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Men cheat for all different reasons, but your fellow sounds very self-absorbed. Sounds like it's all about him. He may even be a sex addict, where he likes doing it with lots of different women. He is keeping the door open so he can be assured more he can get his fix when needed. I don't think you can help him. But maybe, just maybe, when you've had enough, you'll move on.
Men cheat for all different reasons, but your fellow sounds very self-absorbed. Sounds like it's all about him. He may even be a sex addict, where he likes doing it with lots of different women. He is keeping the door open so he can be assured more he can get his fix when needed. I don't think you can help him. But maybe, just maybe, when you've had enough, you'll move on.
my counselor (thanks to him i needed one) says he's a predator and a sex addict. they say that you switch addictions and i think that when he stopped drinking and drugging he turned to sex and working and buying guitars. he says he just loves women...says he's like his dad...says that he could happily live in a house with the 3 of us--me, his wife, the friend/coworker. writing that i see how sick/jerry springerish this is and its sort of embarrassing now that i see it in black and white. thing is...the other women...i've seen most of them...and this coworker too...and they are either unattractive or bipoloar or alcoholic. another friend says that maybe he's afraid to get too close to me cause deep down he's afraid that i'll stop with him and he knows i'm better than this. sort of like the girl in high school he wanted but couldn't get. i don't know..that sounds vain in a way and i'm not really. he loves to be needed and he said i was the only one that didn't have problems...or at least i didn't til i met him. hey..woof woof woof..thats cute..thanks for replying. i'm new to this and it could help.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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There were many vows taken at the alter, not just fidelity. There are many ways to break those vows, not just infidelity. In some cases, vows were broken long before infidelity began.
...another friend says that maybe he's afraid to get too close to me cause deep down he's afraid that i'll stop with him and he knows i'm better than this. sort of like the girl in high school he wanted but couldn't get. i don't know..that sounds vain in a way and i'm not really. he loves to be needed and he said i was the only one that didn't have problems...or at least i didn't til i met him.
I know how tempting it is to try and figure him out, but what is more important is that you look at your own behavior. Sometimes we need to do things until they hurt so much that we finally look for a way out.
I know how tempting it is to try and figure him out, but what is more important is that you look at your own behavior. Sometimes we need to do things until they hurt so much that we finally look for a way out.
W.
EXACTLY my point
It makes no difference WHY this creep is the way he is - what she needs to do is focus on extricating herself from such an unhealthy situation and deal with her own stuff - not his.
i have a 'friend' who is married. he and i have been in an on and off again and on again relationship for going on 4 years. he's a musician and recovered alcoholic/junkie. when we first met, he came on very strong...and i held back. then when i fell in love with him, he found a reason to stop with me. we got back together...for a year and a half, i thought i was the only one he was extra-curricularly involved with. i had been very sheltered and was very naive. then, i got smart and found out that he had lots of others. he finally admitted it to me. said he was an old hippie and thats just the way he was. said he didn't tell me cause he didn't want to hurt me. so...we just recently got back together after 2 months apart--the longest time ever. he works with his wife and another woman. he is now involved in an affair with this other woman at work who also happens to be his wife's really good friend. he says she's one of his best friends. she even went on vacation with them. when i saw him for the first time after 2 months, he couldn't leave me alone. i asked him was he going to continue the affair with his wife's friend and he said he couldnt see ever stopping with her. yet he says he loves me too...loves all three of us. i'm just so...i don't even know the word for this...can't even digest it. when he and his wife first got together years ago she was involved with a man who was into group sex. so when he and his wife got married they continued that for a while. he says to him its nothing. yet he really doesn't like that i have someone else too. this man is in his 50's. could this attitude toward women have something to do with a personality disorder?
well, which personality disorder? i think largely that psychiatry is too arbitrary.
he just likes sex, or doesn't believe in monogamy. hardly symptoms of mental illness....
Gosh. What an awful situation to be involved in. I do feel for you. On the same note, I was thinking after reading your opening post, "Well, how horrible. He obviously has a different value system than you do and that will never change. It doesn't make him wrong, but it makes him wrong for you." But then I read that you were married.
Honestly, have to tell ya, though I'm sure you've heard... religious or not, there's something to this karma thing. Or so ye sow so shall ye reap. I think you enter situations for a reason and there's something to be learned there. And, in the process of moving on, surely you will become stronger and more self aware. Good for you for searching. However, one of the hardest things to do - but also necessary IME - is to stop thinking about his motivations/issues/[whatever you want to call them]. The fact is that this situation has generated a lot of negative energy for you (not to mention possibly hurting other loved ones in your life), so it is in your best interest to move past him. I think one of the best ways to do this is to move past thinking about him (try "NEXT" when he pops in) and stop trying to resolve his behavior (e.g., make excuses) for him.
I personally have found that every time I did that with an ex (analysed someone's motives and imagined what they were thinking) it was because I wanted to reconcile my conflict with them so I could continue to see them. Or I wanted to problematize them so I wouldn't feel like such a rug for putting up with them. Maybe your motives are different and constructive, but mine were not. You're better off spending your time looking at yourself than thinking about him. Of course, it's not easy. But great growth doesn't come easily, does it?
I personally have found that every time I did that with an ex (analysed someone's motives and imagined what they were thinking) it was because I wanted to reconcile my conflict with them so I could continue to see them. Or I wanted to problematize them so I wouldn't feel like such a rug for putting up with them. Maybe your motives are different and constructive, but mine were not. You're better off spending your time looking at yourself than thinking about him. Of course, it's not easy. But great growth doesn't come easily, does it?[/quote]
i think you hit it on the head..never thought about it this way til i read your post. its weird...reading the replies to my thread...made me see him in a different light. as you pointed out, and seeing it in black and white, i've been trying to find a way to resolve being with him...to find a way to not be a bad person for being with him. he does have a lot of issues from childhood, but so do a lot of people and they don't treat people like this. at one time, if he had asked, i would have left my home, everything, for him. i'm at a place finally where i'm glad that didn't happen. i appreciate all the posts and replies...cause you keep something inside for so long, you get to where you can't see it for what it really is.
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