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Can you think of any other justifications for extra marital affairs?
There are no justifications...only excuses.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Curmudgeon
Absolutely! If you're going to have an affair, do your spouse the kindness to leave and divorce them first.
Stranded and Lonely, this is your third thread in a row, questioning relationships. If your's is so "challenged," why don't you just get out of it or, better yet, spend the time you're giving to starting threads to romance your wife instead?
Ohhh, it's been more than three threads, Curmudgeon
and women do it just like men, trust me from personal experience, I could tell some stories but am not going to.....all will say is married women intiating cheating happens alot more than some people think
I don't believe he excluded women in is rant and the first sentence says,
"This message board is full of stories about how terrible ex husbands, wives and SO's were for having an extra marital love affair."
Over the years I have learned not to jump when she needs something.
It's not what I am used to but I do it to make her realize it's not all about her.
So...when it comes to and extramarital affair it can be complicated.
The other day someone made a comment about a guy hitting on my wife and they made comments about how I would be mad. My ISO responded that I would say, "Run. Be free."
Could I say, "No that's not true?" No. I remained silent.
It's not there anymore. It's just not there. Too much garbage.
When I say I want something done a certain way she will fight me tooth and nail and then take the side of the kids and defend them while they are behind her almost gloating cause Mom is for them and taking Dad down in his decision. It's disturbing.
At any rate. I won't cheat but I am ready to go... 8 more years.
I am not a psychologist but you have some issues! First of all, your name says a lot about you, I know it may be unconscious but I don't think you would have come up with such name if your life was going great.
It seems like your self esteem is very low, you are willing to submit to your wife and even justify her relationship with Larry. It is almost like you started this thread to try to justify her possible extra marital affair with Larry.
Your wife is not this great,innocent person that you want her to be. When you talked about her parents treating her BAD, seldom, people will just treat others badly for no reason whatsoever.
You always make your wife sound like she is this wonderful person, yet she is hanging out with Larry and getting crap from her parents,I think you need to wake up, my friend. Stop being someone's doormat, stand up for yourself!
Last edited by Repubocrat; 12-14-2009 at 08:27 AM..
A few years ago I became friends with a GORGEOUS young woman who revealed to me that she was formerly an "escort" in New York during her college years. She did this for nearly three years, working for a woman who was apparently selective and successful.
She told me that while sure, there were some distasteful experiences and a couple of times she'd feared for her well-being, for the most part the clients she "dated" surprised her.
One thing she said stuck with me and reminded me of a Dear Abby letter I'd read nearly thirty years ago.
My friend said that a surprisingly high number of the men who took her out had dinner, conversation and -- dropped her off.
She said so many of these men seemed to want nothing more than conversation with someone who talked TO them she really had to revise her thinking on men as a whole. Another thing she said was that many of these men not only seemed to want someone to talk to but often spoke of the distance they felt from their wives. It bothered her and she finally had to make a rule about NOT speaking of the wives.
As for the Dear Abby letter, many years ago a woman wrote in that her husband had an affair with another woman. This woman couldn't get the question out of her mind: What does she have that I don't have?
Ms. Van Buren wrote back: What does she have that you don't have? The answer to that is: Nothing. Often these things aren't about sex. What you need to ask yourself is what does she do that I don't do?
Now, that doesn't justify having an affair; but it SHOULD provide some food for thought all around. If people communicated more then this garbage would happen less. On the other hand not all people are capable of communicating well.
Also, it's very, very easy to sit back and self-righteously condemn anyone, man or woman, for having an affair, or to haughtily suggest that if they're incapable of communicating with their spouse they need to simply END it.
Yes, it's all terribly, terribly easy from an outsider's perspective. After all, what do YOU have to lose from this situation? NOTHING.
Let me provide myself as an example.
I've been married for nearly four years now, married later in life. We have one child who is everything I'd ever hoped for and dreamed of in a child. When we married I pitched myself and my finances into this marriage wholeheartedly and with utter devotion.
