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IMHO, it doesn't matter what it's labeled or not labeled. You may feel differently, but I personally would not decide to end a marriage based on what happened when you and he were obviously having some conflict. I would be more interested in what's happening with him now. How does he view what happened?
"Ross: We were on a break" pretty much sums it up.
The only thing he's ever said is that he was lonely and didn't think there was any chance we'd reconcile. Other than that, he does not want to talk about this.
"Ross: We were on a break" pretty much sums it up.
The only thing he's ever said is that he was lonely and didn't think there was any chance we'd reconcile. Other than that, he does not want to talk about this.
Well, I personally wouldn't "like" it, but the fact he did it wouldn't be a deal-breaker with me either.
I have very mixed feelings about seperation and what's cheating / what's not. I feel like when you have made that choice to seperate, why go that route when really it's as good as divorce (to me anyway). I think seperation is a very gray area and you really have to be clear about why you are doing it in the first place.
In my opinion, it does make a difference that you filed for divorce versus simply being seperated.
If you were simply seperated, and the expectation was that this seperation was a temporary thing to work out some problems, possibly seek counseling or whatever, then yes I would absolutely say that it was cheating, a betrayal and very deceitful on his part.
However, if you were seperated, pending a divorce and the idea was that the marriage was over (or as he stated, no chance of reconciliation), once divorce papers were filed, I wouldn't say it falls into the catagory of cheating.
I also agree with what someone else said here. At this point, you two are back together. What should matter is what is going on now, not what happened while both of you were seperated and pending divorce.
If this other woman is no longer a factor, meaning not in his life in any way, then I agree the only one bringing her into the present situation is you. Now, considering the fact that for whatever reason, you both have found it to be able to reconcile and stay together rather than divorce, is she worth losing that. It's not like you were together and he went out and strayed on you, deceiving you. He did so while he believed the marriage to be over.
You may not have been even thinking about dating and that is great. But people are different. Especially men and women.
Not to stereotype because not all are the same but for a lot of women, healing from the pain of seperation and possible divorce often means taking time to themselves, having time for self-analysis and discovery, and mourning the loss of the relationship before moving forward. For a lot of men it's a matter of knowing someone out there will want them, burying the hurt and trying to take out one nail with another.
Also, when it comes to dating in a situation like this, for most women it tends to be about emotional connection, friendship and relationship. For most men, it would be about someone to hang with, not being alone and possibly a physical connection. Women will be more likely to jump into an emotional relationship, while men will be more likely to jump into a physical one.
For a woman, she realizes that she is not ready to move forward and emotionally commit to another person and thus puts off dating a bit longer. For a man, however, he may be more apt to move forward, at least in a physical sense, and into a friends with benefits situation where there are no strings attached.
In short, you were seperated with divorce papers filed. I personally would not put so much weight on what happened as opposed to what is happening right now. You are together and have reconciled, you both should be working towards moving forward, not backwards. If you love him and you really want to make this reconciliation work, I would try to put this behind you and move forward.
Kind of look at it as this analogy I heard once. It's like you are driving a car. There is a very large windshield in front of you, and a very little rearview mirror. The reason for this is that you need to keep your eyes mostly on what is ahead of you, though you occassionally look into that rearview mirror to see what was left behind. However, if you focus too long or too much on the rearview mirror and what was left behind, you run the risk of missing what is ahead of you and possibly crashing.
In my opinion, it does make a difference that you filed for divorce versus simply being seperated.
If you were simply seperated, and the expectation was that this seperation was a temporary thing to work out some problems, possibly seek counseling or whatever, then yes I would absolutely say that it was cheating, a betrayal and very deceitful on his part.
However, if you were seperated, pending a divorce and the idea was that the marriage was over (or as he stated, no chance of reconciliation), once divorce papers were filed, I wouldn't say it falls into the catagory of cheating.
I also agree with what someone else said here. At this point, you two are back together. What should matter is what is going on now, not what happened while both of you were seperated and pending divorce.
If this other woman is no longer a factor, meaning not in his life in any way, then I agree the only one bringing her into the present situation is you. Now, considering the fact that for whatever reason, you both have found it to be able to reconcile and stay together rather than divorce, is she worth losing that. It's not like you were together and he went out and strayed on you, deceiving you. He did so while he believed the marriage to be over.
You may not have been even thinking about dating and that is great. But people are different. Especially men and women.
Not to stereotype because not all are the same but for a lot of women, healing from the pain of seperation and possible divorce often means taking time to themselves, having time for self-analysis and discovery, and mourning the loss of the relationship before moving forward. For a lot of men it's a matter of knowing someone out there will want them, burying the hurt and trying to take out one nail with another.
