Questions about a passive stepson (loving, husband, older, family)
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I would try to understand each child for who he is as an individual, and not judge him by your own harsh set of standards. Kids have really good reasons for doing whatever it is they do. When we seek to understand our children (rather than calling them names, insulting them, or judging them with our own knee-jerk reactions)
Some people see violence as a show of love, a show of caring, a solution to whatever is going on.
Others see violence as something else altogether and seek to avoid it.
Offhand it sounds like "your" kids are right and good to you, and your stepson is wrong and bad to you. That's a pretty harsh view on your part. As a parent of 3 sons, all with very different personalities and approaches to life, i can see you are in for an unhappy relationship unless you are willing to take the time and effort to try and understand your step-son and understand him and accept him for who he is.
We do our kids a grave disservice when we demand and expect they fulfill what we think they SHOULD be. We give our kids and ourselves a great gift when we seek to know them, understand their views of life, their reasons for doing what they do, and accept them for who they are.
Best wishes.
I appreciate your points of view. And I agree with most of them. But don't you think that as parents our job is to raise our children to not sit around when they are being mistreated? And to come to the defense of family members in need?
Your youngest son hit the 15 yr old in the stomach that should do the trick. Moreover, your older step son is just scared... just tell him that he should stand up for himself. That you would not get mad if he stands up for himself. Wow and this happened in front of your house.. Wow.. He shoulda grab a bat or something LOL.
Thank you! I figured a lot more people would think like this...at least to some extent.
I've raised stepson since he was three. He's known my son for as long as he can remember. And I've never been the type to press charges. I've always been the type to settle it in the 'school yard' and press on. Which was a big reason I didn't want to go talk to the kids parents myself.
In the best interests of your marriage and family life you would do well to tread carefully with your stepson on this. If you ridicule him or express your disappontment at this choice to stay on the sidelines you'll do long term harm to your relationship with him. You are entitled to your feelings about what happened, he is entitled to have reacted the way he did.
It's possible that he'd never experienced anything like this before and didn't know how to react. Since you're new in his life, you don't know what other adults might have advised him regarding other people's fights, or what experiences he may have had. Maybe he once tried to break up a fight and both kids turned on him ---it happens.
I think you should set aside your anger. It serves no purpose. Instead, calmly instruct him on what you think he should do if this situation ever comes up again. Be the parent.
I think you should be yelling at YOUR son on why he did not walk away.
thank you for this and I agree
it sounds like the values and behaviors that are praised by the father are violence, the message sent is beating people up is the answer.
To me that's a pretty dangerous message to be teaching kids. And trying to please dad by doing what he wants, they also see it as the way to get dad's love. because it's clear from your message you equate using violence with love
Now at age 8, age 9, age 15, it is hitting with fists.
But in a few more years, when they are 18 and 20 and 25, the person they hit could very well pull a gun or knife and shoot or stab your kids (whom you have taught that fighting is the solution, fighting is the way to show love, fighting is the way to win love) and then your kids are dead because you've taught them as children that violence and attack are the answer. Rather then teaching your children mature disciplined life skills that would keep them safe, sane, and sensible, such as how to stay out of stupid dangerous situations in the first place, how to deal with anger, how to stay away from rather than engage in violence.
is that what you really want to teach your kids?
because that is asking for trouble, violence, attack, and harm for your children and your loved ones. It's just a matter of time.
And if one of those kids is a girl, and you teach her to hit and get in fights, and tell her that is what love is about, then don't be surprised when she is in a domestic violence situation herself with her boyfriend or husband or lover beating her up because he loves her so much and just got jealous, or loves her so much he just can't control his anger, when she does something that gets him mad
that's what daddy taught her after all, that's what love is about, that's what you do to show love
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 07-22-2009 at 12:07 PM..
