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I'd have to wonder if some evenings aren't a real disappointment, leaving you with the thought that you'd done better to have spent the time and effort on your spouse.
Here's an interesting analogy about things "forbidden". I hope I can convey the meaning here, so bear with me.
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Humans crave what they can't (or shouldn't) have. This is something you find in all ages of humankind, in all economic classes, and in every race and religion. It's part of being human.
Yes, mostly when they're children, not when you mature and become and adult...
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If you are not allowed to have something and it's something you feel you need, you will try that much harder to get it.
Not in the case of a lot of people...they just accept the fact they can't have something and move on...I can't have a lot of things I wanted when I was young...now, I don't care....and I'm comfortable with what I have and how I've lived.
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Take a child who wants a piece of candy at the store. As with any child, they will generally take the first step of asking for it. They risk being told "no" and being told that it isn't an option. He can then do one of many things if he is told "no"...
1. He can negotiate and communicate why he has the desire to change the original response.
2. He can find ways to obtain it on his own by legitimate means.
3. He can steal it and keep that act a secret.
We are adults not children....
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In option #1, he is using communication and expressing his needs. As a result, a mutual understanding between two parties is reached regardless of the actual outcome. If he hears why it is not an option, he may decide that it is no longer something he wants. If he still wants it and can't have it, he would at least understand the reasons why.
you cannot compare a child wanting candy compared to a married adult wanting sex with another person outside the marriage. And Option #1 makes no sense to me?
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In option #2, he is finding ways to do it on his own with his own resources. He eliminates involvement by others and takes the responsibility for himself. He is willing to face any consequences even if they are bad. He realizes that he has to give something up in order to get what he wants.
Yeah, but what about the two or possible three other people involved? They get hurt...your husband, his wife, and him. cannot compared a child to a situation like this...
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In option #3, he is getting it at all costs, no matter the consequences. He then has to deal with not being trustworthy, facing guilt, and causing harm to both himself and others. His integrity is no longer intact.
A child doesn't have the ability to reason like an adult, so he doesn't usually weigh consequences....adults do, or should?
In relationships, which would you choose if you wanted to have a piece of candy?
I would choose honestly, to stay true to my man. If he wasn't enough for me, then why even be married?
I'd have to wonder if some evenings aren't a real disappointment, leaving you with the thought that you'd done better to have spent the time and effort on your spouse.
Nope...always give every encounter my all. I want to make sure that I have fodder to take home and enjoy with my SO.
I found this part very interesting: "They started by having a threesome with a female friend named Lisbeth. After a while, Lisbeth wanted to have sex only with Christopher. Block and her husband learned to overcome jealousy, which Block says is a socially learned emotion, not a biologically innate one. Now the couple can have relationships, from one-night stands to long-term affairs, with other people. Christopher has been with just Lisbeth in the years since they went open, while Block has had several relationships and is now with her long-term girlfriend, Jemma."
So really, if anyone wants to extrapolate that anyone should have been hurt by sleeping with another person, it would have been the husband hurting Jenny when he continued to sleep with a lover they originally shared. Jenny was left out of the picture when he chose to move forward with Lisbeth. I fail to see how the husband is "not happy" and being a victim here.
If you think about it, it's human nature and instinct to have sexual desires, even for other people.
Just like a child would naturally desire candy, it's natural for humans to desire something pleasurable. How we get that pleasure met is what makes us complex creatures.
Propagation of the species is within ALL of us, regardless of our gender. Men tend to desire more than one woman because that is how we are MADE. Women who have made a choice to not bear more children STILL get a desire once in a while to have just "one" more because our biological clock tells us this. There are certain times of our cycle that we are more inclined to "propagate" that coincide with our most fertile days of the month. Our instincts are overriding logical thinking.
Fighting our natural desires and making it forbidden is unhealthy. I would rather understand those desires, know they exist, and decide for myself how it plays into my marriage. I wouldn't fault my DH for having a desire and expressing it. I WOULD fault him for denying himself a natural desire and keeping it a forbidden secret regardless if he acted on it or not.
Propagation of the species yes, is in all of us...but we are human, and we were supposed to be married to one person, have children with them, and being fertal has nothing to do with sexual exploitations outside of the marriage, unless you indend to have different fathers for your children?
We are supposed to be loyal to one person...and I've never had any desires to fight as far as being with someone else...honestly, and unlike my husband, it never occurred to me, not once.
and fighting desires as such, shouldn't even be an issue, especially when they are not for your husband.
Quit honestly, I'd head for the nearest shrink, if I ever had these desires....
My analogy is just an example. I can give another involving an adult and it would still have the same outcome.
We are offered choices, regardless of age. We can be honest about it and communicate our desires, or we can deny our wants and needs to the point of being dishonest.
I'd rather be in a relationship where honesty and communication worked both ways. I'd have no right to "own" anyone or think I am somehow powerful enough to control their choices. That would be wrong of me to insist that on another person, even while married to them.
Nope...always give every encounter my all. I want to make sure that I have fodder to take home and enjoy with my SO.
You might....I was more thinking of your partner for the night just not being worth it
Being curious here since you're being so open and it's a great chance to learn more about something we may not be familiar with........
Going to make a big assumption here.......you and your husband enjoy a good sex life.
So.....am I too gather you use whatever new experiences and apply them in your home bed (or wherever) ?
Since, technically, only so many things can be done unless you start getting way out kinky....and most of them can be learned through experimentation.....actually, even the way out kinky......what's the attraction to go outside?
Obviously, you have no need to answer me if you prefer not to
Last edited by old_cold; 07-18-2008 at 03:09 PM..
Reason: addition
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