Also, when it comes to dating in a situation like this, for most women it tends to be about emotional connection, friendship and relationship. For most men, it would be about someone to hang with, not being alone and possibly a physical connection. Women will be more likely to jump into an emotional relationship, while men will be more likely to jump into a physical one.
For a woman, she realizes that she is not ready to move forward and emotionally commit to another person and thus puts off dating a bit longer. For a man, however, he may be more apt to move forward, at least in a physical sense, and into a friends with benefits situation where there are no strings attached.
In short, you were seperated with divorce papers filed. I personally would not put so much weight on what happened as opposed to what is happening right now. You are together and have reconciled, you both should be working towards moving forward, not backwards. If you love him and you really want to make this reconciliation work, I would try to put this behind you and move forward.
Kind of look at it as this analogy I heard once. It's like you are driving a car. There is a very large windshield in front of you, and a very little rearview mirror. The reason for this is that you need to keep your eyes mostly on what is ahead of you, though you occassionally look into that rearview mirror to see what was left behind. However, if you focus too long or too much on the rearview mirror and what was left behind, you run the risk of missing what is ahead of you and possibly crashing.
Great post! You actually hit on some of my exact thoughts
I also think it is really important to remember that men and women come from completely different places when reasoning some things out - if he really believed the marriage had no chance and that the divorce was a foregone conclusion, I can see why it sees nothing wrong with what he did.
Great post! You actually hit on some of my exact thoughts
I also think it is really important to remember that men and women come from completely different places when reasoning some things out - if he really believed the marriage had no chance and that the divorce was a foregone conclusion, I can see why it sees nothing wrong with what he did.
Thanks. The other thing that I see here is that while the OP does say that he doesn't see it as cheating, she really doesn't say how he feels about the whole thing. The fact that he doesn't see it as cheating does not mean that deep inside he doesn't have some regret over it or wish it hadn't happened. I think it says something that he told her that he was lonely and believed they would never reconcile. Speaks a hurting person to me. The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it, to me is a sign of someone that maybe is not very proud of what he did, rather put it behind him and move forward and doesn't want to hurt her with any details of the situation.
I do understand the woman's possible need to talk about it. I remember when I was cheated on something inside of me wanted to know every little detail. He of course did not want to talk about it or tell me them. At that moment I'd grow frustrated. It was like he was holding that control and I was in the dark about certain things. Hindsight though, I'm glad I didn't know all the little details. I don't see how they could have helped but only hurt the attempt to repair the damage caused.
I really feel that the OP needs to just drop this and focus on the current status of the relationship and what they are both doing right now to make this marriage work. This other woman is really inconsequential to the whole situation and needs to just be put out of both of their minds. Otherwise, it could destroy any possibility of this reconciliation succeeding.
Thanks. The other thing that I see here is that while the OP does say that he doesn't see it as cheating, she really doesn't say how he feels about the whole thing. The fact that he doesn't see it as cheating does not mean that deep inside he doesn't have some regret over it or wish it hadn't happened. I think it says something that he told her that he was lonely and believed they would never reconcile. Speaks a hurting person to me. The fact that he doesn't want to talk about it, to me is a sign of someone that maybe is not very proud of what he did, rather put it behind him and move forward and doesn't want to hurt her with any details of the situation.
I do understand the woman's possible need to talk about it. I remember when I was cheated on something inside of me wanted to know every little detail. He of course did not want to talk about it or tell me them. At that moment I'd grow frustrated. It was like he was holding that control and I was in the dark about certain things. Hindsight though, I'm glad I didn't know all the little details. I don't see how they could have helped but only hurt the attempt to repair the damage caused.
I really feel that the OP needs to just drop this and focus on the current status of the relationship and what they are both doing right now to make this marriage work. This other woman is really inconsequential to the whole situation and needs to just be put out of both of their minds. Otherwise, it could destroy any possibility of this reconciliation succeeding.
The other woman is never inconsequential to the situation. There shouldn't be another woman. When there is, you're in trouble.
The fact he doesn't want to talk about it tells me all I really need to know.
There's no dropping it. Either it gets resolved or I use up the rest of my retainer with my lawyer. I'm not sure it can be resolved. The more time passes, the more it bothers me. I just feel like the marriage was over the second he decided to be with someone else. It was so easy for him to move on so what do I mean to him? I'm really wondering why he wanted to come back. He left once and saw someone else. What's to stop him from doing it again? What's changed?
Funny thing about people. Do the same thing and you usually get the same results.
It's very possible that this woman was just a blip on his life story and really means nothing to him. And that could be why he's not talking about it- because it meant nothing to him.
Men are different than women. You need to understandthat he's handling this in a much different way than you might.
Well he may not want to talk about it because he's affaid it will only introduce more unpleasant information to you and reenergize your bad feelings. He may just want to forget it ever happened himself and get back to what's most important to him.....YOU.
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