maybe you didn't click with anyone at the one you went to, but there are others.
Find out if there's a hiking club in your town, or boating. At the coffee klatches or wine tastings, did you attempt to start conversations? Maybe someone just needed to break the ice. What about taking a photography class, or volunteering somewhere? Any one of these activities can be hit-or-miss, but if you keep trying different ones, you'll meet more people. Try book readings at bookstores, travel lectures at travel bookstores or outdoor recreation clubs. Try dance classes; there are salsa or swing dance evenings organized by enthusiasts, that offer a class for a nominal fee before the dance evening begins. Check your local newspaper's events calendar to find day and location, and to see what other activities there are that might be of interest to you.
I'm surprised you're getting flack for asking about singles activities at churches. "Fellowship" is one thing churches are for. Some have a "fellowship" hour after the weekly service. Maybe they're getting miffed because you're not a regular congregant; they see you as some random person calling churches to meet singles, only showing interest in attending church for that purpose? Decide on a church by whatever your criteria are, attend a few times, then ask if they have any "fellowship activities".
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-19-2017 at 07:51 AM..
I think what you are experiencing is the effect of technology on socializing. Before everyone had access to a phone 24/7, along with social media, people actually did say hello, meet and talk in person in all of the scenarios you describe. I know because I was there. I really don't have any advice...technology has created a society where people "unlearn" how to interact with each other. Hence the threads here about people who wonder if they should message someone on Facebook that they actually have/had opportunities to speak with in person. Same for all those who would rather be boiled in oil than talk on the phone. It's a terrible downside of technology.
It seems to me as though you are doing all the right things. The only thing left is to take the step of striking up a conversation yourself. Challenging when someone is staring at a phone instead of experiencing the world around him. Good luck!
I think what you are experiencing is the effect of technology on socializing. Before everyone had access to a phone 24/7, along with social media, people actually did say hello, meet and talk in person in all of the scenarios you describe. I know because I was there. I really don't have any advice...technology has created a society where people "unlearn" how to interact with each other. Hence the threads here about people who wonder if they should message someone on Facebook that they actually have/had opportunities to speak with in person. Same for all those who would rather be boiled in oil than talk on the phone. It's a terrible downside of technology.
It seems to me as though you are doing all the right things. The only thing left is to take the step of striking up a conversation yourself. Challenging when someone is staring at a phone instead of experiencing the world around him. Good luck!
lol! I've noticed that on this forum, and never understood it. People have posted that they hate talking on the phone. It used to be a nice way to visit with your friends, if you couldn't drive across town to see them. Now people don't even want to hear each other's voices.
Keep trying Meetups. They're called "Meet up" for a reason. It's not so people can stare at their phones or focus on an activity without talking to others in the group. Maybe you didn't click with anyone at the one you went to, but there are others.
Find out if there's a hiking club in your town, or boating. At the coffee klatches or wine tastings, did you attempt to start conversations? Maybe someone just needed to break the ice. What about taking a photography class, or volunteering somewhere? Any one of these activities can be hit-or-miss, but if you keep trying different ones, you'll meet more people. Try book readings at bookstores, travel lectures at travel bookstores or outdoor recreation clubs. Try dance classes; there are salsa or swing dance evenings organized by enthusiasts, that offer a class for a nominal fee before the dance evening begins. Check your local newspaper's events calendar to find day and location, and to see what other activities there are that might be of interest to you.
I'm surprised you're getting flack for asking about singles activities at churches. "Fellowship" is one thing churches are for. Some have a "fellowship" hour after the weekly service. Maybe they're getting miffed because you're not a regular congregant; they see you as some random person calling churches to meet singles, only showing interest in attending church for that purpose? Decide on a church by whatever your criteria are, attend a few times, then ask if they have any "fellowship activities".
These are great suggestions :-)
I'm very personable and I talk to everyone at the meetups - men and women. I guess I'll keep doing that.
Yes - "not a regular congregant" -- that is the problem.
These and similar activities that YOU like to do regardless of the dating outcome
are your best bet overall. Make friends with the people (the women as well) and expand
that into other aspects of each others lives creating an expanded social circle.
An introduction by them (call it a blind date if done poorly) to someone they know and like...
who they have reason to believe will appeal to you for similar reasons works just as well for you.
And in your appropriate age range they are glued to their careers
because -- even if not divorced with kids -- many are just holding on by the fingertips.
---
This is the biggest conflict for the best of them... the 30ish mateables... even having time to date.
(mateable meaning solvent, independent, willing to commit, etc)
You're far more likely to find people who want to (need to really) jump over the middle steps
and right to the co-habitating level with you and your instant family. That isn't an indictment of them..
most are good enough people but they aren't in a position to afford the sort of extended romantic courtship
or uncertainty of outcome that prolonged dating entails.
To the last part - it's true. My kids are very young. My son will have no memories of his dad (he was 5 months old when he died). My daughter might but it's unlikely. Whoever becomes "step-dad" will be the only father these kids ever know. I have been approached by 2 men who find this prospect very appealing but I'm not attracted to either.
OP, be patient. These things take time. At least you've been approached by two family-oriented guys. That gives hope for the future; guys are approaching you. That's more than what some women get. How/where did they approach you? Notice what types of venues work for you.
On the topic of churches: there are all kinds out there, just saying. There are some that are oriented toward volunteering in needy communities, there are some that are highly ecumenical, and include meditation and eastern philosophy, there are ones that are oriented toward political activism, there are ones that welcome all manner of diversity. There are ones who aren't even particularly Christian, that are into more of a generic spirituality. There are even spiritist churches, that help people communicate with loved ones that have passed away. Serious "woo". Some people like the Unitarian Universalists, because they're not "churchy". YMMV, depending on geographical location and local culture.
OP, be patient. These things take time. At least you've been approached by two family-oriented guys. That gives hope for the future; guys are approaching you. That's more than what some women get. How/where did they approach you? Notice what types of venues work for you.
On the topic of churches: there are all kinds out there, just saying. There are some that are oriented toward volunteering in needy communities, there are some that are highly ecumenical, and include meditation and eastern philosophy, there are ones that are oriented toward political activism, there are ones that welcome all manner of diversity. There are ones who aren't even particularly Christian, that are into more of a generic spirituality. There are even spiritist churches, that help people communicate with loved ones that have passed away. Serious "woo". Some people like the Unitarian Universalists, because they're not "churchy". YMMV, depending on geographical location and local culture.
Both men aren't "new meets" though... they came out of the wood-work so to speak after learning about my husband's death. Ironically, they are both TOO religious for me. Also, several of his coworkers expressed interest in getting to know me better "unless that would be weird". It is weird. I can't. I'm not trying to forget him per-say but having that close of an association is too much.
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