Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I tend to agree on the smothering part. I would like to think, however, that he would be aware of their previous messaging pattern and at least acknowledge it, but who knows WTH he's doing.
To me, if I wasn't interested, I'd respond probably once a day or just say "hey I like you but it's not working out, etc". But he's keeping the lines of communication open. Plus, OP admitted to not responding right away to not seem "desperate", so it's almost like she's playing the texting games herself. Again, us guys can pick up on that.
This is why I hate texting these days when it comes to dating. People expect you to be talking non-stop 24/7. Believe it or not, guys take a min to think about things too. I'm still missing what the guy is doing wrong here...because he didn't make plans right away with OP and has other plans? That doesn't mean he just hit it and quit it...
Maybe I'm just wired differently I guess and people are used to guys who just suck, but I don't really see any issue. OP SHOULD be making other plans, not waiting around for this guy. But nothing has indicated that he's not interested anymore.
All I know is that when I've been in decent interactions with someone, ones with any kind of a future, if I or they had to respond to a query about what they're doing this weekend, we wouldn't be like, "yeah, I'm popular, so busy" There would be a sorry in there, there would be a mention that I'd really like to see you but here is why I can't, there would be something about expecting to maybe have some free time and some point in the future.
It would NOT be leaving the other person hanging, wondering IF I had ghosted or flaked, or IF we'd even see each other again. It's not smothering. It's taking an interest in another person.
And if a man is just so darn busy that he can't even give me any clue about when we might get together again at some point, and is not interested in my feelings of wanting to see him, or trying to see it from my side at all...then I'm sorry but that just does not bode well for the prospects of it as a relationship.
I just think if someone is feeling the way that the OP is feeling, it means something. It's her gut trying to tell her something, and it will also probably create a self-fulfilling prophecy if she tries to hang on anyways, if she lets it prod her interactions with this person.
All I know is that when I've been in decent interactions with someone, ones with any kind of a future, if I or they had to respond to a query about what they're doing this weekend, we wouldn't be like, "yeah, I'm popular, so busy" There would be a sorry in there, there would be a mention that I'd really like to see you but here is why I can't, there would be something about expecting to maybe have some free time and some point in the future.
It would NOT be leaving the other person hanging, wondering IF I had ghosted or flaked, or IF we'd even see each other again. It's not smothering. It's taking an interest in another person.
And if a man is just so darn busy that he can't even give me any clue about when we might get together again at some point, and is not interested in my feelings of wanting to see him, or trying to see it from my side at all...then I'm sorry but that just does not bode well for the prospects of it as a relationship.
I just think if someone is feeling the way that the OP is feeling, it means something. It's her gut trying to tell her something, and it will also probably create a self-fulfilling prophecy if she tries to hang on anyways, if she lets it prod her interactions with this person.
I see your point.
But also, there's no real thing making him to make plans right away. The beginning of something new, imo, should be something more carefree and laidback. He's not her boyfriend, they're just in the initial stage of getting together. So while I see your point, he also really could be telling the truth. I wouldn't feel obligated to make plans though unless she was like "Hey, we should do something this weekend or next week". Sometimes, us guys are oblivious to signs right in our faces too.
A big sign of why I say he's interested is that he's still texting back and forth. If I weren't interested, I'd text less and less. But he is. And why should he be sorry? What's he to be sorry for? Sometimes I make plans weeks or a month in advance with friends, a concert, family events. Hell, I'm seeing a girl, but next weekend I have a fishing trip and the next weekend I'm going home for my sister's birthday...it's not to be an ass, but I really do have things going on. He COULD HAVE said "let's do something early next week", I agree, however, you guys are acting like this is her boyfriend. All I'm saying is, relax. Jumping on that text of him saying "I'm busy and popular" doesn't mean he's not interested.
All you're doing right now is when this guy is like "hey, lets hang out", OP is going to be like "Oh NOW you reply to me and want to hang out" and it's a lose-lose situation for both parties, instead of simply being patient. OP and ppl in this thread are automatically writing him off as a player, when it has barely been a day since they last hung out. Let's wait it out. I could be wrong here with this dude, but, it's also way too premature to write him off as "uninterested" just because he's busy this weekend.
I did not mean he should say "sorry" as in he's got deep feelings of remorse, sorry. I meant the social nicety that smooths things, like when a friend texts me and my phone is dead and I plug it in and forget about it for a while, and hours later I see they texted...I will say, "Sorry for the delayed response, phone was dead..." prefacing my message. It indicates that I didn't mean to leave 'em hanging and sorry if they felt ignored. What I would do if I cared and I were the man the OP was dating, would be to say sorry in the sense of "I get that you'd like some of my time, sorry, but I can't give it to you right now."
And as for the boyfriend treatment...it is clear that the OP was feeling the kind of attachment one does when trying to relationship. I guess that's really the ultimate point though... For many of us, having sex is what boosts our tendency to feel attachy. This is why for some of us, we can observe that maybe waiting a little bit to know if that sort of vulnerable emotional state is safe with this new person, might be the right choice.
This isn't really even about time or schedules or dates or texts. The OP needs validation or affirmation, that everything is ok and she's not on the brink of abandonment. He has not given her that. And this early it might be too soon to be reaching for it, doing so can spook some people.
There was a point in the relationship I'm in, where suddenly big feelings exploded on me and wow, I felt suddenly very vulnerable. I questioned everything, and I was scared for no good reason. My man and I got together for a fried ice cream date and talked about it, and he reassured me. But we were SEVEN MONTHS into our relationship at that point, and so he cared enough that he wanted me to be ok. There's no reason for someone you've dated three times, even if you just had sex, to necessarily feel compelled to soothe your insecurities or fears, especially if they aren't that attached yet. And throwing your needs at them can pretty much ensure they don't get attached at all.
