What's your opinion? - No Child Haters Please (how to, looking, relation)
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It's a matter of bonding, Mona. I suspect that I could argue with you for years on this and we'd still not see eye to eye. This is one of those things where men and women are different on a fundamental level. You guys bond with children in the womb. You can't imagine having a child in the world that you're not bonded with. For guys, it's trickier. Bonding is a little bit different, and less related to a biological link.
Hmm.. come to think of it, I suspect men make better step parents than women for some of the same reasons ... men joke that if you feed them long enough, the kids start to look like you. I don't think women ever really see it that way.
It's a sign of extremely poor character for a man to ditch his kids after having lived with them for awhile. It's a little bit different for a man to ditch his "kid" who is conceived of under these circumstances, imo.
I don't want to argue with you, I gotta go to bed in a few
I do see your point. However, women and men bond with adopted children all the time, and they have no biological link to them at all.
It's just frustrating to know that still, even in the year 2010, some men and women don't use birth control. If your not in a committed and trusting relationship with someone, both parties should use as much protection as they can. One cannot trust the other.
Btw, if I were raped again and became pregnant, my husband and I would keep the baby.
Despite the fact that all the "nouveau fathers" will disagree vehemently. The man is an "adoring father" because he wants to please the mother. IMHO, men have no paternal instinct. Heck, it wasn't until humanity started understanding agriculture and breeding domestic animals that THEY even understood that sex equaled procreation. There is no instinctive bond, all paternal behavior is LEARNED BEHAVIOR. Sorry if that offends, but it is patently true.
The man in question adores his child because he wants to please the mother. Since he realizes no benefit from pleasing the mother of his son, he does not bother. I assure you that in the event that his current relationship would sour, that child would be forgotten as quickly as yesterday's newspaper.
She should thank her lucky stars that he supports a child he never wanted in the first place. Many men would not have the integrity to do that.
20yrsinBranson
donning her asbestos suit
Branson, I wouldn't exactly put it this way, but you're sort of on to something. My love for my daughter is an extension of my love for my wife.
I disagree that I don't have paternal instincts. I think I do have them. If my wife died tomorrow, I'd do my best to be a nurturing, attentive parent for my daughter. I'd try to give her extra love and attention to compensate for the loss of her mother ... but again, I loved her first because she's part of my wife. Now, after 8 years, I just think she's a cool little kid and I'm pretty fond of her because she's great ... I probably would be even if she were a stranger to me ... but walking away from a child I have never met who is the result of an evil, conniving woman? Hmmm... maybe. I can see deciding to just pay money and nothing else.
I think its displaced anger. He is viewing the child as part of the mother and wants nothing to do with him. It is a bad situation and I totally understand why he is angry BUT he needs to grow a pair and realize he is the father of this child. I personally do not think he is a stand up guy.
One of my best friends is a single father. He has custody of his oldest from one marriage and visitation with the other. He loves them both and is absolutley an amazing parent to them and there is no wife to be an extension to.
Seeniorita, I just want to clarify something. I love and adore my daughter. She's the most important thing in my life. If I had a child under these circumstances, I'm not sure what I would do, but I suspect I would develop a relationship with him or her (even though it would of necessity also mean maintaining a relationship with an extremely manipulative and criminally conniving person).
Ok, that said. Rape is pretty much the best analogy for this. No, it's not perfect in some respects (consensual vs. non consensual sex), but I'm trying to get you women to realize just how terrible this is to do a man, nevermind the child. Your body, your choice, your life, right? Just imagine if one day you woke up to find out that ... nope, someone has decided for you that you're going to have a child. And oh by the way, if you want to interact with this child, you're going to have to be on friendly terms with the person who did this to you.
It's totally messed up. I would immediately drop this woman as a friend if I found out she did this to another person (and again, to her child.) The guy? Hmmm... I'd probably still be his friend. He does pay child support. I have no reason to doubt that OP's assessment of him as a stand-up person.
It doesn't matter what a mother did period. She expressed her interest in having children and he knew he didn't want any, he should have walked away, but why walk away when there is a pair of open legs waiting for you right? He didn't want to be a man and walk away from unfavorable situation, and he was dumb enough to have unprotected sex. He is also very much responsible for this child being in this world now. He needs to step up and be a father. Anyone who denies his own child willingly like this can go to hell as far as I'm concerned.
Despite the fact that all the "nouveau fathers" will disagree vehemently. The man is an "adoring father" because he wants to please the mother. IMHO, men have no paternal instinct. Heck, it wasn't until humanity started understanding agriculture and breeding domestic animals that THEY even understood that sex equaled procreation. There is no instinctive bond, all paternal behavior is LEARNED BEHAVIOR. Sorry if that offends, but it is patently true.
The man in question adores his child because he wants to please the mother. Since he realizes no benefit from pleasing the mother of his son, he does not bother. I assure you that in the event that his current relationship would sour, that child would be forgotten as quickly as yesterday's newspaper.
She should thank her lucky stars that he supports a child he never wanted in the first place. Many men would not have the integrity to do that.
20yrsinBranson
donning her asbestos suit
That is an interesting point. I have seen men who break up with their biological child's mother and pretty much the child becomes an afterthought. His real character will show when and if his current relationship ends. He'll probably throw some money at his daughter also and call it a day.
I can't agree with the rest, because I also know men who take incredible care of their sons and daughters, some without another woman in the house. Their children do not starve for love and affection. But it's your opinion, we can agree to disagree.
That is an interesting point. I have seen men who break up with their biological child's mother and pretty much the child becomes an afterthought. His real character will show when and if his current relationship ends. He'll probably throw some money at his daughter also and call it a day.
I AGREE! I think the wife has set herself up for a nasty surprise if things don't stay picture perfect with him. I also think this guy refuses to live a less than perfect life, meaning visitation, admitting mistakes trusting the ex, and not having everything under his control.
Quote:
Originally Posted by missymomof3
You know.. it's the men who feel for the man and the women who feel for the child. what's up with that?
The men in his circle have tremendous power to protect that boy. Instead of acting like nothing's wrong they should tell him to see his child. Why enable this destructive petulant b.s.?
Obviously he was just using the first woman for sex and had no intention of marrying her even though he knew she felt time was running out and that she wanted marriage and kids.
If he feels she tried to trap him, he needs to blame himself for not seeing the signs of a biological clock going off and that he ignored what she said about wanting a family. And he can blame himself for not using birth control with a woman he only intended to use until he found the right one.
Now it sounds like he's punishing the child by withholding all love and affection. He doesn't sound like a great guy.
Right, but that's a really slippery slope, isn't it? How is he going to have a relatoinship with the child and not the child's mother? What do you recommend he do? This situation is all or nothing... he could fight for full custody (which I'm sure he wouldn't get .. and he shouldn't .. the boy needs his mother) or he could do what he's been doing ... pay child support and go on about his life.
It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I am writing from experience. My ex husband and I have 0 relationship outside of our child. If he has a question or concern for me, he calls or emails and we resolve the issue. Basically like a business partnership, but a child is involved and not a business.
Is this the best way to do it? Probably not, but it works. Two people who would rather not deal with each other can do so if they believe the child comes first.
Here's a thought... why don't men start taking the birth control upon themselves and stop relying solely on the woman?
We're not the ones getting pregnant--why should we worry. Besides, abortion's still legal.
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