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If the dynamics of the relationship do not change, why wouldn't the person cheat again? I love how people think that only the cheating person is in the wrong. YES the person is wrong, BUT there is something wrong with or lacking in the relationship for someone to feel the need to go outside of the relationship.
If there is cheating, the couple needs to sit down and figure out why and if things can be changed so BOTH people are satisfied with the relationship. Otherwise, there will be cheating again.
The cheating person is the one who is wrong. They cheated. The non cheating person didn't cheat. The only way the non cheating person is in the wrong is if it's possible to make someone else cheat and it isn't. Either they're inclined to cheat or they're not inclined to cheat no matter what else might be wrong/right with the relationship.
The argument that their mate must have done something to make them cheat is just making excuses for wrong behavior. No one makes you cheat. If you're not happy with your relationship, there are other ways to deal with that unhappiness besides cheating.
No, not really. I think it can be age-related, to some extent.
I think people in their 20s (college, grad school) might cheat (while many don't) but if they're still cheating in their 40s and upward, then it's kind of sad.
I would like for those of you debating on this so called axiom to offer advice on my situation.
After a 1.5 year engagement, I married and moved to another country with my husband. We have been married for less than 2 years. In November, he told me that he cheated on me during the last 6-8 months of our engagement. He claimed that the other women didn't mean anything (there were 2), and that he is finally ready to settle down and be middle aged. The only reason he told me was because he thought I already knew because I was really angry about something else (finding usb drives with pornographic pictures and sex stories) and I bluffed. Even with all that he did tell me he was still lying to me. He said that one of the women he slept with was a long-time friend who came into town for a visit and that she knew that he was in a relationship. WRONG!
He was in a long-distance relationship with this woman and for whatever reason she was willing to accept that he never invited her back to his house when she came for a visit. They had sex in her hotel room. There shared phone calls, emails, and phone-sex the whole time he and I were together. He didn't tell her about me until a few months after our marriage when we'd moved out of the U.S., and they have still been in contact via email and phone calls (she would call his office) after he told her that he cheated on her and married someone else. The other relationship was much more casual. He and the second woman worked in the same building and had sex in their offices. He claims that he didn't meet up with her often like that's supposed to make it less offensive. Like the fact that he wasn't meeting her every day is supposed to make me feel better about any of it. From what I've read, some of you really hate cheaters and the some of you are more forgiving. I don't know which camp I fall into. I have been trying to make it work for the past few months even though I am certain that he is capable of doing it again. He says that he hasn't cheated since we've been married.
On top of all this I know that up until December he was also in contact with other ex-girlfriends and he didn't tell them when he got engaged or married. That doesn't sound like someone who is ready to be a husband and father to me. We don't have any children but he has been bringing up the fact that he feels ready to have kids ever since he finally spilled the beans about the other women. Before then there was always one excuse or another as to why we shouldn't have kids just yet.
Being up front and honest about future indiscretions (if any) and cutting off his relationship with his ex-girlfriends who were still interested in him were the 2 things I asked him to do when I agreed to try and work things out. He interpreted my 2nd request to mean that it was okay to reply to one or more emails as long as he didn't initiate the contact and as long as he informed them that he was indeed a married man. Now that they know, he doesn't want to give up those relationships and feels that it is weird that I want him to shut out his "friends". Maybe I am weird, but he doesn't get to have it both ways. He can email, phone up and chat with all the women he wants to if he is willing to go back to being single.
I'm interested in finding out what other people think about this situation. Since he's cheated on me before is he likely to cheat on me again? Or, am I just being paranoid.
With so much history, I definitely don’t think you are paranoid. And since you are asking “is he more likely to cheat again” rather than “is he going to cheat again”, I can’t really say no because apparently, it is more possible for him to cheat than a person who has never cheated.
