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I steer away from people going through relationship breakdown, separation or divorce.
They need time to reflect and heal, even if they think they need to be in another relationship right away.
Jumping from one relationship to another without even taking a time to think what's just happened and why, is a sure recipe for another unhappy encounter. I am definitely not going to be a part of it and strongly advise others against it.
Even if someone's been separated for 1 or 2 years and it's only a matter of paperwork being processed, you wouldn't date them?
Even if someone's been separated for 1 or 2 years and it's only a matter of paperwork being processed, you wouldn't date them?
If the ‘paperwork’ is taking 1 to 2 years to ‘process’, it most likely means there have been issues involved that have been taking time to resolve - whether it be related to child custody, finances, etc. Emotionally it takes time to heal from a divorce and doesn’t typically automatically disappear the day one person moves out. It’s especially true the longer one has been married. Of course, it’s a case by case basis on how emotionally ‘ready’ one feels someone is - but generally speaking, it’s not a good idea to build a new relationship on top of the dwindling remains of another - and if the person is in the process of a divorce (especially a long and drawn out one), it’s not likely he or she has had time to heal or be ready to jump into dating. A little time and space has a way of making a big difference.
I was legally separated but not officially divorced when I met my wife. Seven years later, we are now happily married (coming up on 4 years) and we have two kids.
My wife was not my first relationship after I got separated, though.
Every situation is different. My divorce was just final 10 days ago. I filed in September 2018. I didn't fight about anything and I walked away with nothing for many reasons. It comes down to my happiness was worth more than money. I was not happy for the last 5 years of my marriage and my heart moved long before my body left the house when I finally walked out on Sept 2nd. My reason for not doing it sooner is fear of many things. Running into an old friend of mine from 35 years ago made me realize I had to swallow that fear and do something about my situation before I got any older. That old friend of mine turned out to now be my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier! He was there for me when I was tearful and all of that but he knows he is not a rebound relationship. Looking back now these last few months made me realize he just came along at the perfect time and gave me the courage to take that leap of faith in myself.
So, everyone has there own story. I would not want to meet someone who is the middle of a messy divorce with young children and all. That would be very stressful for sure.
Good luck on your future
I was with my ex husband when he went through his divorce with his second wife. He assured my 18 year old (clueless) self that the marriage was ending, but he was cheating on her with me and left her for me, and I knew that. The marriage was indeed a mess and they were both ready for it to be over. I think she was glad to have me to take him off her hands. She wanted him out of her life, but was afraid of whether he could cope on his own. For good reason. There was no hint of either of them not being "over it" (the relationship) at that point, or possibly getting back together. They were both very much DONE. But there were a myriad of other red flags I was choosing to ignore at the time because yeah...young and stupid.
And no, he never (to my knowledge or belief) cheated on me. So people who say "if they cheated with you, they'll cheat on you"... I don't necessarily believe that always applies. I was not caught up in much by way of legal stuff or whatever, but he did come to my life with a ton of debt. His life was a wreck. We were in the struggle together.
I guess what I'm saying is, the most common reasons people have for advising against being with a divorcing person, had nothing to do with why being with this guy was the worst mistake I would ever make. But I'll tell you this... If someone's ex tries to warn you about what you're getting into, it should really give you pause. I thought she was speaking out of bitterness. No. She knew this man. She saw an 18 year old kid getting mixed up in his crazy and she, not being a monster, was concerned for me.
Later at age 36 when my marriage ended... Well let's just say that for me, being non-religious, like the legal document and status is not that important to the RELATIONSHIP. We lived like married people, and I thought of him at that level of commitment, for 10 years before we made it legal, and when we did, it changed nothing in terms of how I felt about the relationship. I was not more likely to cheat or leave before we signed the papers, or less likely to after. I felt the same. So when we broke up, there was less than 24 hours where reconciliation would even have been possible. Because the next day's dramatic production starred a loaded gun, literally, so after that...there was no going back. The legal divorce was not complete, as we wrapped up technicalities, for another year and a half, but we were most definitely not together anymore. We both got out into the dating game.
I feel fine about my decision to date after the breakup but before the divorce, but I was not building any life-bond type relationships, I was dating in a relatively casual way. I believed that before deeply committing and entangling my life with someone new, I wanted all old business concluded, and I wanted time (at least a year) living on my own to reset myself, to feel confident that I was making good choices. And I am glad that I dated, because the people I dated were very supportive to me. Their moral support really helped me get through it. I met the man I later ended up being more committed to during that time, and we just kept our roll slow in terms of relationship escalation. Others that I dated ended up being the kind of friends who are nearly family, a couple of them, even after our relationships ended.
But I know I had a lot of drama, financial issues, and uncertainties. I talked about my ex a lot. I used to say, "I wouldn't date me" and it was true. I would not have dated someone in my own situation. But I'm grateful to those who did.
Thanks to all who've responded. I've literally have learned something from every post.
The update: Since I've started this thread, the mediation (it took several to get to this point) is over. The divorce has finally been agreed to by both parties. He said the legal decree granting their free status should be received in the mail within the next two weeks. How do I feel? Believe it or not, I'm experiencing a mix of emotions sometimes going from one extreme to the other. I've been encouraged by a few posters that it's not all doom, gloom, and relationship failure dating someone going through a divorce. However, those persons are few and far in between. It seems that the majority needed time, at least a year, before they were ready to date and marry again. I've noticed he's more pensive, quiet, and moody. That's to be expected, in my opinion. I don't ask questions, I let him share with me whatever he chooses of his own volition. One thing I've always liked about him is his honesty - even when it was things that I didn't want to hear. I respect the fact that he was not lying about the divorce happening.
