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My only public words here are, yes people can change. Not a large majority but the rare few.
My ex was abusuve, I only put up with it 4 years, fear kept me with him, then my protective instinct for my children got stronger than the fear. It took him 20 or so years, but he quit drinking and my daughter who did not grow up with a lot of his attention has told me he is not the same person I knew 30 plus years ago. Ex and I have talked and emailed and are what I would call friends now. He's happily married and I am happy for him. I am thrilled that his past did not kill his future with his children and his grand children.
I'm not saying this situation will work or not work. No one should have to suffer abuse EVER. I for one will keep this family in prayer, after all there is nothing else I can do.
Sometimes, negative events in our lives are blocked out or we have been in denial that anything was ever wrong but then something triggers those events. For many, having children brings it all back. My husband always told me before we married that he had a great childhood with very loving parents but after we had our child and faced difficulties, the "fog" began to clear. The same thing happened to me only we were not physically violent with each other. We are still together after 16 years because we love each other and realize we all have stuff in our lives we either dealt with or didn't. That isn't something you necessary bring up before you marry, especially trying to predict what you will do if one of you becomes physical after you are married. What she did or didn't discuss before doesn't help her decide what to do NOW. She needs to work on the present not what she should have done in the past.
no just joking! It seems to me that you are already living your life on your own, why not be alone. You are a woman and we are strong, remember that always. Do you really want to spen your future with someone who is going to try to make them misrable.
To the OP. You entitled this post, "My husband is killing me." Now if someone was killing me, my first instinct would be to run. No, it's not always easy but in my case I am a much happier person that I got out of the situation that I was in (no physical stuff, just mind games, manipulation, beating down my self esteem). This person was a minister and ppl had no idea what he was like behind closed doors. We were married for 3 1/2 yrs, been divorced for 4. I still suffer from how this man treated me.
I have been with my husband for 9 years, although he is not physically abusive he is the worst verbal, mental abuser I have ever known.
He is constantly putting me down, accusing me of things that are not true. Keeps telling me I do not want his son around, which is totally false, I love his son, it is him I can't deal with when his son is around. He has no clue how to be a good Father, yet he wants to put me down about my Mothering skills.
I admit I have made major mistakes with my daughter, but I am now trying to mend, those and change my ways. I am a recovering alcoholic and have in the past made some bad judgement calls which hurt my daughter.
I tried to commit suicide in Feb. of this year and since then have had a new awakening. I have quit drinking, got back on my bipolar meds and started college.
My husband just beats me down about things I did in the past while I was drinking. That is not who I am anymore, and I have apologized and am trying my best to make ammends. I cannot take back the past, or my past behavior. All I can do is try to be a better me, which I think I am. I have accepted responsibility for my actions in the past but he says I have not.
His son is here now visiting and it is like as long as he has someone to fall back on he does not need me and he verbally abuses me. He starts cutting me down tonight about things I did in the past and tells me he does not like who I am, and how I have changed and I am not the same. Then decides he does not want me to make him, or his son dinner and that they are going out. They then leave me behind.
I am a better person than I was because I am on my meds and not drinking. My self esteem is higher than it has been in years, and that is what he does not like!!!! It is a threat to him............
He cuts me down, yet he went to prison for 2 years and left me devestated. I drank for those 2 years every single day just trying to cope, and self medicate. Yet it is my past problems he is focusing on.
I have tried to make our marriage work, but he doesn't seem to want to. I am beginning to dislike him more, and more. But I feel trapped because I just started college and have 18 months to go before I can get my Associates Degree in Graphics Design, and I really need that to get a job and be independent.
I do not work so he controls all the $, which makes it very hard for me since I am not independent. Everytime we fight he reminds me that I have nothing, and that he does not need me. He is the one that talked me into going to college and told me we would find a way to make it work. Less than 2 weeks after i started he told me he wanted me out of the house (which he does on a regular basis) within one month of being in college he did this to me 3 times. I am to the point though that I pay it no attention, it used to really stress me but not anymore.
Sorry, I just need to vent. I can't talk to my friends because they just won't understand. I feel ashamed that I have allowed myself to get in this situation.
Dear Jules, I was always the one who was apologizing in my relationship as well. You have worked hard to help yourself. When has this man ever apologized to you for whatever it was that he went to jail for and caused you to turn to drinking? He would rather point the finger at you and not draw attention to his own faults. He has to look like a big man in front of his son. No reason for you to feel ashamed as many of us get into these kinds of relationships.
I hope that you can get out of there as soon as possible. Best of luck.
Dear Jules, I was always the one who was apologizing in my relationship as well. You have worked hard to help yourself. When has this man ever apologized to you for whatever it was that he went to jail for and caused you to turn to drinking? He would rather point the finger at you and not draw attention to his own faults. He has to look like a big man in front of his son. No reason for you to feel ashamed as many of us get into these kinds of relationships.
I hope that you can get out of there as soon as possible. Best of luck.
Thanks Becky, I do know that he does this to avoid his shortcomings and make himself feel better. However, I was an alcoholic long before he went to jail. However, I was not drinking at the time he went to jail I actually had like 7 months of sobriety at the time.
This all started because of him talking to some cyber ***** on the internet. Instead of owning up to what he did he always turns the fight around and brings up my past.
He has never apologized to me for anything he has done wrong in our relationship. I have never heard him say he was sorry for anything, even when caught red handed cheating on me. He told me I was crazy and that I had issues. I talked to 3 of the woman he cheated with, one told me he told her I was his son's nanny! Yet it was me who was attacked and put down for being whack as he so galantly put it.
I am hoping once I get my degree and have some independence things will change, but I doubt it. However, this will also give me the opportunity to get out.
christian or not, you also have to know that your children are seeing this behavior....they will go down one of two roads. 1, they will repeat it within thier own lives or 2, they will put up with it from somone else thinking it's normal.
I'd get out now with your kids......if no one else, they deserve better.
Help! I have been married 15 years. In that time my husband has physically abused me - just a slap here and there nothing too serious. Worse is the verbal abuse - F...off, P...off, called me names, putting me down, very critical. I have worked full time nights as a nurse. Now I am ill with an auto immune disease. I think all the financial stressess, childcare and hubby problems have all hit me. I am burnt out I think. My husband is still playing his games. Most of the time OK, some of the time miseraqble, some of the time nasty. I feel as though I am on some sick roller coaster. Up down, all around. He says he loves me and would die if anything happened to me. I am a christian so I feel a moral obligaiton to make my marriage work. He is ok with the children. I do most of everything in the house. He praises me for it and says how hard I work. He is ok then all of a sudden when my barriers are down - POUNCE - he goes for me, not physically, verbally. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. He is diabetic, so I know his blood sugar could be influencing his moods. But what should I do. I have built my own life - I have my own friends, I go to church by myself with the kids, I try to find happiness in things with a positive attitude. I keep forgiving, keep trying, but my hubby is so difficult. I keep hoping things will change. I can't even go in the car with my hubby and my 2 kids - within 5 minutes he's moaning about things, shouting at the kids, stressing me out I could say more, but I'll leave it at that for now. Anybody wise out there?
"A slap here and there". Do you not have any respect for yourself? Abuse is abuse. I don't care if it's a "slap" or a punch. You need to stop sugar-coating it and get out. Don't you think this abuse is affecting your children too?! If you have boys, their going to grow up to think that it's ok to treat women this way, and the girls will think it's okay to take it. I am not married, but the first time a man raises his hand to me, I would be out the door. He would be arrested and most likely dealt with.
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Feeling trapped
