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You can take your dating profile, requirements and whatever else and properly dispose of it. A relationship is interaction, giving and taking and building upon it.
And yet people continue to meet, date, couple, and even have children. No shortage of that with the people I am friends with, my coworkers, their kids and nephews/nieces. Because, math is not how people connect, have chemistry, and fall in love and make relationships work.
People who put up "conditions" or " requirements" that shrink a pool to where it's an impossibility to meet them, aren't trying to meet people. They're trying to avoid connecting with people. It's a common form of self protection from emotional pain.
Your coworkers, their kids and nephews/nieces...are they all married for life? No affairs, no divorces? No spousal abuse or restraining orders? Happy as clams all the time, even as the decades roll past?
Don't get me wrong, I know what you're saying. We need to man up and make things work sometimes. Still there are some lines to be drawn. Should a devout Christian date a devout Muslim? Should a 21 year old female exclude a 60 year-old male? If a man plans to be on the road 90% of the year, should he pick a woman who needs him around most of the time? We're all looking for something different and luckily, there are lots of fish.
My belief is that marriages are fragile at best. I don't think Mother Nature wants us pairing off exclusively for long periods of time, hence the problem. I don't think the people with "conditions" or "requirements" are avoiding connections. Rather, many of them want to give a relationship a viable chance and that means avoiding some avenues.
Your coworkers, their kids and nephews/nieces...are they all married for life? No affairs, no divorces? No spousal abuse or restraining orders? Happy as clams all the time, even as the decades roll past?
Don't get me wrong, I know what you're saying. We need to man up and make things work sometimes. Still there are some lines to be drawn. Should a devout Christian date a devout Muslim? Should a 21 year old female exclude a 60 year-old male? If a man plans to be on the road 90% of the year, should he pick a woman who needs him around most of the time? We're all looking for something different and luckily, there are lots of fish.
My belief is that marriages are fragile at best. I don't think Mother Nature wants us pairing off exclusively for long periods of time, hence the problem. I don't think the people with "conditions" or "requirements" are avoiding connections. Rather, many of them want to give a relationship a viable chance and that means avoiding some avenues.
We need the discernment that our parents used. You judge a partner by their family. You judge a partner by shared religion and core values.
We need the discernment that our parents used. You judge a partner by their family. You judge a partner by shared religion and core values.
The discernment many parents in the past used: we're pregnant. Let's hurry up and get married.
I read a study awhile back saying that an awful lot of Americans (40%?) say that marriage is obsolete. Maybe.
I have often thought that in the old days it may have been easier. Everyone in the US was born, lived, and died in a 50 mile radius...we just weren't mobile. And that meant you knew everyone in town, and yes, their family. Catholics married Catholics, Presbyterians married Presbyterians, and so on. I heard some years ago that a big chunk of e Harmony's compatibility test was really based on Christian issues. I mean their founder, Neil Clark Warren, has a degree in theology, so go figure. They didn't deal with atheists. The Bible really lays out what men and women have as roles, doesn't it? Agree on that in advance and the odds of success go up, and this rule book says so, never mind if the partners are satisfied.
Some things are probably frivolous, like eye color or favorite music. But I also think if a woman sees a tell in a man that reminds her of a father who beat her, she should run. I know a guy who told his daughter he couldn't approve of the guy she liked because he had zero intention of getting and holding a job. I can understand not being attracted to super heavy women, though I know some are. Should I pretend or be honest?
I don't think you do others any favors by pretending a relationship could work when you know it couldn't.
There are plenty of good guys out there. But most women do not want them because, let's face it, they want someone with actors' looks. You probably are not going to get both looks and nice in a man, though some exists. You trade one for the other. Do you want a nerdy guy who is a good husband, father and supports the family. Or do you want the dude who is an idiot to everyone but doesn't want to work because his dream of being a rock star/ actor / artist / pro baseball player (notice no one's dream is to become the top accountant in a firm). Which guy do you want when you are older. You ain't getting both.
But kids always change the game for sure, and women rarely regret doing that.
Looking back in retrospect, I would say a given woman in her mid-late 20s might have 5 major things that are 'musts' in a man and at the end, as she nears 40, maybe 2 or 3 of those will be enough.
It SOUNDS rough, but that's the way lots of things in life are for many people ... jobs, hopes, dreams, ambitions, etc.
The one that in retrospect I can really say that matters less than most men make out is ... money. I know women close to me who are married to men who make nada and have little potential to make anything meaningful.
Men can have pretty shaky financial prospects both short and long term and as long as a woman is confident in hers, she will take it on.
And in some cases, neither really have super stable jobs, and they just trust it will 'work out'.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ILTXwhatnext
Your coworkers, their kids and nephews/nieces...are they all married for life? No affairs, no divorces? No spousal abuse or restraining orders? Happy as clams all the time, even as the decades roll past?
Don't get me wrong, I know what you're saying. We need to man up and make things work sometimes. Still there are some lines to be drawn. Should a devout Christian date a devout Muslim? Should a 21 year old female exclude a 60 year-old male? If a man plans to be on the road 90% of the year, should he pick a woman who needs him around most of the time? We're all looking for something different and luckily, there are lots of fish.
My belief is that marriages are fragile at best. I don't think Mother Nature wants us pairing off exclusively for long periods of time, hence the problem. I don't think the people with "conditions" or "requirements" are avoiding connections. Rather, many of them want to give a relationship a viable chance and that means avoiding some avenues.
Never said married for life. I said coupled. Lots of people don't get married. I have more than a few friends that have been with their partners for 15-25 years. Heck, one could worker has been with his partner since 1971. Many have families. Definitely no restraining orders, that's way out there.
My nephews and nieces are way too young to marry, but all have significant others.
Only one person in my family has divorced in three generations. Zero of my friends that waited til maturity (mid to late 20s) have divorced, and I'm over 50 now. Most first marriages, especially if people wait til finishing school, last.
And your examples are extreme. It's exceptionally unlikely a devout Christian and devour Muslim will connect, have chemistry, and fall in love. Same with a 21 year old and a 60 year old. Those don't have to be avoided since the odds of them happening in the first place are almost zero for real people. If it does happen, it could work, but its so remote it isn't worth discussing. Nor is the notion of happy all the time. No one is happy all the time. That's for stories, not real life.
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