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I've known men who tried to be stay at home Dads who basically lost it, and couldn't handle doing it, because they felt so emasculated and purposeless. Those whose identities as the breadwinners were so entrenched that, deprived of that status, they could barely function, falling into addictions and other escapist behaviors, and severe depression. They did not step up and take pride in the job, and do well in it. And if/when their wives were SAHM's, they considered them unequal. Inferior.
Then I have also, rarely, known men who DID truly step up, take pride in the job, and do it well and thrive in the role. I applaud those men.
I've been a SAHM before, and it was far, far harder work than any of the office jobs I have ever had. When one comes home after a day of work, one often feels entitled to relax, enjoy being home. When one is a dedicated SAHP, one never stops working. It is not easy, when it's done right.
Is it the "toxic masculinity" side of the concept called "patriarchy" if a man feels so very diminished by being a SAHP and instead of making the most of it, lets it make the least of him?
What about men in 2 income households who earn less than the wife? I hear some men struggle with that, too. The feminists I know would say that all of this discomfort with deviation from their expected roles is because of the patriarchy.
I don't know. I don't tend to like these divisive terms. I understand them, I've heard it enough, but I don't always agree.
As for SAHM, well...in a perfect world, a couple would simply discuss what they want to do and make some sort of an agreement in which everyone can be happy, and no one is forced into anything or treated as an inferior. I mean. Unless they enjoy being treated as an inferior, like...whatever flutters yer apron I guess. *shrug*
Someone has to take care of the kids, whether it's the mom, the dad, or a babysitter. Choosing which way to go is up to the family. If one parent chooses to stay home, that's their business.
This is much different from the old patriarchy scenario of "keep her barefoot and pregnant", where the man worked and kept the woman under his thumb while she waited on him hand and foot because she was trapped there and couldn't support herself. Those were the days.
Maybe I'm hanging around the wrong crowd but most stay at home wives that I've known (mostly in my family) end up being depressed, defeated, and isolated after staying at home for a long time, usually well after their kids have become old enough to not require constant care. They were optimistic people with big dreams before staying at home to care for kids but after that, they just can't seem to pull themselves out of the funk and resume their careers and they end up feeling depressed having to depend on their husbands for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately this toxicity affects everyone including the husband and kids which is why I'm against having a SAHW at least for the long run.
I think it might have been in the past. I think nowadays it's probably considered more of a luxury if a wife/mother or the man for that mattter can stay home with the kids. It's tough to make it on one income these days.
It IS hard to resume careers. Technology passes you by. And it IS hard to be a stay at home parent...man or woman. You're more isolated than you used to be, you can not come and go as you please, you talk a lot of baby talk, and crave grownup conversations. It's better if one can get with like minded parent groups, but that can't work for everyone.
Maybe I'm hanging around the wrong crowd but most stay at home wives that I've known (mostly in my family) end up being depressed, defeated, and isolated after staying at home for a long time, usually well after their kids have become old enough to not require constant care. They were optimistic people with big dreams before staying at home to care for kids but after that, they just can't seem to pull themselves out of the funk and resume their careers and they end up feeling depressed having to depend on their husbands for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately this toxicity affects everyone including the husband and kids which is why I'm against having a SAHW at least for the long run.
That was me. Largely because I undervalued my contribution to the household by being home for 12 years. It wasn't until I went back to work full time that I realized how much easier it made things for the whole family when I was home.
Please understand I am not busting on you but I'm just really curious.
Didn't you know before you had a baby that this would be the case?
I didn't. Before and after baby were two different stories, for me anyway. I had every intention of taking my six weeks off and going back to work. I went back to work, sat at my desk and cried. It's hard to work like that. I wasnt the one pushing for kids, I had never even babysat. I looked around me and decided even though I had no experience I could do at least as good of a job as some of the other parents I saw. Once she was born, everything changed.
My husband and I did some brainstorming and found a low cost of living area where he could do the same kind of work, get paid the same, so that we could easily afford for one of us to stay home, and that would be me. For 12 years. There were only 2 people who's opinions mattered.
I will never ever look back and regret having spent so much time with that baby!
I think it might have been in the past. I think nowadays it's probably considered more of a luxury if a wife/mother or the man for that mattter can stay home with the kids. It's tough to make it on one income these days.
My wife has stayed home and our son is 8. She has started substitute teaching at my son's district to bring in a little cash, and we figure she might go back to work when he is nearing middle school.
First thing's first. Avoid the use of 'patriarchy' in a sentence because it smacks of an agenda in search of proof.
Second thing. The term 'patriarchy' really doesn't apply to the practical needs of a relationship where the mom wants to stay home. There are lots of practical reasons for doing so. But the expense is the primary reason. My wife was an executive in a Fortune 500. But once our second came along, she was practically working to pay for daycare, her business attire, and her lunches every day. Better to stay at home with the kids and keep the household running smoothly (And with a lot less stress). We didn't have to tighten our belts that much to make it work.
I could imagine what my wife would have said had I offered, "But, Honey, you need to keep working because, otherwise, you are upholding the outmoded patriarchial archetypes of society." Right before she clocked me upside the head with a skillet.
At the same time, once the last kiddo starts school, the stay-at-home parent has the easiest gig on the planet. Do not let a SAHM kid you on this subject. Unless the kids have some kind of medical issue that requires round-the-clock attention, it becomes a snap if you've done a decent job teaching them to do their homework and chores.
Before the lynch mob appears, I have worked from home for the past 17 years and functioned as the SAHD. I took kids to and from school, did the chores, cleaned house, ran the kiddos to the doctor, soccer practice, baseball practice, volleyball practice, Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, church activities, and still put a hot meal on the table most nights. What's more, I managed to do all that while still equalling my wife's income. But if I didn't work, I would have been bored out of my mind.
In truth, OP, it is typically an unwise, naive idea to try to inject political language into describing or managing any relationship. The most healthy ones operate without it.
Last edited by MinivanDriver; 10-24-2017 at 02:57 PM..
My wife has stayed home and our son is 8. She has started substitute teaching at my son's district to bring in a little cash, and we figure she might go back to work when he is nearing middle school.
It's a sacrifice for sure, but well worth it.
Solid plan.
It's great that during those early formative years that she was home for him. I know it's not always possible. I just cringe when I think about a young couple having to go back to work so soon and some stranger taking care of an infant. Rough, but sometimes you don't have family able to help as much, for whatever reason.
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