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I also think that the importance of the s/o's family dynamics depends on if you are the woman and also what your personality is like. Traditionally, in most cultures the husband is the head of the household. Even if the family is very Americanized, the man may still rule the roost. Or with other cultures, there is a behind the scenes matriarch. The Chinese are like this. Publicly, the men are in charge, but it's a dragon lady mom running the household... including the female in-laws'. My friend who was married to a Frenchman for over twenty years, finally divorced her husband once all her sons were grown up and graduated from college. She lost to his controlling mother, even her friends said so. And about personality, if one is not naturally an alpha, and prefers not to have to fight to gain territory, or is someone that hates conflicts in general, obviously it's important to steer clear of marrying into a situation full of potential conflict. Another friend of mine married a woman that his mother didn't approve. His mom hated that wife to the point of eventually cutting him out of the will completely. And every year, he would suffer stomach ailments around the holidays. It took him a long time to realize that these problems were caused by the toxic family dynamics and wasn't just some mid-winter bug.
Family background matters a lot, in my opinion. Understanding the dynamics of the other's family, can provide a great deal of knowledge possible he/she may have with relationships.
My ex came from a family that was headed by a domineering SOB, and his mom scurried around the house every day before he got home to make sure everything was "just so". (My ex didn't tell me this, his mom did.) I knew some of this before we married, and I married him anyway. He hated his dad, and swore he would never be like him. Ha. At least I knew where the controlling behavior (and GOD was he ever) came from.
If a person has been brought up with certain values that are the opposite of mine, it can be a deal breaker for me. The family itself isn't the issue. According to an opinion research studies ‘It's important to learn where each person has come from because, no matter how hard we try, we generally take something from our parents, both good and bad.’
I had a very dysfunctional and horrifying childhood. My dad had become an abusive alcoholic, my mother was whacked, one sister was an absolute lunatic.. I witnessed beatings, my dad coming after us with knives in a drunken rage.. We were routinely broke because my dad was too drunk to work after 2-3 month binges… A total train wreck of a family. My only solace was school and Scouting…
I started dating my wife waaaay back in high school. She had an extremely stable family (and quite financially sound). Dad was head of the computer science and mathematics Dept at the Univ., mom was a devoted 'mom'.. No arguments, no yelling- we'd sit around the dinner table for HOURS talking about current events, history, and *gasp* math.....
Her parents were fully aware of what was going on at my home and what my upbringing was like, and they never once passed judgment or discouraged their daughter from dating me. As a matter of fact her father, who was not one to speak w/out great consideration, told me he admired my strength and courage to withstand what I was going through.
Thank-God, because my wife and I have been married for 19 years and together for over 25, with nothing but love and admiration for each other. Our kids are happy, our family strong, and we look forward to growing old together.
This whole 'let's predispose this person because of their background' mentality is total bunk. I pity those who have to include in their ‘list of requirements’ correct family background in order to choose their soul mates.
In fact, you may be the lesser of those you judge.
I have 10 brothers and sisters. I love my parents, my siblings, and my millions of nieces and nephews, and great nephews. We are the type that will get together and crack jokes on each other, or wrestle, before we’ll hug and kiss. That’s just how we were raised. And we all turned out to be productive members of society. I try to talk to my mom at least once a week, with my siblings it may be fewer and far between, but when it’s time to do something ‘family’, we are there.
My girl’s immediate family is more tighter than my family. They spend a lot of time together. I like her father a whole lot. Her mom’s a sweetheart. She has all sisters, and they spend a lot of time at their parents’ house. I don’t think the parents mind. They are the type of family that will go on vacation together and all of that. Her brothers in law also go on the trips.
My girl has talked about the time when I’ll be able to join along with these activities. When she first said that, it totally turned me off. I guess I tend to think pessimistically, so I just assumed that this meant every weekend or free moment I’ll be in their presence. That’s not the case, but I’m definitely not going to be dragged to every function her family has. I don’t mind doing some things with them, but I’m the type that doesn’t need to be out and about all the time, and since she and I are the primary family unit in our relationship, they have to take a backseat.
And the differences in family backgrounds have produced some problems. Being that I’m not the affectionate type, and my approach to her is in line with how I treat my family, she’s felt sometimes that I’ve been harsh or mean. This is the same girl who likes to talk about how tough she is. LOL. Of course, I’ve learned to deal with her accordingly, but that issue surfaces from time to time.
The more I get to know her family, the more I do like them, and she likes mine, even though two of my sisters threatened her with bodily harm the first time they were officially introduced. I see some similarities in them as well. Some good ones. So we’ll see where it goes.
I had a very dysfunctional and horrifying childhood. My dad had become an abusive alcoholic, my mother was whacked, one sister was an absolute lunatic.. I witnessed beatings, my dad coming after us with knives in a drunken rage.. We were routinely broke because my dad was too drunk to work after 2-3 month binges… A total train wreck of a family. My only solace was school and Scouting…
I started dating my wife waaaay back in high school. She had an extremely stable family (and quite financially sound). Dad was head of the computer science and mathematics Dept at the Univ., mom was a devoted 'mom'.. No arguments, no yelling- we'd sit around the dinner table for HOURS talking about current events, history, and *gasp* math.....
