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Except that that doesn't mean the same type of thing wouldn't happen in the next and next unless she realizes she doesn't have to let this type of thing continue.
It's true that you can't change another person but you CAN change how you react which effectively can change the other person once they realize the 'same old' same old' doesn't work anymore.
If they then still don't catch on and change, then it is time to walk.
Too many couples play the same game, over and over and over without understanding that if you change the rules, the game might change and the outcome might be different.
Perhaps. But the point here is that the boyfriend is an emotional abuser, a bully. And the only way to deal with bullies is through strength. Sadly, she didn't seem to demand better treatment from the beginning, which set the tone for how the a-hole would treat her over the past three years. What she needs to know is that is a form a violence. No, it doesn't physically hurt the way a fist would, but the wounds are just as tangible.
I've been married 27 years. I have never called my wife a name. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy, so I think I've actually lost my cool with her three times. And I've certainly never behaved in the ways this woman describes as her daily life. So I have a really hard time understanding people who behave like this--or the people who allow it in their lives.
Perhaps. But the point here is that the boyfriend is an emotional abuser, a bully. And the only way to deal with bullies is through strength. Sadly, she didn't seem to demand better treatment from the beginning, which set the tone for how the a-hole would treat her over the past three years. What she needs to know is that is a form a violence. No, it doesn't physically hurt the way a fist would, but the wounds are just as tangible.
I've been married 27 years. I have never called my wife a name. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy, so I think I've actually lost my cool with her three times. And I've certainly never behaved in the ways this woman describes as her daily life. So I have a really hard time understanding people who behave like this--or the people who allow it in their lives.
That's the main point, isn't it? And that it is her that needs to change so it doesn't just become a pattern in her life.
Perhaps. But the point here is that the boyfriend is an emotional abuser, a bully. And the only way to deal with bullies is through strength. Sadly, she didn't seem to demand better treatment from the beginning, which set the tone for how the a-hole would treat her over the past three years. What she needs to know is that is a form a violence. No, it doesn't physically hurt the way a fist would, but the wounds are just as tangible.
I've been married 27 years. I have never called my wife a name. I'm a pretty mild-mannered guy, so I think I've actually lost my cool with her three times. And I've certainly never behaved in the ways this woman describes as her daily life. So I have a really hard time understanding people who behave like this--or the people who allow it in their lives.
^ This is the thing. People are saying it's the OP's fault for not stopping the nastiness and name-calling and so on...as if the natural default for men is to be abusive "unless" a "foot is put down". That's just not true..and what an awful way to view men.
How about getting together with a guy who doesn't default to abusiveness in the first place? Isn't that a problem all by itself? Not that she didn't somehow handle his abusiveness correctly?
My boyfriend and have been dating for nearly ~3 years and I've noticed something about him that I have no explanation for but am also really unhappy with and am not sure what to do.
If my boyfriend is in the middle of something important, or something he's focusing on or pretty much anything he doesn't understand (i.e having to repeat himself) then he becomes very short tempered, angry and lashes out.
For example, tonight he was playing a video game and he turned around to talk to me, but he couldn't hear what I was saying. He become annoyed that he couldn't hear so I texted him. Then when he turned around again I tried pointing at my phone (to signal I had texted him) but he started abruptly shouting "I can't fing hear you, I'm the middle of something. You're so fing annoying." I don't understand why he gets so irate with me but I immediately want to cry. He doesn't seem to see his behavior as an issue and usually just blames me for being angry because his behavior makes me so upset I don't know what to do. His behavior really makes me question my relationship with him because I find it incredibly hurtful, unhelpful, mean spirited and disrespectful. What makes it worse is that we live with friends, and I'm pretty sure they hear him loudly scolding me and it's embarrassing.
Lately I feel sometimes that I should only prompt him when promoted first, so that I won't be yelled at or spoken down to.
My boyfriend usually shows this behavior about 1 time a week on average. It has a pattern of behavior and a lot of it repeats itself. I always ask myself why this is happen and he promises he'll "try to change" but it just happens again and again.
Tell him it is not acceptable. it is not the way you want him to communicate with you. You need to come to an understanding of what annoys him. If it is unreasonable then he needs to figure out how to respond in a way that is polite and respectful. How would he like you to respond to him when you are annoyed.
This pattern will not change and will only get worse if you do not insist that he needs to communicate with with respect and courtesy. If he does not understand that then describe how he needs to talk to you that does not make you cry.
She needs to understand why she would pick (she said there were always red flags) and stay with such a person.
She doesn't need to understand "him" to the point of reading a whole book about it...meanwhile delaying her departure. She's not his therapist. She's his victim.
She doesn't need to understand more about him. She needs to understand more about her. But first and foremost she needs to leave this situation.
The time invested, among other things, is one major factor in people staying in awful, abusive relationships. It's just one more anchor. She shouldn't be thinking of it that way, or perhaps she'll let it go on indefinitely. And then it'll be, well, she's invested 4 years...5...well, now she's had a kid with him...and a few black eyes...but now it's been 6 years...10...NOW what is she going to do, she's older, she's tired, she has these kids, she can't feed them by herself, how can she go now...and on and on...There are no limits on this sort of thing except those imposed by the person who NOW, before there are kids or marriage or some other anchor, has the opportunity to realize how bad a situation she's in, and leave.
Definitely not delaying her departure. But understanding what is going on may help her get closure - but she must surely move on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Ding ding ding ding ding! The Golden Buzzer is showering gold confetti down on JerZ!
She needs to understand herself better, once she's safely away from this potential abuser, She's said she's already afraid he could become abusive toward her (more than just verbally). She should't be sitting around reading about him, she should be leaving.
No man should be treating the woman he loves (or anyone else) that way this man (and I use the term 'man' loosely here) is treating her!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
... People are saying it's the OP's fault for not stopping the nastiness and name-calling and so on...as if the natural default for men is to be abusive "unless" a "foot is put down". That's just not true..and what an awful way to view men.
How about getting together with a guy who doesn't default to abusiveness in the first place? Isn't that a problem all by itself? Not that she didn't somehow handle his abusiveness correctly?
My boyfriend usually shows this behavior about 1 time a week on average. It has a pattern of behavior and a lot of it repeats itself. I always ask myself why this is happen and he promises he'll "try to change" but it just happens again and again.
He's had similar outbursts when I couldn't decide what we were going to watch on the T.V. His behavior is not acceptable.
Exactly. So at some point it is no longer about him, and it's about why you stay.
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Next time he does that, leave (go for a walk, a ride, a movie, a hotel)
And the time after that, leave (same as above).
If he doesn't stop, pack up for good and get out.
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