Over time my wife has proved to me she is FAR less devoted to this marriage's success than I. She's proved grossly irresponsible with regard to finances and has pushed us to a point where I fear bankruptcy. She has LIED to me countless times with regard to finances, past relationships and past incidents in her life which were painted very differently at the outset. She has a strong family support network with her parents and brother, so strong she refuses to cut the apron strings, often to the sheer detriment of our marriage. She is a loving parent but NOT an especially good one. She spends LONG periods of time away from home, staying with her parents and using work as justification.
This list could go on for rather longer but I assume you get the picture.
Now, as for divorce...
I pitched myself into this completely. I have no family support network. I've always been financially responsible (having learned a couple of hard lessons when much younger) and am being ruined by this woman despite that we should be sitting very prettily about now.
I'm a man; ergo, as much as people wish to spout off about equality and/or joint custody, I stand to LOSE my son. That doesn't just mean visitation, it means watching someone else raise him in a manner I disapprove of WHILE I try to work repairs during visitation. People say "joint custody" all the time, failing to realize there is still a Primary Caregiver. Add some distance to that -- voila, "joint custody" becomes an empty phrase.
If we fold, she just packs up and goes home to mommy and daddy; I, on the other hand, lose pretty much everything, start over having lost my dream of a small farm because I can't keep this on my own, end up back in the city in some cheap little apartment because NOW I'd be paying child support as well. We both work in the city, we both have a commute, but hers is too inconvenient, like so many other things.
The biggest part of that: Losing my son, my wonderful boy. Guys, never, EVER forget that when it comes to custody, few people play fair. She's fighting for "her" children, who are her blood. YOU are just some guy she met in a bar. NEVER forget that.
Now...
All that time I spend alone, weeks at a time when she's gone because she doesn't want the inconvenience of driving 45 minutes home after 8 pm... When she's there, she's mostly interested in the television: America's Next Top Model and other "reality" shows are her big fix.
Think I don't get lonely? Think I don't wish often there was some neighbor woman near my age with whom I might share supper during the winter after I've taken care of chores? Someone who knew the score?
And if I did -- what of it? My wife has made her feelings (or lack thereof) clear, but divorce costs me EVERYTHING because I was the one who did the right thing in the first place, pouring all I had into this allegedly "joint venture".
I haven't, because I won't risk losing my son -- but I'll be blasted if I haven't thought about it long and hard, a thing I once swore to myself I'd NEVER do.
It's VERY easy to condemn when it's not you and you stand nothing to lose.
Urban, thank you for sharing that. You are in a very difficult place right now, to be sure.
If you did divorce your wife, are you sure she would get your son? It sounds like you are the one raising him, and you are responsible with money while your wife is not. She does have familial support, so that is a point in her favor. Mothers do get custody most often, but those are in uncontested cases. As other people have posted, when fathers petition for custody, they get it most of the time. I suppose it varies by state.
Being gone for weeks at a time because she can't be bothered to come home sounds like abandonment to me.
OP, I think a huge reason is that people feel pressured by society to marry; otherwise, they are deemed "losers." So, they manipulate and scheme to get a ring on their blessed finger at any cost. Back in the day, of course, pregnancy meant you HAD to get married and lots of women used that route.
My mother actually told me that since she was approaching her 18th birthday (after which, in those days, you were called an "old maid" if you weren't married), she accepted my father's proposal. She said that he was the best of the men who were around at the time because the rest were off fighting in Korea but she REALLY had a crush on someone who was in the Army. Great thing to tell your daughter, huh? Neither mum nor dad had an affair but they made our home miserable.
There are more choices now, but single people are STILL treated as if there is something wrong with them if they don't marry. It's ridiculous. I have friends who married losers just because they were asked and just because their families and friends pressured them. There's still the wrong-headed belief out there that being married to anyone is better than being single. That is SO wrong.
Rather than go through a divorce and lose their assets and rather than face the "stigma" of being alone again, people like that have affairs so they can have at least some pleasure and feel wanted. It's pretty easy and glib to say they should get divorced if they're unhappy but divorce is hell and can wipe you out financially and emotionally. Then, the newly divorced person gets pressured once again to "find someone" because being alone is so terrible. These attitudes MUST change.
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