I suggest that the OP should get offline and make plans with her friends to go out and have a little fun tonight. There's no telling what's going on with this guy, but if he's interested he'll be back.
To me, if I wasn't interested, I'd respond probably once a day or just say "hey I like you but it's not working out, etc". But he's keeping the lines of communication open. Plus, OP admitted to not responding right away to not seem "desperate", so it's almost like she's playing the texting games herself. Again, us guys can pick up on that.
This is why I hate texting these days when it comes to dating. People expect you to be talking non-stop 24/7. Believe it or not, guys take a min to think about things too. I'm still missing what the guy is doing wrong here...because he didn't make plans right away with OP and has other plans? That doesn't mean he just hit it and quit it...
Maybe I'm just wired differently I guess and people are used to guys who just suck, but I don't really see any issue. OP SHOULD be making other plans, not waiting around for this guy. But nothing has indicated that he's not interested anymore.
She is saying that what changed was the amount of communication between the two of them. It went from 60 to 0, basically. As a result, it's reasonable for her to conclude that his interest level has changed.
I agree that it's a douchey thing for a guy to do. I also wish people would just be cool. It's annoying that people often play games and won't just come right out and be real. I think, maybe, they assume if they just told her what was up, they extrapolate the conversation in their minds to what she would say back, and create a whole drama of it in their imagination, and that makes them even MORE avoidant-feeling. So much easier to assume that if you simply go radio-silent, more or less, she'll get the message. I guess. And it lets them not confront being made to feel like a bad person, the guilty feelings when someone is really into you and you can't reciprocate it, perhaps. Breeze on without thinking about it, feel less guilt. And if the other person gets frantic, you can turn it all around on them and say they are "crazy." Ugh.
Doubt it, there are what, like a million Daves out there. That's why I threw down a real name, there are so many Daves in the world, it's still pretty anonymous.
What's strange is that this one does this again and again with women, but then he stays in contact with them/us, I'm pretty sure many of them are his friends on social media, like even after they move on, get married, etc. Once in a blue moon I get a message asking how I'm doing or whatever. Every several months. Someone once suggested he was checking his prior conquests in hopes of getting laid again, but I don't think so. There were times (a while back) I still would have been down to hook up with him and he always pulled the whole "we should get together soon" and then nothing. I think maybe he's got some need to know that women don't hate him for his player tendencies.
And in fact I really do not. Because I learned a lot from that little fling, and because I look back and realize that while he could have been more upfront with me, sure, I really had no idea what I wanted or was trying to do either, and most of the negative feelings I had as he started flaking out on me, were my own doing. I got too attached too quick, and I made myself a bit crazy. I really don't think there's anything morally wrong with just wanting a FB/FWB thing and not a "Relationship" and I know that most people don't negotiate in good faith what they need and want in honest ways. They play games.
As a woman who likes to be very "sex positive" and all, I hate to agree with AprilFlowers on something like this, but the relationship that has worked out best for me was the one where we took a couple of months to get to know each other before we had sex, and more importantly we took our time in forming serious emotional attachments to each other. We played it cool for a while, and let the thing grow, so by the time we had feelings, and were dealing with the rollercoaster of vulnerability and all, we knew and cared about one another enough to have patience and kindness to each other through that crazyish stuff. I think that mismatches where one person is "OMG in love!" and the other is "meh" probably often come about from a ~too much, too soon~ place.
A million Dave's indeed- but it sure sounds like something I did once....... too much sex too fast. So I flaked. Which means we've probably all done it at one time or another for no real reason than we are human.
A million Dave's indeed- but it sure sounds like something I did once....... too much sex too fast. So I flaked. Which means we've probably all done it at one time or another for no real reason than we are human.
Certainly.
Do you have a worm farm in your basement? If you don't, then you're probably not the Dave I knew.
Anyhow I don't hold it against him. Not everything has to last forever or evolve into a serious relationship thing. I think we both could have handled stuff more gracefully than we did...communication, in particular...but it's all good. Had some good times, got some good memories, learned some stuff about myself, no harm done!
Location: In the cold, dark wasteland of eternity...
926 posts, read 673,709 times
Reputation: 1525
Quote:
Originally Posted by RbccL
With all due respect you're saying: "even though some guys do want to have sex"... it's a test? You're dismissing the part where some women also enjoy having sex. They aren't using it as a bargaining chip, or doing something they don't enjoy, hoping to get something else out of the deal.
Oh, I know (and realize) that some women enjoy having sex and that some of them have sex very soon after they begin dating a guy, which is their prerogative...and there's nothing wrong with that as their decisions don't affect me at all. I was just explaining to her that some guys wait to see how soon a woman will have sex with them and how some guys will judge a woman based on that - and that maybe this might be what's happening with the guy she's talking about. Some guys will ghost a woman if she has sex with them right away, and alternatively, other guys will ghost a woman if she doesn't have sex with them soon enough.
Quote:
Seriously all men don't leave because you have sex with them. Some of them you can't get rid of afterwards, if you decide you don't want a long-term relationship with them- sometimes the sex is okay, or even great, but they're not the kind of guy you're ultimately looking for.
I didn't say all guys, I said some guys will ghost or leave a woman if she has sex with them right away.
Quote:
I'm glad I've experienced enough situations where I don't feel this sense of "shame and rules" about whether or not I have sex with somebody. I'm beginning to think though too, that maybe some women don't actually enjoy sex, so they don't know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, women shouldn't feel any shame at all or feel like they have to adhere to some rule about how soon they can have sex with a guy - when guys don't ever feel that way. I think you're probably right in that there are some women who don't even enjoy sex, so they wouldn't understand where you're coming from.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