On the other than, all I can say is, never again. I will ask to see the divorce decree up front or the man can keep walking to the next woman for all I care. This situation has put me on a wave of emotions of sorts, too. Over the course of a day, I go from one of these feelings to the other:
- Sadness about a failed marriage even though it wasn't my marriage. I can't imagine what they must be going through. I think of my saddest break up and then remember being told a broken marriage is worse than any relationship breakup.
- Annoyance that he contacted me while he was in the midst of this process instead of year after it was over.
- Mixed feelings regarding whether I should pull back from him and let our friendship die a quiet, slow death out of concern that he needs time to deal with the psychological aftermath of divorce - at least a year seems to be the consensus. He hasn't said this to me but the finalization of the divorce literally just happened so he may not be sure himself at this juncture what he needs.
- Concern for him. If it were me, I'd definitely want support of someone that I could potentially see a future with. I care about him to NOT want to abandon him but by that same token, I'm thinking but where does this put me? Being there for a friend is important but being unable to start building a good foundation for a relationship comprised of two emotionally healthy people, is where this puts me.
- Feeling awkward when talking to him because of not knowing what to say and not wanting to say the wrong thing. (Ex: "Oh, I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work out, bless your heart" or "Excellent! Now that's out of the way - you & I can get on with our life together".) Not wanting to seem insensitive or indifferent toward the situation at this delicate time.
- Not wanting him to think that I "feel sorry for him" even though I do. Most men I know hate being pitied especially by a woman they're attracted to and want a relationship with.
- To be honest, now that the decree is finalized, he may realize that he's not ready for a relationship at this time and rethinking everything he's been through in his marriage. Guess it remains to be seen.
I guess what I'm saying is, the most common reasons people have for advising against being with a divorcing person, had nothing to do with why being with this guy was the worst mistake I would ever make. But I'll tell you this... If someone's ex tries to warn you about what you're getting into, it should really give you pause. I thought she was speaking out of bitterness. No. She knew this man. She saw an 18 year old kid getting mixed up in his crazy and she, not being a monster, was concerned for me.
I feel fine about my decision to date after the breakup but before the divorce, but I was not building any life-bond type relationships, I was dating in a relatively casual way. I believed that before deeply committing and entangling my life with someone new, I wanted all old business concluded, and I wanted time (at least a year) living on my own to reset myself, to feel confident that I was making good choices..."I wouldn't date me" and it was true. I would not have dated someone in my own situation. But I'm grateful to those who did.
Sonic Spork & others that had similar experiences,
I think one of the differences that I've noticed between men and women going through this separation-divorce is that the men (or at least the man in my case) was dating from the moment he made up in his mind his marriage was over even though no paperwork had been filed. Women tend to take time after the breakup of a marriage to be alone for a year(s) but men date before, during, and after the divorce. Having been dating all that time, it's possible they don't need anymore extended time to find themselves or heal as they'd already moved long before the ink was dry on the divorce decree. I admit this doesn't apply to every man. There is a scripture in the Bible in Genesis that says "it's not good for man to be alone..." and men seem to take this to heart as most generally don't stay alone for long after the end of a relationship or marriage. Often they remarry much sooner than the ex-wife. Of course I'm speaking in generalities - I realize there are exceptions on both sides.
As far as the ex giving a warning, yes it's likely wise to at least listen But, I've seen it work the other way as well. I've seen when a woman (live-in GF) couldn't get him (the BF) to stay, she warns the young newbie about his bad traits. It was in the vein of "it I can't have him then I'll ruin his reputation to the next woman". Meanwhile, she was desperately trying every trick in the book to get him back - bad traits and all.
Even if someone's been separated for 1 or 2 years and it's only a matter of paperwork being processed, you wouldn't date them?
Yes. If they want to start new relationship, they should first finish the previous one.
If this is "only matter of paperwork" then get it done. I don't get involved with people who's personal life is still unfinished mess.
Yes. If they want to start new relationship, they should first finish the previous one.
If this is "only matter of paperwork" then get it done. I don't get involved with people who's personal life is still unfinished mess.
Yeah, to be honest, I think I blew it with a woman because I was dating her, but was on the fence about continuing it after finding out more about her divorce processing situation. She said she wanted no lawyers involved, wanted to do the paperwork up with her husband. She'd always drive to see me at my place, but would refuse to let me come over. Her husband was a bit unstable, and it made me nervous. I asked that we take a break until the divorce was final and she thought that was just plain crazy because it was her husband that left her a year prior. She thought it was only a matter of paperwork. So she wasn't willing to wait a couple of months until it was final, and in a month she found someone else and now she's with him.
Obviously, HE didn't give a crap about her pending divorce, so I've always wondered if I was really making too much of a big deal about it, because he didn't care.
That's just it, I feel that it was a missed opportunity, because there's ALWAYS some dude that will take a guy's place if said guy (me) was not good with the whole "dating while separated" thing. To her and him, marriage was a state of mind, and the paperwork was irrelevant. Believe you me, there are dudes out there that could give a rats behind. I guess they don't have the ethics we do, Elnina?
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Thanks to everyone
