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Have you ever moved into a home your significant other owns? How did you make it feel like it was your home?
My fiancé walks around constantly harping on the fact that this is my house, my responsibility and not his home. Today he actually said “if this is my home, the rules would be different”.
This is a common issue I have found. I use the phrase “our home” when I speak. I don’t know how to make him feel better. It has been almost 4 years.
I honestly don't know what you want us to say this time to make this situation palatable.
I made room for my significant other, and he has made himself at home, but he's also not passive-aggressive and wouldn't say something like, "If this were my home, the rules would be different."
I would say, "if you want to change something, speak up."
Have you ever moved into a home your significant other owns? How did you make it feel like it was your home?
My fiancé walks around constantly harping on the fact that this is my house, my responsibility and not his home. Today he actually said “if this is my home, the rules would be different”.
This is a common issue I have found. I use the phrase “our home” when I speak. I don’t know how to make him feel better. It has been almost 4 years.
When I moved in with my former husband after our engagement, I felt as if it was home within a few weeks.
What helped with making it feel like home physically was combining our things as harmoniously as possible (the contents of my former two-bedroom apartment had a new life in the upstairs bedrooms, bathroom, and loft), choosing to buy a few new items together (for both house and yard), and arranging our things--both new and old, his, mine, and ours--in a manner that was pleasing to both of us. Our tastes were bit different in some areas, but overall, we made it work. (It helped that he had a good eye for design!)
What helped to make it feel like a home emotionally was doing household tasks together or dividing them in a somewhat equitable manner. For example, he did the lawn mowing and I did the gardening/flower beds. He paid the mortgage and I paid the property taxes and "operating expenses" such utilities and most groceries. I'd wash and he'd fold. I'd dust and he'd vacuum. I could go on, but surely you get the point on this one. If there was one task that he enjoyed doing and I disliked such as mowing (I hated it, but he loved doing it and vice versa on gardening/weeding)we'd simply do the task that pleased us, although if necessary, we would switch roles as part of sharing a space is sharing household chores.
We didn't have any "rules" per se. Things seemed to naturally fall into place, but I'm guessing that this happened for us because we'd had a very similar upbringing and we were older when we married so we already were used to and enjoyed managing a household on our own.
I honestly don't know what you want us to say this time to make this situation palatable.
I made room for my significant other, and he has made himself at home, but he's also not passive-aggressive and wouldn't say something like, "If this were my home, the rules would be different."
I would say, "if you want to change something, speak up."
How did you make room?
I purchased a new bedroom set and all new linens. I cleared two closets for only his items. He didn’t have furniture to bring. But all his kitchen stuff that was not broke, I made room for it. He brought all his pictures of his past relationships and family. He took over my garage.
I don’t know what more I can do to make him feel like it is his place also. He doesn’t want to buy anything for the home jointly.
When I moved in with my former husband after our engagement, I felt as if it was home within a few weeks.
What helped with making it feel like home physically was combining our things as harmoniously as possible (the contents of my former two-bedroom apartment had a new life in the upstairs bedrooms, bathroom, and loft), choosing to buy a few new items together (for both house and yard), and arranging our things--both new and old, his, mine, and ours--in a manner that was pleasing to both of us. Our tastes were bit different in some areas, but overall, we made it work. (It helped that he had a good eye for design!)
What helped to make it feel like a home emotionally was doing household tasks together or dividing them in a somewhat equitable manner. For example, he did the lawn mowing and I did the gardening/flower beds. He paid the mortgage and I paid the property taxes and "operating expenses" such utilities and most groceries. I'd wash and he'd fold. I'd dust and he'd vacuum. I could go on, but surely you get the point on this one.
We didn't have any "rules" per se. Things seemed to naturally fall into place, but I'm guessing that this happened for us because we'd had a very similar upbringing and we were older when we married so we already were used to and enjoyed managing a household on our own.
I have offered to have him pay some of the household bills. He wants nothing to do with that. He agreed to just give me a set amount monthly, which happens every few months of if I ask on payday.
He will mow the grass but not really willing to help more. He works long hours so I and my teenager do all the housework.
I have offered to have him pay some of the household bills. He wants nothing to do with that. He agreed to just give me a set amount monthly, which happens every few months of if I ask on payday.
He will mow the grass but not really willing to help more. He works long hours so I and my teenager do all the housework.
To lend some clarity to your situation, may I ask what your fiancé's living situation was prior to moving in with you? I ask because how someone manages a household and bills on their own (or with roommates or family) is very telling as to how they are going to continue to live once you share a space with them. It's difficult at best to change a person's long-ingrained habits once you're under the same roof.
If he's only contributing financially sporadically at best (which is what I'm gathering from the above post) and is barely willing to pitch in with household tasks, is this truly a man to whom you'd want to be legally bound? (Working long hours is not an excuse to help out around the house, garage, and yard. I often work long hours as did my former husband as do many of my friends and acquaintances and we still manage to get "house things" done. In fact, it's easier when everyone does their bit.)
To lend some clarity to your situation, may I ask what your fiancé's living situation was prior to moving in with you? I ask because how someone manages a household and bills on their own (or with roommates or family) is very telling as to how they are going to continue to live once you share a space with them. It's difficult at best to change a person's long-ingrained habits once you're under the same roof.
If he's only contributing financially sporadically at best (which is what I'm gathering from the above post) and is barely willing to pitch in with household tasks, is this truly a man to whom you'd want to be legally bound? (Working long hours is not an excuse to help out around the house, garage, and yard. I often work long hours as did my former husband as do many of my friends and acquaintances and we still manage to get "house things" done. In fact, it's easier when everyone does their bit.)
He rented his own apartment in a run down building. He paid rent but I think all utilities were included, with the exception of cable and internet. He just didn’t have them.
I only saw his apartment when he was almost done cleaning it out. It had sat almost a year at that point because he had been in my house.
This seems like one of his contributing issues that is making him a very miserable person. And yes if this continues, he will be finding somewhere else to live.
He views everything separately. Nothing is joint to him. My house, my kids, my pets...
He has been feeding the animals forever. His new thing is to not. And he stands in the room and talks to the dog “oh your bowl is empty? That is terrible.” Ok dude, I will feed the dog.
Last edited by LowonLuck; 01-01-2019 at 02:12 PM..
He views everything separately. Nothing is joint to him. My house, my kids, my pets...
He has been feeding the animals forever. His knee thing is to not. And he stands in the room and talks to the dog “oh your bowl is empty? That is terrible.” Ok dude, I will feed the dog.
Why would you want to live with a person who behaves in such a passive-agressive manner, let alone be engaged to be married to him?
Your house is never going to feel like home for him as it seems as though he has neither physically nor financially nor emotional connected with it even after four years of living under its roof with you and your family.
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