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This board cracks me up sometimes, the types of dealbreakers that I never even knew existed at all.
It isn't the type. It's when and why you apply them. If I were going to marry someone or buy a house with them, then I'd want to know about their credit history. But I'm not going to ask until it looks like the relationship is headed in that direction. If you've been dating someone for a couple of months, that's enough time to decide if you're exclusive now. But it's not enough time IMO to know that you might someday marry the person. And yet, you got people already asking for credit reports. I get that marriage-minded people don't want to invest time on a relationship they know isn't going to last. Being proactive is good, up to a point. But sometimes, it's better to wait until something happens and then decide how to handle it. Suppose you're dating a terrific person, it gets serious, and then after a year or two, you're ready to settle down with them. Then they reveal they have bad credit and a lot of debt. Do you get angry at them for not telling you all this sooner? I suppose you could. Or you could just say "I want to marry you, but not until you resolve these financial issues first."
Suppose you're dating a terrific person, it gets serious, and then after (some long period of time) ...
Then they then reveal they have bad credit and a lot of debt.
Do you get angry at them for not telling you all this sooner? I suppose you could.
Suppose? It would take a pretty low self esteem to NOT be angry at that point.
After a month or so and/or exclusivity is happening...
you each have an obligation to own up to your stuff.
The only issue in all these examples is in HOW it all happens.
But the sociopath model is not par.
Suppose? It would take a pretty low self esteem to NOT be angry at that point.
After a month or so and/or exclusivity is happening...
you each have an obligation to own up to your stuff.
The only issue in all these examples is in HOW it all happens.
But the sociopath model is not par.
There's a strong air of entitlement in your post. You use words like obligation as if you're owed something. You've been dating a month or so. That's enough time to decide you want to focus on this person and not date anyone else. But that's hardly enough time to decide you see marriage or home ownership in your future. Your right to know sounds selfish, as if you care more about your interests than on her privacy. And given how early it is in the relationship, it seems awfully presumptuous to be even thinking about "what if we buy a house" or "what if we get married."
It isn't the type. It's when and why you apply them. If I were going to marry someone or buy a house with them, then I'd want to know about their credit history. But I'm not going to ask until it looks like the relationship is headed in that direction. If you've been dating someone for a couple of months, that's enough time to decide if you're exclusive now. But it's not enough time IMO to know that you might someday marry the person. And yet, you got people already asking for credit reports. I get that marriage-minded people don't want to invest time on a relationship they know isn't going to last. Being proactive is good, up to a point. But sometimes, it's better to wait until something happens and then decide how to handle it. Suppose you're dating a terrific person, it gets serious, and then after a year or two, you're ready to settle down with them. Then they reveal they have bad credit and a lot of debt. Do you get angry at them for not telling you all this sooner? I suppose you could. Or you could just say "I want to marry you, but not until you resolve these financial issues first."
I think our outlook seems unreasonable bc you and I seem to date for different reasons and I personally do not bother even dating someone who it doesn't look like there's a future with. Meaning I tend to get to know them a bit before we even go there.
It IS if they want to pursue me romantically.
And it's never mattered, because every single person I've dated TOLD ME themselves.
I never asked.
When I say meet them, I'm talking about once you're on a date with them or first start talking to them as a romantic prospect. Then I remember where I am. This is the land where cold approaches are looked down on, as well as women asking a man out first, a dirty car exterior equaling bad hygiene, the place where guys who aren't the best looking don't ever get girlfriends or ones who are good looking unless their "Rich" and a place where many people act like you need to get to know someone to ask them out, rather than ask someone out in order to get to know them. Which I vehemently disagree with, although I do think it's alright to ask someone out whom you already know.
As for me, I have Asperger's syndrome and I don't feel it's anyone's business to know this on the first date or even until we're damn near close to officially exclusive with each other. I've seen the take from the "Psychiatrist's" on this forum alone. Who are totally ignorant about it and spout off like we're second class citizens and lucky if we can even use a damn computer to type up messages on this forum, let alone date people who aren't also "On the spectrum". No one with any kind of disability or illness should be treated as if they're a second class citizen, by the way.
Bottom line is that I don't like everyone knowing my business.
It IS if they want to pursue me romantically.
And it's never mattered, because every single person I've dated TOLD ME themselves.
I never asked.
This has been my experience. I would share my credit score (800s) at an appropriate part of the relationship, and that I had no debt, and that is something that is important to me. My husband shared his into at that time. I had no medical conditions at that point, they all developed since we have been together... hey...
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An approximately equal reveal of reality that each should be willing to offer.
And that word 'offer' is key... it shouldn't require an interrogation.
No, actually you're not owed anything. This is what I mean about feeling entitled. The information belongs to the other person. You have to earn the right to learn it. My ex and I weren't planning to buy a house anytime soon. The reason I felt she should've told me about her debt was because it related to her illness and gave me a better idea of just how serious it was. Had it not been for her BP, I would've been fine with her not telling me how much debt she was in. Why? Because our relationship hadn't reached the point where it was necessary for her to disclose that information.
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