My story is two-fold.
I was in a relationship with someone for many years that was a habitual cheater. He would stick his dinghy in anyone, so long as it wasn't me, it seemed. He loved 'older' women, but was in a relationship with me despite me being two years younger.
One day, he disappeared again for a few weeks, immediately after I was planning on visiting his family with him. We had bought the plane tickets and everything. I was in Indiana, but his family was in French Canada. Of course, I had bought non-refundable tickets for myself, because they were cheaper.
At any rate, his 'disappearance' was the last straw for me. I finally got some self-esteem, and just cut him out of my life. No formal breakup, no nothing. I just disappeared as he did.
Shortly after leaving him like he often left me, I met someone new. He was a wonderful person, if not a little bit crazy. (Note to self: don't date anyone detoxing from antidepressants!) We dated for just over three years and things went more or less smoothly. It was a relatively low-maintenance relationship when it worked.
However, the relationship began to sour as I had to move to Kentucky after the end of graduate school. I worked flexible hours, so I could take a week off at any given time. He, working long, grueling hours, got tired of coming to visit me (which he only did twice after the move), and I got tired of being the one that would have to come to Indiana on my own dime once a month for a week. Besides, this period of "practically living together" became horribly awkward. I got tired of watching bad science fiction movies and cartoons, listening to his diatribes about stuff, not having sex, and dealing with the fact that he wouldn't make a real commitment... the usual "the relationship is going in the crapper" signs. Of course, any discussion about it all always resulted in a dead end.
Eventually, I started to get an overwhelming feeling in my chest that this was the end. I didn't want it to be the end, because he was a decent person, and I loved him. However, the signs were too strong to ignore. I started having dreams about him being married to someone else, and having relations with someone else, and having kids with someone else... and I took it as a sign that I needed to step out of the way.
Being a jealous person at heart, I did not want to be alone. A lot had happened during that time period that was tearing me away from the person that I felt like I wanted to be. I had lost my old life, a job I adored, my 18-year-old cat and, imminently, I believed that I would lose the boyfriend, too. It was just too much to bear.
Instead of dealing with the situation honorably, I decided to cheat on him once with my cheating ex. It wasn't terribly enjoyable, and it was another reminder why the one I loved, but was failing with, was a much better man. But, boy, did I pay for that!
That was 18 months ago.
If I had left him honorably instead of through devious means--meaning that his suspicion of something being "off" a day later is what triggered our "mutual" breakup--I might not be alone right now. I am still living what feels like a shadow of my old life. The great sorrow that fills me for doing the wrong thing still lingers in the shadows, although the grace of God lifts it from me when He desires it. Although I have a somewhat better job, a new relationship with Christ through the nurturing of the Catholic Church, and two new pets, I do not have what my heart desired initially. I wanted a husband to whom I can be a forever helpmate. That is the part that hurts the most.
Although I will be washed clean through the Sacrament of Reconciliation upon completing RCIA, and will be healed through the Grace of God, I cannot forgive myself for causing such unnecessary pain in the process. I feel like I have truly learned my lesson, and I only wish for the scales to be balanced so that I, once again, can find peace from my guilt. I cry every day for my mistakes. I feel immense pain for what was, in essence, a terrible experience all around. Although the relationship was not meant to be in the end, I should have treated someone I loved--and, despite his faults, still love--in a better way. I continually examine myself, asking why I let myself do this, and attempting to grow in preparation for whoever The Father intends me to be with.
Oh, and as for the one who got cheated on? I heard that he is now engaged to a very nice woman, and they hope to get married soon. I couldn't be happier for him, but my jealousy and pain make me believe that I am living in penance for this mistake. This proves to me that dreams can truly be prophetic.
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