I appreciate your points of view. And I agree with most of them. But don't you think that as parents our job is to raise our children to not sit around when they are being mistreated? And to come to the defense of family members in need?
i teach my children to stay out of dangerous situations, and go get help when someone needs it. I teach them to be smart and calm and effective in helping others. In any crisis, the people who are the most help to others are the ones who can assess and act from a calm reasoned place. The ones who do the most damage to themselves and others, who are in effect pouring gasoline on the fire, are the ones who lose their temper, can't think straight, and blow up.
Think about health care (i work in health care)...who do you want helping you in the emergency room when a crisis breaks out? The crazy guy running around screaming waving his arms swearing hitting everywhere? Or the calm mature disciplined smart person who knows how to diffuse a situation, calm people down, keep other people from getting hurt further? I certainly feel safer with the people who know how to diffuse a dangerous violent situation, rather than create one, make one worse, or jump right into the fray and endanger others, and in the process create even more damage.
Violence has nothing to do with love. Maturity and discipline and intelligence and the ability to not be a powder keg in emotional situation is how we protect those we love.
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 07-22-2009 at 12:09 PM..
I found out who the parents were, and I asked my wife to handle it. I was too pissed off to go have a civilized conversation with the kid's parents. My wife didn't go to his parents because...she said...the 15 year old would say self defense and not get in trouble.</p>
Oh, and relationship ender...not just off of this one event. That's just how angry I got. So, you're probably right. There is something wrong with me.
I whole-heartedly agree with the majority of posts so far which I think have made some very valid points which I hope will make sense to you. However, and with all due respect, it seems that you have an anger issue which needs to be addressed, viz that you were too angry to go and talk to the 15 year old's parents and that you're still fuming four days later. Obviously the alternative of asking your wife to go didn't work out as she backed right off with a lame excuse, and nothing has been resolved.
Do you know WHY the 15 year old was beating up your son or even why he was in your yard? Have you discussed any of this with your wife and the three children?
You all need to sit down quietly together and start being upfront and honest - but don't go there unless you can control your temper and, if you can't control your temper then get some outside help. There seem to be bigger issues involved than one fight and obviously the stability and integrity of your family unit is in jeopardy right now. Good luck!
I'd have to think I'd be pissed off too, but I think you need to examine your kid's and your relationship with your stepson. Has he been treated the same or is he sometimes on the outside? In other words, has he developed a family bond with the younger kids?
It's been shown that most people will not get involved when they see two strangers fighting in what might be an abusive relationship. Your stepson may in some ways think he's a stranger to his siblings and was reluctant to get involved. It may be something as simple as he's viewed differently because he goes to visit his father or maybe he isn't included immediately with the others.
I think what's in order is to explain to him what his options are if it happens again to his siblings or even complete strangers. If he's reluctant to get involved because he might get hurt, offer him self-defense training to build his confidence (explain when it's appropriate t use it). I think it's far from a relationship ender.
I have went out of my way to make sure all my children are treated equal. I am quite sure he has developed the bond. Stepson's father is virtually out of the picture. He see's his children once a year. & I am seriously thinking about putting stepson in some type of confidence building class. Sorry for the short one paragraph answers. At work, and hard to commit a lot of time to this or manually format for paragraphs...
I think you should be yelling at YOUR son on why he did not walk away.
How is he supposed to walk away when a 15 year old, who is easily twice his size, is pushing him down and then holding him down? I'm sure my son would have loved nothing more than to have been able to run into the safety of his house.
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Now call me stupid, but isn’t it my stepson’s place to step in and protect my son?
I don't know your family dynamics, nor do I know your personal stance on the value of violence as a method of communication.
But based solely on what you've told me, I would consider it your stepson's responsibility to defend your son. I have a younger stepbrother, and I have helped him defend himself before. I've also had a close friend who watched me get jumped by a group of older kids, and just stood there because he was nonviolent, scared to fight, "didn't want to get involved." We weren't friends after that.
I would be upset with him if I were in your shoes, and I would be somewhat upset with your wife for disputing this. But I can only see a small part of the big picture, I don't know the people involved.
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