I do give credit for him to confess to you although it sounds more like he was using that “I thought you knew” as a cope-out to make himself less guilty of hiding the fact from you. It is both good and bad though because it seems like another way to tell you “you already saw some hints and still chose to stick around, so you should have known what you were getting into”. It helps set the ground for him to “keep in touch” with the other women. It seems like instead of continuing to hide his ****, he wants to “come out”. Why would he not only refuse to cut ties with them, but ALSO even told you about it, is a very interesting gesture. Think about it
I think the thought of having kids is irrelevant for a married guy to decide if he is going to cheat again though. He already married you. Of course he wanted to stay in the marriage, regardless of kids. But does he want to stay in it the way you want him to, is a completely different story. Many married men have recurrent affairs throughout their lives but they would never want to get a divorce for a number of reasons. And many wives suck it up for a number of reasons too. Life is complicated, and giving up everything and relocating to a foreign place won’t help either.
Knowing they cheat is enough to know you don't want to be in a personal relationship with them. They can have other wonderful qualities but having to wonder, every time they're gone, for the rest of your life kind of saps the wind out of your sails.
I caught my ex fiance before we got married with someone else. I just took off my engagement ring, gave it to her and left. He cheated. That's all I needed to know. Someone who, truely, loves you won't cheat on you. So why would you want to give them another chance?
Cheating is not a mistake. It's something done very deliberately, with forethought and, usually, actions to hide it.
This is not always true....knowing someone has cheated in the past doesnt mean that its 1) something that they do often/or that it has/will happened more than once. 2) If you judge a person by their past actions no matter how long ago those actions were you will be really lonely really quick. EVERYBODY HAS DONE SOMETHING THAT WOULD BE CONSIDERED UNACCEPTABLE TO ANOTHER PERSON. Everybody has skeletons in their closet...so ppl souldnt be so quick in casting stones upon others. For me knowing a person cheatedg in the past doenst automatically mean you are a disgrace and should be shunnned from existance. But I would want to find out the circumstances around the affair etc etc...Everthing in life isnt so black and white...a once time instance can be for given but a whole other relationship wont be tolerated......but alot of times the person being cheated on isnt always in the clear either.
BTW I have never cheated on anyone although I have been cheated on
I can tell you the answer. Most women who are cheated on...tend to get revenge. They want the man to feel the same pain. However, it's not the same feeling for men.
When a man cheats he is fulfilling a need for a sexual encounter. That's all. A woman needs the feelings of being loved and wanted..la dee dah.
However, there is a time that some women will go out and do the sexual encounter just to tick off their SO. They would do their brother if it means getting even.
Its a shame, but the only two people I know that cheated on thier wives, kept on looking and playing the field...(I dont know if they actually had sex with anyone else, but, they always gave it thier best attempt!)...
If my Daughter ever got involved with a 'playa'...I would advise her against it! It seems that some men just dont have any morals or values and you cant even beat it into them!
In marriage it is the cheating person in the wrong. There doesn't always have to be anything lacking in the non-cheater for someone to go outside the marriage. Many if not most or all cheaters love the thrill the high, sexual excitement is like a drug.
Non-cheaters make up their mind they aren't going to cheat and that's that. They don't invent excuses why they should cheat, they don't open up opportunities to cheat and they don't believe cheating will send a message to the other to straighten up or else.
But honestly when it comes to situations like that then that person would still have themselves to blame...If you are with someone who just cheats for the hell of it then they were like that all along and you just chose to ignore it especially if it happens more than once. People love to point fingers and pass on blame but at the end of the day if a relationship didnt work its because of too people not just one. If a person cheats then the person cheated on needs to take a step back and look at the situation.....why did that person cheat? Am I going to stay or leave? Etc Etc. There is no one rule for all people even if you do put them in a group. Also ppl like to play the victim..."I cant belive this has happend" Um I can!!!! The signs were all there!!!
Could you define "a once time instance" and "a whole other relationship"?
pretty cut and dry to me..
one time = one night stand, perhaps on a trip, etc.
whole other relationship = an ongoing affair with multiple and regular encounters.
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