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I've raised stepson since he was three. He's known my son for as long as he can remember. And I've never been the type to press charges. I've always been the type to settle it in the 'school yard' and press on. Which was a big reason I didn't want to go talk to the kids parents myself.
Can I ask this....do you often refer to him as a step-son and your son your son? I'd aske the same if the word "adopted" was replacing "step"
We dropped the word "step" in our family many years ago and it's made a world of difference. It's a family not a step-family.
I'm just guessing, I wasn't there, that he wasn't sure what his role in the situation was. I understand your anger but I'd focus on why he didn't react as opposed to the just the fact he didn't react.
Well back in the civilized world you call the cops. You do not know that 15 year old. He could be developing some sort of mental illness and you want to bring that to your family?
In the civilized world cops have more important things to do that respond to probably one of many daily fight among kids. I wanted my wife to talk to the kids parents since this is the first time that I know of this has happened.
it sounds like the values and behaviors that are praised by the father are violence, the message sent is beating people up is the answer.
To me that's a pretty dangerous message to be teaching kids. And trying to please dad by doing what he wants, they also see it as the way to get dad's love. because it's clear from your message you equate using violence with love
Now at age 8, age 9, age 15, it is hitting with fists.
But in a few more years, when they are 18 and 20 and 25, the person they hit could very well pull and gun or knife and shoot or stab your kids (whom you have taught that fighting is the solution, fighting is the way to show love, fighting is the way to win love) and then your kids are dead because you've taught them as children that violence and attack are the answer. Rather then teaching your children mature disciplined life skills that would keep them safe, sane, and sensible, such as how to stay out of stupid dangerous situations in the first place, how to deal with anger, how to stay away from rather than engage in violence.
is that what you really want to teach your kids?
because that is asking for trouble, violence, attack, and harm for your children and your loved ones. It's just a matter of time.
And if one of those kids is a girl, and you teach her to hit and get in fights, and tell her that is what love is about, then don't be surprised when she is in a domestic violence situation herself with her boyfriend or husband or lover beating her up because he loves her so much and just got jealous, or loves her so much he just can't control his anger, when she does something that gets him mad
that's what daddy taught her after all, that's what love is about, that's what you do to show love
No disrespect, but I think you are going overboard here and really reaching.
405 isn't necessarily advocating violence - his 8 year old was being beat up - how was he supposed to fight against a 15 year old??? I'm sure the 8 year old wanted nothing more than to get away from this bully. And yes, any 15 year old that would hit a child that much younger is a bully.
And I didn't see 405 saying fighting is equated with love. What he said was he thought "brothers" should stand up for one another. He is disappointed and angry that the 14 year old didn't help his 8 year old. If your 8 year old is being beat up don't you want everyone around to step in and help him??
Again, he has the right to be disappointed that the 14 year old didn't help out - but the 14 year old is a kid too, most likely scared, who needs to know it's okay not to want to fight.
it sounds like the values and behaviors that are praised by the father are violence, the message sent is beating people up is the answer.
To me that's a pretty dangerous message to be teaching kids. And trying to please dad by doing what he wants, they also see it as the way to get dad's love. because it's clear from your message you equate using violence with love
Now at age 8, age 9, age 15, it is hitting with fists.
But in a few more years, when they are 18 and 20 and 25, the person they hit could very well pull and gun or knife and shoot or stab your kids (whom you have taught that fighting is the solution, fighting is the way to show love, fighting is the way to win love) and then your kids are dead because you've taught them as children that violence and attack are the answer. Rather then teaching your children mature disciplined life skills that would keep them safe, sane, and sensible, such as how to stay out of stupid dangerous situations in the first place, how to deal with anger, how to stay away from rather than engage in violence.
is that what you really want to teach your kids?
because that is asking for trouble, violence, attack, and harm for your children and your loved ones. It's just a matter of time.
