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Moving you away from your school and now struggling. Was the move adventagious to the parents, as in them being closer to him? You voiced this and they seemingly had no sympathy?
If so..
Here goes...Seriously consider getting a divorce. A marriage is a partnership, especially nowadays. I'm not sure of the details, but it sounds like the parents would rather have him and you struggling, than you getting your way. It almost sounds like they don't want you to succeed. They push for a move, but offer no help after. Bad sign. You're young and married into a control freak family. Usually the parents, if good parents at all, go out of their way to council "what's good for your wife?" I'm sorry but I'm a big believer in looking long term and it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a situation where your just the wife, not the partner.
See what everybodies doing is a "well you're stuck w it, try to get over it, best of luck" posts. They would rather see a wife and kids miserable than see a marriage break up. They offer that the kids will get over it eventually, and you should just keep plugging. They would rather see you keep giving in and try harder than DEMAND that of the offender. I'm big on love thyself, then you can love everybody else.
The worst part is you said you hadn't told him. That you are instead here "venting" you're already in a situation where you hide your feelings from him, and instead hold unspoken resentments about it. My experiance with this is you'll grow angry and bitter and talk more and more about these resentments to others, instead of him, instead of learning to resolve issues. And you'll probably leave him when it gets to be too much, anyway. Except you'll no longer be caring and trying, you'll be angry and hateful, and full of justification.
Can you talk to your husband about it in a calm, non-threatening way? As in "I know we've moved and we're not going back, but I feel angry about it because of X, Y and Z. I'm not asking you to fix it, but I'm carrying this anger around and I know it's not good for either me or our marriage and I wanted to tell you about it."
From your own words COMMUNICATION has broken down here. You are not unique in any way, shape or form. I'll go as far as this. You outlined your plans for your future pre-wedding and he agreed whole heartedly! Now you're starting to realize he was just agreeing till you got married w children. Then all your silly notions of a career were supposed to disolve. And you've of given in. AND YOU HATE IT, DON'T YOU? Look at who raised him! You made a big mistake in your mind, didn't you? And what your not expressing is your feeling he's a big pig head and won't listen anyway and that's why you don't talk to him for days on end, right? So you've climbed up on the cross, and are sacrificing yourself for the marriage, the kids, his parents. And worse, you're getting enabling well meaning advice on here to do just that! This ain't going to end happily ever after.
I've been the husband in this story. I've seen what hell builds up for not just her and me, but for the kids also. I had the interfering parent. And I'm telling you unless you can sit down and iron these things out face to face, give and take, you'll end up despising this guy. Worse yet, you'll probably vent to humans infront of you, not just on the net, and eventually you'll meet a guy who'll have nothing but sympathy for you, and he'll seem like mr wonderful because he LISTENS, AND TALKS TO YOU....
Look, I know you made a move you didn't want to make. What you haven't mentioned is why your husband felt it necessary. Maybe it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Maybe there was no economic future in your former city.
That being said, harboring resentment for your husband does absolutely no good. Just tell him, without being a youknowwhat about it, "Honey, I know that your intentions were good here, but I don't think this has been a good move for us. I'll be happy to give this one more year. And if things don't change, we're going to change our address." No yelling. No seething. No calling hubby an imbecile.
On to your inability to make friends. I've lived in a lot of places, and I've yet to find a city where I didn't make a lot of friends. Maybe a part of the problem is that you're walking around, seething with resentment, and still aren't fully committed to being there. If you really are this resentful, who knows what kind of bitter comments you're making. And, my guess is that you're putting off an unhappy mien. Who wants to make friends with somebody like that?
After all, you buried the clue in your own handle: Sarcasm, the body's natural defense against the stupid. That's pretty telling if you really think about it. I have found that sarcasm is really a manifestation of weakness, not strength. It exists only to belittle others without having the confidence to actually confront someone or deal with them on honest terms. This is why sarcastic people are generally detested. Because they are the killjoys in every situation, and the people who use sarcasm are really only looking for the cheap and easy putdown of others. It is a manifestation of contempt for others. So, here you evidently view sarcasm as a pretty good thing, which leads me to believe that you use it in a lot of situations. Then you wonder why nobody wants to befriend you. It also explains why you haven't had the nerve to confront your husband about the entire mess. Instead, you're resorting to passive aggressive behavior to act out, which isn't healthy for you, your marriage, or your children.
