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Pam, I got a plan for way out. Even had to take time to save you know what, for apt.
But its tough.
I guess I am venting here.
Did anyone here go through divorce, that stressed them out to gills? I am sure it is never easy at all. Marriage feels like bondage to me. On top of this, I am a Christian, and I delayed getting divorce, he was less abusive in years past, due to believing I should stick it out.
Everyone needs to vent. This is a safe place to do it. I'm happy that you have a plan and are carrying it out. You probably have explained the situation to your mother but try again. Invite her over, maybe she'll see for herself and change her mind.
You spent 15 years 'wasting your life' with this person.... imagine how free 15 years will feel living as your own person.
My wife was divorced when we met eight years ago. She left that marriage after filing bankrupcy with nothing but the clothes on her back. She spent 7 years with a guy who sounds very much like her husband. Next month we celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary. We have a great life and have built a beautiful home. I'm sure she doesn't regret her choice in the slightest.
You're frustrated now, but remember... divorces isn't about what your losing, it's all about what your gaining.
Divorces are always a little sad. You have so much love and hope in the beginning of a marriage, and divorcing means you've given up on all of it. We see it as a defeat. Well, sometimes we've just got to admit defeat and start over.
I put off my divorce for 20 years. Like you, my religion was part of the reason, coupled with the children and financial considerations. But it was a mistake. My life has been so much fuller since the divorce, I've kicked myself repeatedly for not doing it sooner. And as much as my ex was against it, I know it was better for her too.
If you have any assets as a couple, don't give up too many of them. I gave my ex most of what we had, just as my wife gave most of what she had to her ex. Now our ex's are on easy street and we're struggling to keep the bills paid. It's a common mistake when we want out so bad. Be fair to him, but be fair to yourself too.
You spent 15 years 'wasting your life' with this person.... imagine how free 15 years will feel living as your own person.
My wife was divorced when we met eight years ago. She left that marriage after filing bankrupcy with nothing but the clothes on her back. She spent 7 years with a guy who sounds very much like her husband. Next month we celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary. We have a great life and have built a beautiful home. I'm sure she doesn't regret her choice in the slightest.
You're frustrated now, but remember... divorces isn't about what your losing, it's all about what your gaining.
Thanks OCNY.
I guess God will be choosing where I go, whatever disabled housing comes up first, applying in Ohio, have some in small Michigan towns--tried to choose ones that are not dying.
I know things will be tough on me divorcing, I am disabled, I do not know if I ever can remarry, as I am pretty sick, and most men are not looking for disabled wives with serious health problems. But who knows where life could go after leaving? I know I need to work on self while still stuck here too, but I am hoping to move on to better life.
Divorces are always a little sad. You have so much love and hope in the beginning of a marriage, and divorcing means you've given up on all of it. We see it as a defeat. Well, sometimes we've just got to admit defeat and start over.
I put off my divorce for 20 years. Like you, my religion was part of the reason, coupled with the children and financial considerations. But it was a mistake. My life has been so much fuller since the divorce, I've kicked myself repeatedly for not doing it sooner. And as much as my ex was against it, I know it was better for her too.
If you have any assets as a couple, don't give up too many of them. I gave my ex most of what we had, just as my wife gave most of what she had to her ex. Now our ex's are on easy street and we're struggling to keep the bills paid. It's a common mistake when we want out so bad. Be fair to him, but be fair to yourself too.
There are no assets.
Last edited by Marka; 06-08-2009 at 11:25 AM..
Reason: per request
Please ask for the presence of Jesus to help solve your marital issues.
Ive asked.
I am a Christian.
Discerning God's Will in this stuff has been hard. He is an unbeliever. He has not cheated as far as I know. I have not cheated either, though I got tempted to date a few times for FRIENDS, in prayer God told me to not even mess around with trying to find "platonic friends" out of lonlieness.
1 Corinthians 7 says about unbelievers being "pleased" to live with you. I dont know how "pleased" he is if his anger got this out of control. I am openly talking about how maybe seperation and divorce will benefit him even. I am not tiptoeing around him anymore. He knows I have looked for and applied for housing. I have serious medical and other problems so it is not all his fault. I wish there was more help for me in social work world but I guess there are so many desperate people, they see me as having a decent enough roof over my head, and he is not beating me up. {just have to wait out housing lists} I would call cops if he tried anything again.
One thing about this marriage, we were happily married for 8 yeras; which it seems in domestic abuse, is rare, at the shelter, most of the women there, the men were psychos from the get-go. I think in our case both of us had nervous breakdowns at the same time, from severe economic pressure. He did have the wherewithall to enter abusers counseling being the only non-court ordered one in there.
. He had faults, like immaturity and showed temper on rare occasions, but we GOT ALONG GREAT. That is what is so weird. Friends are shocked to even hear me speak of divorce because they saw us as a very bonded couple for years and we were.
. I think we have outgrown each other. The main reason we are even together right now is economic...we fulfill that article I read where I talked about couples who got divorced being together. We have no children. Lately I am even asking what is the reason for this marriage? We do work in tandem on household stuff. He does help me so he is not 100% jerk;does all my laundry. But I am praying to God now about what to do, and where to go. Even asking God where to live?
The Bible says do not return evil for evil, so I am being nice to himwhich may shock some people.But it makes my life more peaceful.
I have told him maybe we can live out as roommates while each partner prepares for future alone and growing in independence. We both have dire problems. I do not want to see him living under a bridge, which he could be if I depart, and for me, finding decent housing and having very stable outcome because of my houseboundness and bad health. I am not into scorched earth divorces, I do know I have to take care of self first and foremost and really he is sick too.
Last edited by WheredoIlive?; 04-07-2009 at 06:49 AM..
WheredoIlive, your circumstances are distressing. From where I can tell, any change will be a good change at this point.
Yeah it stinks. I have to wait out any housing. He has been nice lately but could just be honeymoon stuff: Mr Hyde could make his nasty appearance again, but I still do not trust him [fact of matter is abuse kills trust fast], and would be stupid too, and need to look out for myself because no one else will. Need to work on as much independence as I can here. What is sad, is he does have good side, sometimes we can talk,but I need to take this day by day.
I am a bit overwhelmed not knowing if I can survive on my own, financially we are just making it now. We are in stuck together roommate mode, I am trying to be nice to him which makes my life easier, but still taking care of self first and foremost.
One reason I am still here. Is no place to go. Too sick to risk shelter living, social workers well, unless you are getting the crap beat out of you, it is not considered an emergency. {He hasnt beaten me, has done more low level abuse, except for one light slap, hasnt touched me in 6-8 months} I am glad I stood up for self to lower abuse and he did go into abusers counseling. But I know I have to become as independent as possible, make more money, etc, no one is going to save me, and the social work world is so overwhelmed its not funny. We have moved into a kind of roommate mode for now.
Last edited by WheredoIlive?; 04-07-2009 at 06:50 AM..
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