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The boyfriend and I are so different, I wonder if this is contributing to some of the issues we have in our relationship.
Some background: I am black, he is white. He grew up in Westchester county, I grew up in Harlem. He is seven years my senior. He's traveled a lot, I haven't. He works in Manhattan making decent money managing accounts for an A/V company (a nine to five), I've worked for Hooters for two years (working at night, primarily).
We are obviously very different in a lot of ways, but we care a lot about each other and we were virtually inseparable pretty much from the moment we met.
But I can't ignore some of the issues we deal with and I wonder if it has to do with us being so different.
I know he's older, done a ton of stuff, and is generally a very mature individual, however, he talks to me like a child, and I'm tired of it. He honestly makes me feel like a moron and I'm very well educated. He has no problem calling my opinions 'ignorant' and 'stupid'. Mostly I just give up arguing because he gets very agitated and I'm a calm, peaceful, submissive person in general. If I complain about him treating me like a child, he insists that he's doing nothing of the sort, that sometimes I just have moments in which I don't exhibit a lot of common sense.
He is very appearance oriented, and likes to approve of the stuff I wear before I wear them outside. I've complied with the vast majority of his requests about the way I dress, I know for a while he hated that I dressed too 'sexy' when going out, and I toned it down a lot. But I find his attempts to micro-manage what I wear sometimes just a little absurd.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a pet to him, he very much likes going out with me and with his friends and people comment on how pretty I am (he loves that), as long as I don't talk too much, sit still, and look proper.
He says casually bigoted things about certain racial groups from time to time, not that I don't either at times (in a joking manner), but he seems absurdly preoccupied with stereotypes about certain groups. If I discuss it with him he stops (at least temporarily).
Now I've listed all the bad here, of course there's a lot of good. He's smart fun, and very attentive to my needs. He's trying to make me more verbal and expressive. He wants to expose me to a lot of things I haven't been exposed to. I don't doubt he is devoted to me, and I'd never have to worry about him cheating on me. Our sex life is awesome (we have sex daily up to twice a day). He never stays angry long and he's very affectionate.
The boyfriend and I are so different, I wonder if this is contributing to some of the issues we have in our relationship.
Some background: I am black, he is white. He grew up in Westchester county, I grew up in Harlem. He is seven years my senior. He's traveled a lot, I haven't. He works in Manhattan making decent money managing accounts for an A/V company (a nine to five), I've worked for Hooters for two years (working at night, primarily).
We are obviously very different in a lot of ways, but we care a lot about each other and we were virtually inseparable pretty much from the moment we met.
But I can't ignore some of the issues we deal with and I wonder if it has to do with us being so different.
I know he's older, done a ton of stuff, and is generally a very mature individual, however, he talks to me like a child, and I'm tired of it. He honestly makes me feel like a moron and I'm very well educated. He has no problem calling my opinions 'ignorant' and 'stupid'. Mostly I just give up arguing because he gets very agitated and I'm a calm, peaceful, submissive person in general. If I complain about him treating me like a child, he insists that he's doing nothing of the sort, that sometimes I just have moments in which I don't exhibit a lot of common sense.
He is very appearance oriented, and likes to approve of the stuff I wear before I wear them outside. I've complied with the vast majority of his requests about the way I dress, I know for a while he hated that I dressed too 'sexy' when going out, and I toned it down a lot. But I find his attempts to micro-manage what I wear sometimes just a little absurd.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a pet to him, he very much likes going out with me and with his friends and people comment on how pretty I am (he loves that), as long as I don't talk too much, sit still, and look proper.
He says casually bigoted things about certain racial groups from time to time, not that I don't either at times (in a joking manner), but he seems absurdly preoccupied with stereotypes about certain groups. If I discuss it with him he stops (at least temporarily).
Now I've listed all the bad here, of course there's a lot of good. He's smart fun, and very attentive to my needs. He's trying to make me more verbal and expressive. He wants to expose me to a lot of things I haven't been exposed to. I don't doubt he is devoted to me, and I'd never have to worry about him cheating on me. Our sex life is awesome (we have sex daily up to twice a day). He never stays angry long and he's very affectionate.
Trust your gut instincts on this one - you KNOW he's not "the one" for you and you are selling yourself short. Men like this look for young woman like you so they can feel in control and have the upper hand in the relationship. Consider yourself forewarned going forward.
If, however, you're simply expressing doubt, then you and the boyfriend need to have strong communication at this point to see if things can get deeper. If the boyfriend says something you feel is condescending, rude, or insulting, you should call him on it immediately. Do it CALMLY, but tell him exactly how that makes you feel, and how you're unwilling to put up with it. Don't raise your voice, but speak to him in the language of sweet reason. That will prove a lot more persuasive than humming a dinner plate at his head.
FYI guys, I have no desire to leave my boyfriend. I just want to ameliorate some of these issues we have. Thanks for the advice.
In that case, I think your best tactic is simply to wait until he says another offensive thing, stop the conversation, and calmly tell him how that makes you feel.
Don't tell him what an a-hole he is. Don't tell him that he's being insensitive. For saying that will put him on the defensive. Instead, talk about your feelings that are getting hurt, and how you hope he didn't do so on purpose.