So, the different between an ordeal and an adventure is your attitude. Change it for the better and see how things go. At the same time, make sure that hubby understands that he has one more year to make things work. That way, you can say that you did everything you could to make the situation a success. And, that way, hubby won't spend the rest of his life resenting you.
Ohh yeah, I feel your pain. About 18 years ago, my hubby did the same thing and moved us from friends, family and a life in Florida to PA all at the insistence of family. I never did forgive him for it and yes, due to the stress and my being unhappy and even though I tried to make it work it was miserable for me. We ended up divorcing and oddly enough I stayed anyway (because of the kids).
I think I still held onto that resentment even after we divorced and I have to tell you, having been to Manassas MANY times (friends of mine and my fiance), I would not want to live there either.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can totally relate but the other poster was right when he said don't let it wreck your marriage and it will if you don't do something to try and make it work for you.
Good luck - feel free to post off the board to me if you need to really talk. It's hard down there and being from all the way across the country too.
Hang in there....
Moving you away from your school and now struggling. Was the move adventagious to the parents, as in them being closer to him? You voiced this and they seemingly had no sympathy?
If so.. Here goes...Seriously consider getting a divorce. A marriage is a partnership, especially nowadays. I'm not sure of the details, but it sounds like the parents would rather have him and you struggling, than you getting your way. It almost sounds like they don't want you to succeed. They push for a move, but offer no help after. Bad sign. You're young and married into a control freak family. Usually the parents, if good parents at all, go out of their way to council "what's good for your wife?" I'm sorry but I'm a big believer in looking long term and it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a situation where your just the wife, not the partner.
Whoa... why are you so quick to send this woman down to the court enroute for divorce. Yeah marriage is a partnership. It is also a committment two people make to one another. If I recall my marriage vows, which I took not that long ago, it did say "for better or for worse". So this is a worse time. They are struggling and perhaps the move was not the best thing for them. So should she now toss out the baby witht he bath water. Sheesh. How about that partnership and committment issue. Wouldn't it apply on working together to find a solution to the problem rather than tossing the marriage away. It's not like she is saying he is physically abusive to her or their children, not like he is out running around mary, sue and jane (to say some names) while she is home miserable. They made a move. Sometimes a move can be good, sometimes it can be bad, but it is not something that can't be reversed if need be. Don't be so quick to send someone on the route to divorce, especially when there are children involved.
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex
See what everybodies doing is a "well you're stuck w it, try to get over it, best of luck" posts. They would rather see a wife and kids miserable than see a marriage break up. They offer that the kids will get over it eventually, and you should just keep plugging. They would rather see you keep giving in and try harder than DEMAND that of the offender. I'm big on love thyself, then you can love everybody else.
A move is very difficult on everyone involved usually. Kids do have a hard time with changes such as a move. They left friends behind and now are the new kids on the block and have to make new ones. But you know what. People (children included) are resilient and they can bounce back. Sometimes all it takes is giving it a little time to see if it can work out. Sometimes, after a little time has gone by they realize that the move was actually the best thing that happened to them, even though they didn't see it at the time. However, in order to get to that point, the family needs to stick together, help each other through it and get through it as a family. Breaking up the marriage, and as a result the family unit, is not going to solve anything or make it better all of a sudden. In fact, it can actually make it worse.
Quote:
Originally Posted by optiflex
The worst part is you said you hadn't told him. That you are instead here "venting" you're already in a situation where you hide your feelings from him, and instead hold unspoken resentments about it. My experiance with this is you'll grow angry and bitter and talk more and more about these resentments to others, instead of him, instead of learning to resolve issues. And you'll probably leave him when it gets to be too much, anyway. Except you'll no longer be caring and trying, you'll be angry and hateful, and full of justification.
This is about the only part of your post that I lean in agreement with you on in this subject. One of the obvious problems is that she has not talked this over with him and therefore he is unaware of her feelings. This is a breakdown in communication for whatever her reasons may be. However, again, the solution is not to now seek a divorce and end the marriage, but a better solution would be to restore the communication and discuss her feelings with her husband. This way, they both together can possibly work towards solutions that would benefit their family as a whole. That is the whole concept with marriage being a partnership. That they work together, not against each other, is it not?
....you were 13 credit hours away and that somehow set you back 2 years? WTF?
Yeah I'm not totally getting that part myself. Not sure how that can happen when college credits, as far as I understand it, if it was at a fully accredited school, should be fully transferable.
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