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I'd want to know as soon as possible. If he thinks kink is more important than getting the relationship off the ground or if it becomes all about the kink, it's not the start of anything good. I'm all for kink if it gets introduced later on as something we decide to do but not because the other person has to have it. If it's a requirement, please tell me now so I can get out.
This is interesting to me because it's got parallels with other concepts I've been thinking and talking about recently.
(Though I must add the caveat: "It's not the start of anything good"...for YOU. It really has been, for me. I met the love of my life through the kink scene, we're very happy together. Just because you have compatible kinks and it's one of many reasons you're a great match, doesn't mean that's all you can ever be together, we are a great team and love one another very deeply.)
I feel kind of this way about marriage, for instance. I felt like a person who has a goal oriented approach to dating where it was a matter of "I have this picture in my mind, of me, a cardboard cutout of an attractive female, a dog, a house in the suburbs, that's my happily ever after and I'm interviewing for the position." That felt rather...forced? Like if we're strangers, we just met, how would I know, even assuming I was hypothetically willing to be part of a picture that looked like that with someone, that I'd be willing to do that with THIS person? Seemed like a lot of pressure to put on a new connection.
It's not that the possibility of marriage was a hard no for me, but I don't even want to think about it for at least the first year or more.
Of course, not having or raising any more children is a concrete requirement for me, so that's another bit of negotiation best out of the way early, as a man who felt strongly that he wanted a woman in his life to have his babies, or raise children he's already got, would have been a no-go where I'm concerned.
But maybe it's the same in a way. If you know yourself well enough to know that you have these goals or what the life you want looks like, and you don't want to be anything different in some way, it would be key to compatibility that your date was willing to at least consider being on board, before you got too serious and any disconnects in needs became serious problems.
I don't have any significant need to be married. But having that as a high priority has to be far more common in the general population, than having a need for kink in one's relationship is. I would think.
There are all sorts of things in our lives that we might hold fast to, that are important to us...those are the kinds of things in general that should be discussed early-ish.
I would think - if they say "no" - would that be a deal breaker for you.
I think that unless what you want is REALLY weird... Or, if you just cannot do anything without always incorporating your kink - it would be best to wait a few months. When the other person is comfortable with you, and you have some report - THEN you can say what you would like to do.
I'd think the other person would be willing to try once they know you a while and can tell that you aren't some weird person (in their eyes)
Yeah...to me, that would seem to be the bigger issue. Because to me, I don't know if I want to go beyond my comfort zone, unless I really really really TRUST my partner. And that's going to take a bit of time, and invested energy, etc.
What point in a relationship? Hmm. I think a person should just playful find a whip in a store and pick it up and say to your partner, ‘Have you been bad?†Then a playful slap on your hand should allow them to respond.
That’s how I would approach it. Sitting down and discussing it like balancing a check book doesn’t work for me.
Yes exactly. Don't be all weird about it, just do something normal and playful like this.
What's funny is, a LOT of people say they're "not kinky" and not open to things like this. It's interesting how minds seem to quickly change once they're into the person.
One of the last guys I dated specifically told me when we were first getting to know each other that he'd NEVER do a certain sex act. Like, he made a point to tell me.
Guess who requested that exact sex act a few weeks later?
It's possible he was just testing me. Maybe he said it to see what I'd say.
Anyway, my point is just that I generally don't like to discuss this stuff before already building a sexual connection to someone because I've found the sexual connection often changes someone's mind. You'd be amazed what people will be open to when they're turned on and wanting to please you.
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