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As a male I have to say a "collection" is extreme. Yes I look at porn periodically with one specific purpose. After that I see no need to watch those stupid azz movies (a whole movie, really!!). I say that because I do believe too much porn does impact your sex life.
By the way, I have to question your thoughts to even discussing this topic with your significant other. What were you thinking. It's a dangerous topic, I avoid it every time...it's not worth the argument...just say your right it's disgusting and move onto the next topic.
I've never had a collection, but when I did watch a porn video, both my wife, and my ex, when we were married, were sitting, or laying right next to me watching it with me. What's funny is my wife likes to watch the movies with me but in the 3 years I subscribed to Playboy, she didn't want to see it around. Didn't mind me having or reading it, but just put it up and not leave it laying on the bed or something like that. Never figured that one out.
I don't mind either way.
But I kind of get it: A Playboy magazine is more threatening to her because it shows a naked, pretty woman, with no flaws on her body who may be a nice person and has a regular life.
Porn actresses are not really a competition for a woman. Porn is for one purpose only. Playboy is showing a pretty woman in a suggestive way but not really in a dirty way and those girls are not necessarily nasty girls like many porn actresses.
But I kind of get it: A Playboy magazine is more threatening to her because it shows a naked, pretty woman, with no flaws on her body who may be a nice person and has a regular life.
Porn actresses are not really a competition for a woman. Porn is for one purpose only. Playboy is showing a pretty woman in a suggestive way but not really in a dirty way and those girls are not necessarily nasty girls like many porn actresses.
That's where I am a weird case, I think. I suspect most women agree with you. And I get the sense that most people see the line drawn (as the post I quoted above says) with engagement with an actual person.
I am more bothered by the depersonalization. Because for me, if THAT is what he wants, if that's what turns a man on, then...what am I engaging with here? I'd rather my partner have a relationship with another woman, as long as she and I get along, then at least I know that his sexuality is based on connecting with something real, rather than an impossible fantasy that I can't even be anything like.
But then...I don't tend to see other individuals as competition in any way. I am not into the idea of competing with anyone for anything. I also don't believe that any other woman could "steal" any man from me...either he wants to be with me or he doesn't. He's got his own free will.
Also...I have met some porn actresses, and they were not nasty, dirty people. They were smart, funny and kind. They had the mindset of "I love sex, so I am getting paid to do what I love"... But they were of the more niche, wealthy, and successful variety who often go on to write books and do appearances and classes at kink conventions and such. Porn actresses are whole entire people, too...it's just that the way that men engage with porn, they don't see or think about that. They don't want to. And it isn't made to encourage them to. The fact that the medium encourages one to dismiss their humanity, does not mean that it doesn't exist.
But I guess that's another issue I have with porn. I don't love the idea of the whole mentality of sex as "dirty and nasty." I don't want shame in my bedroom, I have no shame in my own sexuality, and I'd rather not be having sex with a man who needs or wants it to be furtive, dirty, nasty, or shameful.
And again, I suppose that makes me the weird one. But whatever. /shrug
This is a bundle of why I've got complicated feelings about porn, as a woman.
The man is allowed to seek to get his sexual needs met outside of our interactions, am I? What if the "stimulation" that I need is something that he feels insecure about? Why do the man's needs dictate the rules about what is or is not cheating? I feel stimulated by conversations with other people and emotional connections and I probably don't even need to have physical sex with someone, THAT is a problem because I'm having an "emotional affair" but him getting off by immersing his brain in fantasy of other women, well...that's different. And it's OK.
?
For the most part the rules are pretty clear. In a monogamous relationship you are not to have a romantic/intimate emotional connection with another person nor sexual contact with another person. You are free to see images of people you have no contact with or use whatever devices you'd like.
I'd say for men having explicit images of ex's or other people you have had contact with crosses the line.
For the most part the rules are pretty clear. In a monogamous relationship you are not to have a romantic/intimate emotional connection with another person nor sexual contact with another person. You are free to see images of people you have no contact with or use whatever devices you'd like.
I'd say for men having explicit images of ex's or other people you have had contact with crosses the line.
I agree with that one. My man can look at whatever he wants online. I don't want to know what kind of women he looks at or what kind of sex acts. Don't care, don't want to know.
As long as he still has "energy" left for me, I don't mind. But if he prefers porn over me, then we have an issue.
For the most part the rules are pretty clear. In a monogamous relationship you are not to have a romantic/intimate emotional connection with another person nor sexual contact with another person. You are free to see images of people you have no contact with or use whatever devices you'd like.
I'd say for men having explicit images of ex's or other people you have had contact with crosses the line.
So the line is crossed when you see them as a person?
I guess, if that's monogamy, then that's why I cannot be monogamous, right there. Also, where exactly were these rules laid down? Is there a manual I might consult, or a passage of scripture? Who had the authority to dictate them to whom, exactly? 'Cause they sound more like assumptions, to me, than rules.
There is nothing, nothing whatsoever, of value for me in using depersonalized media of sexual images...it isn't arousing, it's not even interesting. Might as well watch hydraulic machines (yes, I'm thinking of that scene in the recent Beavis & Butthead movie, if anyone has seen that)...
For me, the humanity is the good part. The anatomy...that's not even special. Everybody's got a body. Who cares?
