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What do the guys think... would you older guys date a 44 year old with an autistic son?
If I was single I would certainly consider dating a 44 year old. Of course I'm in my 40's and have a kid who has special needs, too, so I know somewhat what you're going through. But the important things would come first: are we compatible, similar interests, share values, click sexually? These things would come first.
Should you leave your husband? This is the gut wrenching decision, obviously. The answer is not as easy as some suggest ("just leave him," some will say, without any consideration of employability, insurance, IEP/special ed. needs of the children, etc.). I know because I have had troubles in my marriage and know that leaving isn't the slam-dunk decision that some suggest.
That said, being around an abusive husband is absolutely toxic for your children. If your husband simply ignored you, then I might think differently. But your children will be harmed -- socially, psychologically -- by being around this man.
So as tough as it is, I think you should leave him. Is there family or close friends who could help you? Can you work and support yourself? Now is the time to not hold back...ask those (true) friends and/or loving family member who would be there for you for anything, because now is when you -- but most importantly, your kids -- need them the most. And contact these folks to see if they can be of help: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Your kids should not be subjected to an abusive environment. And what if he ever started abusing them? Or turned more violent? (sorry, hon, but head butting is physicial violence...his abuse of you is not just verbal). How would you feel about your decision to stay then? As tough as it would be, you simply must get away from an abusive environment. It will corrode you psychologically, and it will deeply harm your children. It's awful.
IMHO low chance of remarriage. but many affluent generous men around that would be glad to have you as a non live in girl friend. the key is the word generous. and the word happy. the kid thing and the home is your stuff. the rest can be shared.
If you happen upon a man who loves you truly, he will love and help you no matter what. He will love your children, too.
This is the cliche, but truth is often different. The fact of the matter is that middle aged women with kids face challenges finding a good man. And just because the guy may like her doesn't mean that he wants to raise her kids. That's not to say that it doesn't happen because, of course, it does all the time. But taking a Hollywood-like "love triumphs all," they-got-together-and-lived-happily-ever-after approach can be deeply unrealistic. The reality is that women like pam721 face significant challenges in landing a good man, and such women must be prepared to go it alone if they must. Given pam721's awful situation, it is something I think she should do.
Pam721 you should know, too, that it is extremely unlikely that you could leave your marriage to this awful man and go right into a relationship with another (presumably good) guy. Those situations are simply very rare. Thus, whether you land a guy a little later or much later, the reality is that you're very likely to to have to go it alone, at least for a while. But you should do it in order to get away from the two-faced turkey that you're currently married to. Your children deserve better.
Hi all - I'm my eyes are tearing up reading everyone's post. Professorsenator is probably right, but -- well, it's not so cut and dried. He's hardly around - he's a workaholic. And when he's around we're usually so caught up with the kids that it's not like we fight every second. But we do very often. We try to keep it away from the kids, but sometimes when he disappears for no reason, and the kids asks where he is - it's weird. It's not exactly like our house is a war zone 24/7. Like I said - he's hardly around. But when he is around, with me he's usually either evasive, secretive, telling me to leave him alone, leaving for 2-5 hours at a time, doing the cursing/slamming doors thing or just generally in a bad mood. He is only nice when he wants some action in the bedroom. Or we're in a short-lived truce.
Regarding the headbutting, he's only done it to me twice, about 3 years ago or so. His abuse is the cursing, calling me a b****, bumping into me hard, screaming in my face, etc.... and it's usually away from the kids.
But it's so hard. So hard. I so want to make it normal, and I keep thinking that if I try to be more loving and sweet, it'll get better. He doesn't like me to ask him questions about anything, and if I GOD FORBID repeat myself, he gets so angry immediately. And he's a MORMON!! When I met him, I thought if anyone will be nice and normal and kind - if anyone will have good character - it would be a mormon, right!!! Wrong!!!!!
It's like he thinks he can just treat me like hell most of the time and he knows I'm stuck. The funny thing is that I'm a lawyer, very well read, used to be a rock climber, am in really good shape, like cooking gourmet food, love to travel (have traveled the world) and hike and ski -- I've turned down A LOT of guys. You know, I just got carded in a bar!! Really. I'm 44 but most people think I'm in my early 30s. I'm a very dynamic person, never get sick, always doing interesting things. And here I married the worst of the lot!!! It just kills me.
I just keep telling myself that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and just try to keep a smiling face and realize that if I get down, my family comes tumbling down because I'm basically the only one keeping this family a family. Besides him shoveling a bit of snow, I do everything. Decorate the tree, take the kids places, plan trips, decorate the house, open the mail, cook, clean, pay the bills, etc...
I know that even an interesting, dynamic, fit and good looking 44 year old woman will still have a hard time finding a quality man if she has an autistic son. But won't it get harder the older I get??
By the way, staying single is not an option for me. I wish I could. I need a man in my life. I need to be physically close to someone like I need air to breathe. I hate sleeping alone. I"m tired of getting my hug quota from my kids. It doesn't really work.
I just pray every day that I make the right decision, that my path will become clear.
I really don't understand. So you would rather be miserable but have someone to sleep with than alone and happy?
Thousands of people with kids find a partner again but you know what, until you are happy with yourself, you are very likely just going to fall into the same pattern that you did with your current husband - settling just for the sake of a warm body.