And if one of those kids is a girl, and you teach her to hit and get in fights, and tell her that is what love is about, then don't be surprised when she is in a domestic violence situation herself with her boyfriend or husband or lover beating her up because he loves her so much and just got jealous, or loves her so much he just can't control his anger, when she does something that gets him mad
that's what daddy taught her after all, that's what love is about, that's what you do to show love
I don't promote violence. I don't teach violence. There is a lot of love in my house. I rarely spank because I don't think it works. BUT I do teach my kids to stand up for themselves. I don't teach to turn the other cheek. I also don't teach an eye for an eye. I do try to teach them to not let other people walk over them which goes far beyond a little fight--or any fight.
Well a couple of 16 year olds blew off my friends face awhile back for his backpack.
Its not the 1950s anymore. Your daughter should of ran for help too and should be scolded for endangering herself. If anything you should of told the son to run and call someone. If he was just pushing him down and holding him down why would you punch someone in the face to get away. You kick them in the balls and run or scream. A punch in the face to someone twice your size is asking for a beating.
Teen fights are real problems and are important as adult fights. Kids kill too.
A 15 year old boy could have the strength to kill another child with a punch if he did it correctly.
I really do not think you are aware of the very real dangers of fighting.
I don't promote violence. I don't teach violence. There is a lot of love in my house. I rarely spank because I don't think it works. BUT I do teach my kids to stand up for themselves. I don't teach to turn the other cheek. I also don't teach an eye for an eye. I do try to teach them to not let other people walk over them which goes far beyond a little fight--or any fight.
You are promoting violence by telling your kid to fight for his brother. Accept that.
I don't know your family dynamics, nor do I know your personal stance on the value of violence as a method of communication.
But based solely on what you've told me, I would consider it your stepson's responsibility to defend your son. I have a younger stepbrother, and I have helped him defend himself before. I've also had a close friend who watched me get jumped by a group of older kids, and just stood there because he was nonviolent, scared to fight, "didn't want to get involved." We weren't friends after that.
I would be upset with him if I were in your shoes, and I would be somewhat upset with your wife for disputing this. But I can only see a small part of the big picture, I don't know the people involved.
I understand I have only presented a small piece of the picture and it's hard to get a good understanding on any of it without knowing everything. I do not promote violence. I am not a violent person. I was angry because my 8 year old was beat up by a 15 year old. I sure hope other parents would have the same emotions and not be like, 'life lesson. walk away'---when they obviously couldn't. I thought big brothers/sisters were there to protect little brothers/sisters. It has nothing to do with step. Maybe I should have left the step part out of the equation...
Can I ask this....do you often refer to him as a step-son and your son your son? I'd aske the same if the word "adopted" was replacing "step"
We dropped the word "step" in our family many years ago and it's made a world of difference. It's a family not a step-family.
I'm just guessing, I wasn't there, that he wasn't sure what his role in the situation was. I understand your anger but I'd focus on why he didn't react as opposed to the just the fact he didn't react.
Good luck.
I do refer to him as stepson. Not often. I usually call him by my name. But when asked, I do say he's my stepson. I'm not sure if he knew his role or not. I'm hoping he knows it now though. The 15 year old was his friend. I told my stepson that he might not of had to fight. All he had to do was tell his friend that picking on an 8 year old is not cool. With friends, that should have been enough. He sat there and watched it all happen though. I guess that's where my problem is.
I am seriously thinking about putting stepson in some type of confidence building class. .
when you say "put him in a confidence building class" you are basically saying to the kid and to the world that you don't like him the way he is, he is not good enough the way he is, there is something wrong with him, there is something bad about him, he needs to be fixed, he needs to be improved. You are dumping on to him a crapload of your disapproval, judgment, and dislike for him.
I believe you when you say you love your kids and are trying to be there for him as a loving father figure. That is sincere and earnest. But the actions you are taking are shouting loud and clear you are trying to change him because you don't like him or accept him the way he is.
Yes, that is harsh. In answer to your question in another post are you being too harsh? YES. VERY HARSH.
What if your wife looked at you with a critical disapproving eye and said "I'm going to send you to classes to fix abc because the way you are disgusts me and is revolting." What would your response be?
Put him in the class...Be prepared for the words he has for you when he actually does have the confidence to stand up to stupidity.
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