The pain of a lie (wives, husbands, older, child)

[PassTheChocolate]

I had to actually read this a few times before responding. I see more ego and pride than anything else.

She did not lie to you. She didn't tell you and she didn't have to. Amazingly enough, she managed to be the woman you thought she was all these years despite that mistake, so it really shouldn't matter.

I'm not sure how you could be hurt by what she did. She did nothing to you. Be sad for her, as a 16 year old girl who made a less than ideal choice. But where is the betrayal? You had no right to the virginity of a 16 year old girl to begin with and she was not with you to be able to betray you.

Originally Posted by Stac2007

I have but she told me cold turkey yesterday and was very surprised and hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to hear was that the woman I always loved, praised and cared for was used like rag.

But here you say:

Why did she allow her self to be used like a rag for so long and by a guy who was a piece of garbage?

This is somewhat of a dig on her character, as much as you say you love her. It is one thing to be used, it is less becoming to consent to it. She was 16, for Pete's sake. This shouldn't be an issue 20 years down the road. A shock, maybe, but all things considered, nothing to feel offended by.

Then you say this:

I know she was very immature and was not thinking straight.

......but her lack of self-esteem was pretty low and she did not think she could get me back.

There you have your answers, but this still bothers you? Why?

These comments are also very belittling:

A few months after we broke up she slept with a guy she did not know. He was younger, about 15 who had no feelings for my wife.

She gave herself to a teen boy she did not know and let herself be used.

She dated him three times before he took her virginity and hardly even knew him. She just let him do his thing and he broke her pretty hard like some one with a jack hammer.

the thought of strange guy between her lets when she was 16 hurts me greatly.

That last statement, regarding who was between her legs (misspelled) was especially unnecessary. This may not sit well with you either, but he was not some stranger she picked up off the street. She dated him 3 times before she slept with him and slept with him 10 more times after that. She knew him well enough.

It's bad enough that she "allowed" herself to be used, but why must you cheapen it even further? Why are you making her look worse than she already feels?

Her parents loved me like a son back then. They would have accepted me as her fist and only. They would probably see their daughter as a failure in their eyes, especially since all along they thought I was her only true love.

I would not trust her parents' judgment to begin with if they would have accepted a 23 year old man being her first anything. But that statement, again, is belittling. Her parents would have thought more of you than they would have of her? Tell me you did share this opinion with her.

Again, you already know the answers. But this isn't really about psychologizing as much as it is your pride. You make a lot of references to his performance and their activity. Why do you feel this is necessary? Aside from the fact that no one really needs the visual of two underaged teens going at it, you seem to feel the need to compete with a 15 year old boy, even now, 20 years later.

You also make a lot of references about you being the white knight, the one who truly loved her, the better guy, how her best friend and parents loved you - there's a lot of ego stroking here. Who are you trying to convince? Obviously, you are the one for her. She's still with you, isn't she?

I hope that you have not expressed to her what you have expressed here. That would be one reason she is still beating herself up over it. Low self-esteem is bad enough alone.

I think it is great that you are still together, you beat the odds, so to speak. Still, it looks like you both have some growing up to do. And you need to get over this as much as she does.

[Bettylou22]

Originally Posted by Stac2007

Yes I wish I hadn't. I don't why it matters now. She had sex with him 13 times in one year and it lasted at best five minutes. He could never make her see stars. When we got back together a month before she was 18 we did it 14-15 times in the first week. She experienced her first orgasm and multiple orgasms with me. She could not believe I could go on for so long and it made her cheeks pretty red. Our Saturdays were spent in a hotel room enjoying sex and doing a lot of talking. In 1992 and when she was 19 I withdrew over four thousand dollars from my bank account and she picked out her engagement ring. She was always meant to be Mrs. P

how in the world do you remember how many times you ver sex during 1 week 20 years ago? y'all sound like you need a hobby and to quit obsessing over this.

i also couldn't imagine only having sex with one (or two) people in my whole entire life! good on ya!

[Chanteuse d' Opéra]

*yawn*

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Stac2007

I found out something terrible hurtfully about my wife's past between the two times we were dating. The news has made me feel pretty hurt and I am a little lost about why she did it. My wife and I dated for three months during the end of 1989. We were getting very serious and sex was just around the corner. At the time she was 16 and I 23. The age difference meant having sex with her would be illegal. I loved her so but I had to break it off because it would have been statutory rape of a minor. She loved me deep as well but our loved seemed not right. She was a teen and I an adult.

A few months after we broke up she slept with a guy she did not know. He was younger, about 15 who had no feelings for my wife. She dated him three times before he took her virginity and hardly even knew him. She just let him do his thing and he broke her pretty hard like some one with a jack hammer. She did not enjoy the sex because he came with on thrust. After that he did not see her for another three for four weeks and for easy sex.

A few days after she lost her virginity I met her in church. I so wanted to get back with her and was happy when I saw her face. She did not give me real eye contact like she was avoiding me. She did not tell about having sex with a guy who was a stranger. She knows tells me that she felt dirty every time I looked at her because she has her hidden secret. She rushed out of the church not wanting me to feel my eyes on her. When we were dating I told her the first time she be memorable and the words I told her made her feel like a s**t. She continued to meet this guy for sex and he cared little for her.

Her best friend kept telling her to call me and dump the guy. She tried but couldn’t because she though I would look upon her as trashy. Her parents never liked the guy and but loved me. They would be just as hurt to know she gave her self to this guy who was an ugly person in side. When my grandmother died in 1991 she wanted to call me so say how sorry she was. My grandmother and I were close and she loved my wife. She kept feeling that I would look upon her like dirty and kept her distance. She kept seeing the other guy for their once a month meetings which always lasted about an hour. She told me the sex was terrible. He satisfied himself but could care less about making her feel good. He lasted at best five minutes but her lack of self-esteem was pretty low and she did not think she could get me back. In her eyes I was Mr. Clean and a white knight. At one point she really believed becasue what she had done had sealed her fate with me.