Guess part of why I don't like the feeling of my partner engaging with porn like that is, I don't want him to look at me like that either. If he's having fun with a friend, I can be like, "Yes I see why you think she's great, I think she's great too!" No competition. If he's all fired up and getting off looking at videos of strangers, "is it more of a turn on when it's fantasy? I am not fantasy. I am a person. He doesn't want a person. How/why would he want me? Does he have to work to not see me as a person, but a dirty thing of some kind? How on earth does his mind process sexual engagement with me? And as my body ages, is he just going to retreat further from me and more into fantasy? Does he even love/want me for WHO I am, or am I just the nicest warm female body he could get and settle for?" Because I love HIM for all of who he is. That is how I engage, sexually or not, with other people. Not as...things, to be used. As whole people. Not swappable, fungible, replaceable or disposable. Unique. That's why I don't see it as competition. I would never be with someone because they are "good enough" but because I was drawn to something of their own very particular humanity in them.
God, is that how normal people see their partners? As just the best body of the appropriate sex that they could settle for and be with whose behavior is not too awful to cope with? But otherwise swappable for any other unit of the correct characteristics? Is that why most people are so damn insecure all the time and think that everyone is competing with everyone? That you don't really SEE individuals as unique?
Like for me, trying to understand my partner's enjoyment of porn is a little like trying to cope with a man telling a wife that he is gay, but don't worry he still loves her. And she's thinking, "how does he have sex with me, is he imagining that I'm a man?" Only rather than being into the opposite sex, he's into non-persons...infinite perfect fantasy content. I am not THAT any more than I am a man. So what is he doing with me? I find it confusing.
As a male I have to say a "collection" is extreme. Yes I look at porn periodically with one specific purpose. After that I see no need to watch those stupid azz movies (a whole movie, really!!). I say that because I do believe too much porn does impact your sex life.
By the way, I have to question your thoughts to even discussing this topic with your significant other. What were you thinking. It's a dangerous topic, I avoid it every time...it's not worth the argument...just say your right it's disgusting and move onto the next topic.
My now "ex" couldn't perform without taking a Viagra AND watching porn before we had sex. Talk about screwing with your self esteem. Once I found that out it was the beginning of the end. Granted he was older but I have a feeling he traded one addiction (alcohol) for another (porn.)
So the line is crossed when you see them as a person?
I guess, if that's monogamy, then that's why I cannot be monogamous, right there. Also, where exactly were these rules laid down? Is there a manual I might consult, or a passage of scripture? Who had the authority to dictate them to whom, exactly? 'Cause they sound more like assumptions, to me, than rules.
There is nothing, nothing whatsoever, of value for me in using depersonalized media of sexual images...it isn't arousing, it's not even interesting. Might as well watch hydraulic machines (yes, I'm thinking of that scene in the recent Beavis & Butthead movie, if anyone has seen that)...
For me, the humanity is the good part. The anatomy...that's not even special. Everybody's got a body. Who cares?
Guess part of why I don't like the feeling of my partner engaging with porn like that is, I don't want him to look at me like that either. If he's having fun with a friend, I can be like, "Yes I see why you think she's great, I think she's great too!" No competition. If he's all fired up and getting off looking at videos of strangers, "is it more of a turn on when it's fantasy? I am not fantasy. I am a person. He doesn't want a person. How/why would he want me? Does he have to work to not see me as a person, but a dirty thing of some kind? How on earth does his mind process sexual engagement with me? And as my body ages, is he just going to retreat further from me and more into fantasy? Does he even love/want me for WHO I am, or am I just the nicest warm female body he could get and settle for?" Because I love HIM for all of who he is. That is how I engage, sexually or not, with other people. Not as...things, to be used. As whole people. Not swappable, fungible, replaceable or disposable. Unique. That's why I don't see it as competition. I would never be with someone because they are "good enough" but because I was drawn to something of their own very particular humanity in them.
God, is that how normal people see their partners? As just the best body of the appropriate sex that they could settle for and be with whose behavior is not too awful to cope with? But otherwise swappable for any other unit of the correct characteristics? Is that why most people are so damn insecure all the time and think that everyone is competing with everyone? That you don't really SEE individuals as unique?
Like for me, trying to understand my partner's enjoyment of porn is a little like trying to cope with a man telling a wife that he is gay, but don't worry he still loves her. And she's thinking, "how does he have sex with me, is he imagining that I'm a man?" Only rather than being into the opposite sex, he's into non-persons...infinite perfect fantasy content. I am not THAT any more than I am a man. So what is he doing with me? I find it confusing.
I can see where you are coming from. I had those thoughts when I was living Japan and the porn there was… different, to say the least. But the reality of what I see from American men is that they get to the point where they don’t have realistic expectations anymore of what real human women are like. I knew one guy who would just go on about how every woman was ugly in some way or another, even women who were generally quite attractive. I wondered what he was looking at online to make this decision- likely not women who were the way they were naturally.
But I kind of get it: A Playboy magazine is more threatening to her because it shows a naked, pretty woman, with no flaws on her body who may be a nice person and has a regular life.
Porn actresses are not really a competition for a woman. Porn is for one purpose only. Playboy is showing a pretty woman in a suggestive way but not really in a dirty way and those girls are not necessarily nasty girls like many porn actresses.
Wow - that is certainly some judgement placed on people you don't know. And also a very weird line between "pretty and suggestive" and "dirty".
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