Listen, I get it - I have been widowed for over five years now. I get wanting a physical relationship. What I don't get is sacrificing your health, your sanity, your kids health and sanity (because yes, it is unhealthy for your kids to have to live with that kind of tension in the house) just for what? As you put it someone to sleep with at night???!!!
By the way, I have heard that after 40 a woman has a better chance of being hit by lightening than of remarrying. But it does happen. You just have to work at it. I also know that the statistical liklihood of divorce after a second (or third ect) marriage is very high. So if you do leave and you do meet someone, do nto rush into marriage becuase you feel that you need a dad. You may end up back in a worse situation than you are in.
But if you leave and it sounds like you should if councelling is not working, then you should be prepared to stay single. Single mom is a very hard lifestyle, but it is better than having no help from dad and/or living in an abusive relationship. Your best bet is councelling. iF the counselling is not working, find another counseler. I am told that a lot of them are worthless and a few are fantastic. You just have to find a good one.
Pam, there really are guys out there who are great guys. Guys who accept kids. Guys who wouldnt ever cheat or treat you like crap. I personally know a few of them. Age? No matter if youre 24 or 54, there is someone for everyone. Your kids will let you know when youve found the 'right' one, because they too, can sense it. I know this.
Regarding the headbutting, he's only done it to me twice, about 3 years ago or so. His abuse is the cursing, calling me a b****, bumping into me hard, screaming in my face, etc.... and it's usually away from the kids. By the way, staying single is not an option for me. I wish I could. I need a man in my life....I just pray every day that I make the right decision, that my path will become clear.
Pam721, he has head-butted you multiple times and his "bumping" is more physical abuse (albeit relatively mild compared to most abuse). It's still way, way over the line, unacceptable.
Pam721, you're an educated, diverse, interesting woman! You *know* that you shouldn't have to put up with this stuff! And please...you should not have to walk on eggshells around your own home! It is not your fault that he is a hypocritical jerk.
You do NOT have to stay single. You can find another man (indeed, if you are as educated, fit, and interesting as you say I would think your prospects are very good). But you must realize that if/when you leave your abusive husband you will almost certainly have to be alone for some amount of time....could you steel yourself to handle that? Could you make it on your own for, say, a year while you get yourself on your own? Yes, leaving him probably will mean some time on your own. But leaving this jerk is NOT -- repeat NOT -- a lifetime commitment to celibacy and loneliness.
Hi all - I need help in a big way. I'm in a very bad marriage. Husband is verbally abusive, can't control his temper, leaves house when even slightly irritated for many hours, curses in front of kids, calls me a b**** at the slightest hint of a disagreement. I can be a little bit of a nag sometimes (what woman isn't), hate it when he spends too much money (he put $8000 on a credit card in about 3 months on ... I'm not really sure on what). But I'm calm and rational, and want to rationally discuss things. My husband basically has tantrums over almost nothing, slamming doors, throwing things, etc. He refuses medication. He's not really physical abusive - will bump into me when passing me, head butted me once, screams in my face "f*** you" - but I'm just dumbfounded because these disagreements are actually very minor. I think he's pissed that he's being challenged or questioned about anything. His mother is extremely passive. He was married before - has son from previous marriage. Enough said.
I'd have left him long ago if not for my 2 kids. So here's the question: What are my chances at ever being remarried as a 44 year old woman (nice looking but not gorgeous, slim body more or less, but I'm interesting and fun and have a lot of good qualities I think, including cheerfully devoting myself 24/7 to my kids and husband, when he's being normal) with a 6 year old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son who is very difficult but also sweet? I live in the Boston area, if that makes a difference. My father says forget it - stay with my husband as "What normal, successful guy would want to be with you?" (nice, huh) He has a point. I've never had any trouble attracting guys (they seem to like me, for some reason). But - well - I do come with a lot of baggage (namely my son).
Please please tell me what you think!!!
He head butts you, bumps into you but "isn't really physically abusive?" If things are that bad the last thing I would be worried about is meeting men at 44. Your children come first not new men.
I will tell you though that one of the strongest women and the darn best mother in the world was married to a relative of mine. They also have an autistic daughter and he left, actually they divorced when she was four. Because of his attitude, she didn't even make a big deal about support, she just got on with her life and her two daughters. Grant you this is the UK and people like her get HUGE help from the goverment. She also works from home and is able to get those girls anything they want....you can do it.
Last edited by Raggy dee Ann; 12-22-2008 at 05:13 PM..
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Hi all - I need help in a big way. I'm in a very bad marriage. Husband is verbally abusive, can't control his temper, leaves house when even slightly irritated for many hours, curses in front of kids, calls me a b**** at the slightest hint of a disagreement. I can be a little bit of a nag sometimes (what woman isn't), hate it when he spends too much money (he put $8000 on a credit card in about 3 months on ... I'm not really sure on what). But I'm calm and rational, and want to rationally discuss things. My husband basically has tantrums over almost nothing, slamming doors, throwing things, etc. He refuses medication. He's not really physical abusive - will bump into me when passing me, head butted me once, screams in my face "f*** you" - but I'm just dumbfounded because these disagreements are actually very minor. I think he's pissed that he's being challenged or questioned about anything. His mother is extremely passive. He was married before - has son from previous marriage. Enough said.