Her parents were fully aware of what was going on at my home and what my upbringing was like, and they never once passed judgment or discouraged their daughter from dating me. As a matter of fact her father, who was not one to speak w/out great consideration, told me he admired my strength and courage to withstand what I was going through.
Thank-God, because my wife and I have been married for 19 years and together for over 25, with nothing but love and admiration for each other. Our kids are happy, our family strong, and we look forward to growing old together.
This whole 'let's predispose this person because of their background' mentality is total bunk. I pity those who have to include in their ‘list of requirements’ correct family background in order to choose their soul mates.
In fact, you may be the lesser of those you judge.
The important difference in YOUR case is that you were aware of how dysfunctional your family way, and you conscious made an effort to get away from that. In addition, you had the chance to spend many long hours associating with her parents and family, which also helped negate the bad influences of your family situation.
BTW in your 19 years of marital bliss, how well does your family blend in with hers? How did you resolve your family's dysfunctions? Did your family seek therapy for their issues? Or did you just shut them permanently out of your life?
However... not everyone from a dysfunctional family realizes their dysfunction. And then of the situations where it's not dysfunction but rather just a vastly different family dynamic due to their culture, you end up with people who think that their upbringing was fine and normal, they clash with their s/o's way of family living, and both think that they don't need to compromise or change.
It's not that one person's family background is better, it's more that adults can't change who they are, and those of opposite backgrounds end up with too many conflicts that can't be resolved happily. So as one is screening for people to date seriously, it is important to see how they relate to their families. Just in case, their way of life is too different to have a happy life together.
You've gotta be kidding me. Screening for people to date seriously?
How well my family 'blends in' is completely irrelevant to my relationship with my wife. And I didn't seek out or 'screen' my girlfriend at the time because she lived in Ozzie and Harriet land.
I guess when you are in love, and married- you accept the terms 'for better or for worse' w/out much debate on whether or not your families will blend or what your childhood was like.
At least that's how I thought it was supposed to work.
At one point, Mrs. CPG said, "Well, my mom thinks we should put in a new patio rather than paint the house," to which I said, "Well, if you're mother's opinion matters more than mine, then we have a big problem."
CPG, you should have allowed your MIL to install a new patio while you painted the house(with her money, of course!)...I mean, you wouldn't want to disappoint her
I had a very dysfunctional and horrifying childhood. My dad had become an abusive alcoholic, my mother was whacked, one sister was an absolute lunatic.. I witnessed beatings, my dad coming after us with knives in a drunken rage.. We were routinely broke because my dad was too drunk to work after 2-3 month binges… A total train wreck of a family. My only solace was school and Scouting…
I started dating my wife waaaay back in high school. She had an extremely stable family (and quite financially sound). Dad was head of the computer science and mathematics Dept at the Univ., mom was a devoted 'mom'.. No arguments, no yelling- we'd sit around the dinner table for HOURS talking about current events, history, and *gasp* math.....
Her parents were fully aware of what was going on at my home and what my upbringing was like, and they never once passed judgment or discouraged their daughter from dating me. As a matter of fact her father, who was not one to speak w/out great consideration, told me he admired my strength and courage to withstand what I was going through.
Thank-God, because my wife and I have been married for 19 years and together for over 25, with nothing but love and admiration for each other. Our kids are happy, our family strong, and we look forward to growing old together.
This whole 'let's predispose this person because of their background' mentality is total bunk. I pity those who have to include in their ‘list of requirements’ correct family background in order to choose their soul mates.
In fact, you may be the lesser of those you judge.
Wonderful! You and many others are exceptions. Their are men with backgrounds like yours doing life in prison and there are those who have chosen a better life and kudos to you all.
I almost married someone with a very similiar background. His mother abandoned he and his sister who were later adopted by a baptist minister and his wife who mentally and physically abused him but not the sister. There was something about his mother having an affair with the preacher (yeah small town Texas) . He was a sweet guy not in the least violent, he was very gentle, not given to cussing (unlike me) but he had a problem with telling tall tales and he drank and was manic depressive. After 7 years I couldn't take the ups and downs of his manic depression and he not doing anything about it. It meant when he was too depressed to work, even handle day to day activities I had to handle every thing. I paid for every thing and took care of him
I'd never over look anyone who came from the same sort of home as you or he did, but being unwilling to make an effort, seek professional help or take responsibility of your own life would be a no no for me.
Last edited by Raggy dee Ann; 02-09-2009 at 11:43 AM..
You've gotta be kidding me. Screening for people to date seriously?
How well my family 'blends in' is completely irrelevant to my relationship with my wife. And I didn't seek out or 'screen' my girlfriend at the time because she lived in Ozzie and Harriet land.
I guess when you are in love, and married- you accept the terms 'for better or for worse' w/out much debate on whether or not your families will blend or what your childhood was like.
At least that's how I thought it was supposed to work.
And... that's why the divorce rate in the US is so high. It's not smart to let your judgment be completely clouded by your hormones.
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At least I knew where the controlling behavior (and GOD was he ever) came from.
