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Hi all - I need help in a big way. I'm in a very bad marriage. Husband is verbally abusive, can't control his temper, leaves house when even slightly irritated for many hours, curses in front of kids, calls me a b**** at the slightest hint of a disagreement. I can be a little bit of a nag sometimes (what woman isn't), hate it when he spends too much money (he put $8000 on a credit card in about 3 months on ... I'm not really sure on what). But I'm calm and rational, and want to rationally discuss things. My husband basically has tantrums over almost nothing, slamming doors, throwing things, etc. He refuses medication. He's not really physical abusive - will bump into me when passing me, head butted me once, screams in my face "f*** you" - but I'm just dumbfounded because these disagreements are actually very minor. I think he's pissed that he's being challenged or questioned about anything. His mother is extremely passive. He was married before - has son from previous marriage. Enough said.
I'd have left him long ago if not for my 2 kids. So here's the question: What are my chances at ever being remarried as a 44 year old woman (nice looking but not gorgeous, slim body more or less, but I'm interesting and fun and have a lot of good qualities I think, including cheerfully devoting myself 24/7 to my kids and husband, when he's being normal) with a 6 year old daughter and a 4-year-old autistic son who is very difficult but also sweet? I live in the Boston area, if that makes a difference. My father says forget it - stay with my husband as "What normal, successful guy would want to be with you?" (nice, huh) He has a point. I've never had any trouble attracting guys (they seem to like me, for some reason). But - well - I do come with a lot of baggage (namely my son).
Abuse is abuse. Verbal is just as bad if not worse some times than physical. You & your kids deserve better. There are a lot of great guys out there who will accept your son/kids.
As unpleasant as it may sound, my honest opinion is that you should weigh your marriage against the good possibility of you being alone with your kids. If it sounds better to you, go for it.
I think your marriage sounds awful. I dated a guy once who yelled at me like that - the relationship lasted about a month.
How would you be financially if you left him? Do you have a job that would support you and the kids?
Would you consider moving to someplace less costly (I know Boston is really expensive to live)
Look at Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy. Her son is autistic and he accepted her, baggage and all. (Please people, don't start with the "she was a Playboy Bunny" thing either. She's a Mom with an autistic son and they are in a good relationship from what I can tell on TV)
Good men are hard to find, but being alone with your kids for a while sounds better than staying with that jerk.
Its tough dealing with a family member who is really sick. I wouldn't be suprised if a lot of your husband's anger is just your husband misdirecting his anger and despression over the situation with his child at everyone else including you.
I would definitely try out some sort of couples counseling if he is willing to go or individual counseling if he isn't to see if you can improve the situation first. If he figures out better more appropiate ways of dealing with this anger, the relationship might still be saved.
But if that doesn't work then I think divorce may be your best option. What matters most is what is best for your kids. It isn't healthy for your kids to see either of you treating each other in the way that is happening write now. Your kids will pick up these behaviors and carry them into their own relationships.
Divorce is often a better choice for your kids than a very unhappy marriage. The longer you accept your husband's behavior, the more you are going to internalise his harmful comments. At somepoint, you won't have the emotional strength to leave him.
As for your ability to meet someone else. That has a lot to do with how much time and effort you are willing to put into extending yourself into a new relationship. There are other people out there and many of them are lonely to. If it was a priority I am sure you could find someone else to date and or marry.
But even if you didn't, you and your kids may very well be happier alone than with your husband the way he is right now.
His behavior is unacceptable. If he is willing to work on it, I would give him a chance. If he isn't I would move on. But you shouldn't stand for the present situation.
Every day you stay with this man, you show him and your children that you approve of his behavior, because you allow it.
Every day you stay, you subject your children and yourself to enslavement.
You teach your children and yourself that life stinks. That marriage stinks. That men stink.
That you are worth abusing.
That anger, rage, and uncontrolled manic ferocity are the way to be a man. Or an adult.
You are teaching your children how to be violent, enraged, ruthless, uncontrolled, and inhuman.
I advise you do not believe one thing this man says, get out immediately, do not look back, do not have any further contact with the violator, and remember that in many cases stabbing and bludgeoning murders are preceded by physical abuse which is preceded by head-butting and pushing, which are preceded by screaming, violent verbal abuse.
Your job right now is not to fantasize about a future for you. Your job right now is to protect your children and to protect yourself. Life is never about choosing the worst possible option simply because it's there -- life is about believing in the best possible option that you can't yet see, and moving your life toward that. Choose joy! It's why you came to this life. Choose love for your children. It's what they need from you.
Hi all - thanks so much for the advice. Regarding his finances - he makes enough money to support us without me working. And a lawyer told me that I would most likely not be forced to work because my son's various therapies, doctor's appointments, etc., prevent me from working, which is true. Although I'd be worried that my long term financial stability would be seriously threatened.
Also, I think his outbursts are only exacerbated by, not primarily caused by, our son. He had an anger problem in his first marriage, I found out later. True, our son causes a lot of stress. But my husband has a choice about how to deal with it.
Oh god, I just can't believe that this is my life. I've tried to work things out with him so many times, to try to get him to see that his behavior isn't normal, but he just won't admit it. You see, I'm the "nag" who "repeats herself." That's all he can really accuse me of! And I just cannot stand the cursing, the craziness. He's also a workaholic, and I think manic (cyclothymic, to be precise). But the thought of being alone for the rest of my life terrifies me to no end. I just want a normal life.
What do the guys think... would you older guys date a 44 year old with an autistic son?
Also, thanks Ed. That makes a lot of sense. We've been to couples counseling, but he's a master at seeming really normal and mellow when he has to, and I come off as the nut who's trying to convince the counselor that he has a serious problem. You see, I think he's somewhat narcissistic - he thinks he's incredibly gifted, and a great husband (because he's able to support us well financially), a great lawyer, unbelievably talented in writing and speaking, etc..... So, if he acts like a nutcase, it MUST be because he was pushed to it by me - so his thinking goes. Only he goes nutso also when I say nothing, do nothing. He's always losing things, he's always sick, always late ... always drama in our house!! I'm so sick of it.
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Hi all - I need help in a big way. I'm in a very bad marriage. Husband is verbally abusive, can't control his temper, leaves house when even slightly irritated for many hours, curses in front of kids, calls me a b**** at the slightest hint of a disagreement. I can be a little bit of a nag sometimes (what woman isn't), hate it when he spends too much money (he put $8000 on a credit card in about 3 months on ... I'm not really sure on what). But I'm calm and rational, and want to rationally discuss things. My husband basically has tantrums over almost nothing, slamming doors, throwing things, etc. He refuses medication. He's not really physical abusive - will bump into me when passing me, head butted me once, screams in my face "f*** you" - but I'm just dumbfounded because these disagreements are actually very minor. I think he's pissed that he's being challenged or questioned about anything. His mother is extremely passive. He was married before - has son from previous marriage. Enough said.