The more calm and more rational you are about it, the more effective it will be. Hope that helps.
Sounds like you two are charged up and attracted to one another physically and sexually, but there are some compatibility issues in regard to the rest. You are allowing him to control you and he is dominating you little by little. Perhaps you put up a fight from time to time, but he's got you changing your wardrobe, giving in on arguments and compromising the way you choose to express yourself. You admitted you are a submissive person, and if he is a dominant type then you are playing right into his hand. The longer you stay together, the more he will get control of you, and before you know it you won't recognize who you are any longer. Stand your ground a time or two instead of folding, and wear what you want. What is he going to do? He's got something good right now, and if he can't appreciate it, then I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding someone who will.
I know he's older, done a ton of stuff, and is generally a very mature individual, however, he talks to me like a child, and I'm tired of it. He honestly makes me feel like a moron and I'm very well educated. He has no problem calling my opinions 'ignorant' and 'stupid'. Mostly I just give up arguing because he gets very agitated and I'm a calm, peaceful, submissive person in general. If I complain about him treating me like a child, he insists that he's doing nothing of the sort, that sometimes I just have moments in which I don't exhibit a lot of common sense.
Red flag 1. It may be that the 7-year age gap is showing up in this manner (maturity/greater life experience) but if if your opinions are ignorant or stupid, he should find a much kinder and gentler way of showing you that there are better beliefs and views, and he should be able to lead you down that road without making you feel hurt or like a "moron," and WITH making you feel grateful, taught, led, and genuinely cared for.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick
He is very appearance oriented, and likes to approve of the stuff I wear before I wear them outside. I've complied with the vast majority of his requests about the way I dress, I know for a while he hated that I dressed too 'sexy' when going out, and I toned it down a lot. But I find his attempts to micro-manage what I wear sometimes just a little absurd.
I understand that sometimes men don't like the way women dress - but there should be a boundary. You're an adult. Watch him here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick
Sometimes I feel like I'm a pet to him, he very much likes going out with me and with his friends and people comment on how pretty I am (he loves that), as long as I don't talk too much, sit still, and look proper.
Red flag 2. "Pet?" It's not bad per se his friends think you're pretty (I just saw your pic and I'm going to Hooters! haha seriously, you're pretty)... but you say he likes you to just sit still and not talk much? What are you, a trophy or an equal partner whom he wants to be a dynamic part of his life, which would mean he'd want you or accept you interacting with his friends as any of his friends would?
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick
He says casually bigoted things about certain racial groups from time to time, not that I don't either at times (in a joking manner), but he seems absurdly preoccupied with stereotypes about certain groups. If I discuss it with him he stops (at least temporarily).
Red flag 3. Everyone, or most people IMO carry a measure of racism and bigotry. But he stereotypes other groups - what would stop him from stereotyping yours? And please forgive me for raising a strong question, but you're a minority as those groups are minorities.
Quote:
Originally Posted by xxbabeechick
Now I've listed all the bad here, of course there's a lot of good. He's smart fun, and very attentive to my needs. He's trying to make me more verbal and expressive. He wants to expose me to a lot of things I haven't been exposed to. I don't doubt he is devoted to me, and I'd never have to worry about him cheating on me. Our sex life is awesome (we have sex daily up to twice a day). He never stays angry long and he's very affectionate.
If this is all true, then perhaps these are all kinks that need to be worked out, but I think you should address them ASAP and be more assertive, i.e, he must know that he can't dictate what you wear, he can't talk down to you and make you feel stupid even if your views could use guidance, and he must certainly let you behave normally in social settings - not talk much, sit still and look proper? What are you, a little doll or a woman?
Red flag 1. It may be that the 7-year age gap is showing up in this manner (maturity/greater life experience) but if if your opinions are ignorant or stupid, he should find a much kinder and gentler way of showing you that there are better beliefs and views, and he should be able to lead you down that road without making you feel hurt or like a "moron," and WITH making you feel grateful, taught, led, and genuinely cared for.
I understand that sometimes men don't like the way women dress - but there should be a boundary. You're an adult. Watch him here.
Red flag 2. "Pet?" It's not bad per se his friends think you're pretty (I just saw your pic and I'm going to Hooters! haha seriously, you're pretty)... but you say he likes you to just sit still and not talk much? What are you, a trophy or an equal partner whom he wants to be a dynamic part of his life, which would mean he'd want you or accept you interacting with his friends as any of his friends would?
Red flag 3. Everyone, or most people IMO carry a measure of racism and bigotry. But he stereotypes other groups - what would stop him from stereotyping yours? And please forgive me for raising a strong question, but you're a minority as those groups are minorities.
If this is all true, then perhaps these are all kinks that need to be worked out, but I think you should address them ASAP and be more assertive, i.e, he must know that he can't dictate what you wear, he can't talk down to you and make you feel stupid even if your views could use guidance, and he must certainly let you behave normally in social settings - not talk much, sit still and look proper? What are you, a little doll or a woman?
Good points, all.
By the way, OP, Sprawling lives near you. I bet you two would get along just fine.
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