On Easter of 1991 we met in church and she said to me se felt terrible about my grandmothers passing. She gave me a huge hug and I gave her one right back. I asked her if she was going to her prom but her so called boyfriend did not want to take her. I then told her I would, not wanting her to miss an important day in her life. Yesterday she told me going out with me again made her feel clean but waited a while to tell me she was not a virgin. I loved her so it did not bother me. She broke it off with the other guy the very day we reconnected. She wanted to forget the 13 odd times she has sex with the other guy. When we went to order my tuxedo I told her I was going to marry her and have been married ever since.

I guess what hurts is that back in 1989 I looked and treated her like some one so precious. She is the only women I ever loved. Why did she allow her self to be used like a rag for so long and by a guy who was a piece of garbage? I know she was very immature and was not thinking straight. She gave herself to a teen boy she did not know and let herself be used. I found out a lot yesterday and it was hard to swallow. We have both been upset since we talked about it yesterday. She thinks see her as a tramp which I don't but I am trying to retain the special feeling she has for me but the thought of strange guy between her lets when she was 16 hurts me greatly. I wish I made love to her at the time and said the hell with the law. Her parents loved me like a son back then. They would have accepted me as her fist and only. They would probably see their daughter as a failure in their eyes, especially since all along they thought I was her only true love. My wife told me I was the only man she ever loved and the other guy who never saw her except for sex made her feel uncared for. After all these years of not knowing I can’t help but feel hurt. I meant so much to her she would have rather not told me and kept me than let me know. I do love her and the over the last two days told her I was proud to marry her.

Time to grow up man - this was 20 freaking years ago when she was a teenager LET IT GO - obsessing over it isn't healthy or necessary.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

I can't believe you. So do you wish she HAD told you? And then you would have walked away and missed having this wonderful marriage that you keep saying you have? Is that what you wish for? Because you are being a complete hard-nosed ignoramus about someone making a mistake, something that they regret who knew better than to disclose something that was none of your business in the first place.

If you can't see how foolish you are being, then walk away from her. Because that is where you WOULD be otherwise. She made a mistake. She regrets it. It had nothing to do with you. MOVE ON.

His ego is so big it is overshadowing his ability to see how foolish he's being - sort of like when a very pregnant woman can't see her own feet

[the minx]

I don't really understand what's going on here. I think it's because one post says you're hurt, then a few posts later you said you're fine with it but she's the one upset. I can't figure it out.

Just from reading your posts in the past, it seems to me that you have your wife on a really, really, dangerously high pedestal. And while I can admire your love for her, it also hurts her because she's inevitably going to let you down when your expectations are so high. I can see how learning about this past incident would hurt both of you - she (feels she) let you down - you both bear that burden now.

If you really care for her as you say you do, my suggestion is to humanize her. Understand that she's going to screw up and let her know that it's ok when she does. Let go of the past and start fresh.

[sierraAZ]

Don't happy people have anything better to do but create problems out of thin air?! Perhaps they need some REAL problems!

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by Stac2007

My wife is the one who feels terrible because she loved me and was angry I was not her first. I have let it go but I guess the image of her being a good girl was shattered last night. I knew she was not a virgin, I just did not think she gave her virginity away to a guy she did not really know and like.

Stac2007 lots of us females do dumb things when we were young..and are not proud of it...but I feel you are a bigger man for accepting she was just not in the right frame of mind back then. She seems to totally love you..if she told you this. I think it was a brave thing to do. And I do believe in second chances. One mistake not staying with her, 2nd going out with the manwhore, and 3rd charm was finding you again the right man. Don't look at the past..but look at the here and now.

[UrbanBlasphemy]

"I wish I made love to her at the time and said the hell with the law."

If.. if.. if...

Sure, ok, I'll play that:

If you made love to her back then, what would have happened?

Her parents could have found out and had you arrested, or forbid you to see their daughter. She get's upset, but follows her parents wishes. She ends up with Bubba the Love Sponge, 13 kids, and a broken down, rat infested trailer for a home.

You could have had that special day.. and then another.. and then, next thing you know, you're a father and she's a mother. She drops out of high school, loses her friends, and her parents kick her out. She gets so depressed that she becomes someone totally different, hopeless and withdrawn. She never recovers.

ah.. I could go on.. but I won't.

Thing is, everything worked out. You two have a good life together, there's no rats, she has a good education.. It's pointless to speculate about the past. It doesn't matter. We live, we learn, we move on.

But now, well, there's this unseen wall between the two of you. You said that you're over it, but I have doubts about that. I'll trust ya though. Now it's time to focus on her. You say you love her more than anything. Alright. Good. Does she know that? Even after you two had the conversation, does she still feel that way?

My point is this: You can talk about things all day long, but unless she KNOWS, then that wall will always be there.

So, show her how much you love her. Show her that she is beautiful. Show her that, no matter what's happened in the past, she is still the only one in your life that matters. Show her that she can let the past go.

When you make love to her, look her in the eyes. Tell her that you love her. Take things slow.

When you touch her, to it gently, like it's the first time you've ever touched her.

When you kiss her, kiss her slowly and passionately. Touch her face. Breath her in.

You get the point. Just make her feel new... Everytime you do that, a little more of the past slips away.

You'll get past this, just have faith in one another.

I wish you both the best..

[lovesMountains]

Every experience, good and bad, that his wife had before the day she married him contributed to her being the person she was the day he married her. He loved her the way she was then, he needs to just remember that and let this go.

His job now is to help his wife to forgive herself, not to feel sorry for himself or obsess over how he thinks he was lied to.