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OK, I need someone to tell me what the hell I'm thinking here. I have a coworker who lives in England (I am English but live in Seattle) and am married with children. He is also married (no children). We work for the same software company and maybe see each other 3 or 4 times a year. I have always been attracted to this guy and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. He is funny and smart and even though he's not classically good-looking, he makes my knees buckle and when he's around he's the only person in the room. Usually we just flirt and go our own separate ways. But last time we were together a few months back the flirting got more intense (to the point where coworkers started to raise their eyebrows) and his suggestive remarks and innuendos suddenly took on a serious kind of undertone. I found myself seeking him out and even volunteered for extra work assignments just because I knew he would be in the same vicinity. It's hard to explain, but something shifted in me from just thinking he was cute to becoming rather obsessed. I really feel like the next time we meet in the summer I might end up in bed with him, or at the very least tell him how I really feel. Someone please tell me I'm an idiot, a selfish person. Delusional.
We can all tell you these things until we're blue in the face, but you are gonna do what you're gonna do. Choose wisely.
How can you think it's wrong " because it hurts others "? Who are these others ? What makes you think they have any rights NOT to be hurt ? Are you , or your husband, supposed to protect " these others " ? Could not htese others be your children , the family of the other man, your self, and your husband ? Don't these people have the right to expect honest dealings in love and marriage, in parenthood, in familial living ? And if they do-- where did these expectations come from ? Isn't it written into the heart and soul of every single baby that it's mother is there to protet him/ her ? And when that baby gets older, doesn't it learn , through natural observation, that the father is there to prtect both him AND his mom ? And , then, doesn't he / she learn , even as a child, that there is to be love between these protectors== and such love is the glue that holds them together. Now you know, as you have said, that cheating is the acud that burns this love apart. This isn't fire and brimstone-- this is just pure common sense-- written into the heart of man by his Creator.
BrumMom: I am not going to lecture you on adultery, etc. Marital life is complicated, and I try not to be judgmental about things like this.
The really bad thing here, though, is that this is your co-worker. Getting involved with a co-worker is a big no-no. Sexual innuendo, office gossip -- employers hate shenanigans like that. Keep that up, and one of you is sure to get fired. Can you guess which one? Keep in mind that this society still has a double standard; though both of you are married with children, you are the one who's most likely to be seen as a homewrecker, and your bosses' sympathies probably won't be on your side. Add to that the fact that this might be fodder for a potential lawsuit -- another incentive to let you go.
A good rule of thumb -- don't flirt in the office. This isn't Mad Men. Act professionally. Don't mix your personal life with business.
I am not like the previous poster I will pass judgement on you. You know in your heart that this is wrong to do it the way you are thinking it will go down. You need to ask yourself the hard questions and be honest with yourself on the answers. If you are going to stay married to your husband than you need to let the other guy go. If you are worried that you may not be able to control yourself when you are around the other guy then you owe it to your husband to end the marriage now. You need to realize that if you can not control yourself than you are the one that has problems and take the appropriate steps to limit how many people you will hurt in the long run. You need to look within and stop trying to find someone out here in computer land that will allow you to justify your actions.
BrumMom: I am not going to lecture you on adultery, etc. Marital life is complicated, and I try not to be judgmental about things like this.
The really bad thing here, though, is that this is your co-worker. Getting involved with a co-worker is a big no-no. Sexual innuendo, office gossip -- employers hate shenanigans like that. Keep that up, and one of you is sure to get fired. Can you guess which one? Keep in mind that this society still has a double standard; though both of you are married with children, you are the one who's most likely to be seen as a homewrecker, and your bosses' sympathies probably won't be on your side. Add to that the fact that this might be fodder for a potential lawsuit -- another incentive to let you go.
A good rule of thumb -- don't flirt in the office. This isn't Mad Men. Act professionally. Don't mix your personal life with business.
Redisca, don't worry about being judgemental - nobody else is. But I did ask for people's honest opinion, so... Like so many others on this thread you have great points.
1/. You are married. Did you have your fingers crossed behind your back when you made the vows ? Did you not listen to the bit about "til death us do part"? Or "forsaking all others"?
2/ You have children. Firstly, would you like to shatter their world by running off with your fancyman ? And, secondly, ask yourself what sort of example you would be setting to them.
3/ He lives in England, but you live in Seattle, I'm guessing he travels to other locations too. i'm guessing he also has other "regulars" he flirts with.
Like the old adage of the trucker, "a girl in every town". If he's married too, and he's acting like this, then do you think he'll be monogamous if you decide to run off with him ?
Which brings me to
4/ You already have this image in your head of you leaving your respective spouses, and setting up a love nest together, where I'm sure you'll have great sex from morning to night, and you'll be the way you are when you see him every few weeks.
Ummmmm, hello ???
You have only talked to him, and flirted a bit, and in your head, you're having an affair ? Sounds a little bit obsessional to me !
I could go on, but there's no point.
To cut a long story short, my advice. GROW UP
You have a silly crush on a co-worker, and you're willing to jeapordise everything you have to act on it. You are an adult, and you should be expected to act as such.
If as much energy was put into your marriage as is put into this "affair", would your marriage be having problems ?
There is no reason why you cannot enjoy the attentions of this other man, flirting is good, it gives us a little ego boost. There is also nothing wrong with having a little fantasy, but leave it as fantasy, not reality.
I haven't read the "porn" thread in it's entirity, but I'm gonna go ahead and guess that your man likes porn, and you don't like it, he looks at things on TV, or books and gets his jollies, and you get jealous of it.
Well, here we are, and you're getting your jollies from a real live person.
Do two wrongs make a right ?
Ask yourself who's really doing anything wrong. Is it him, by rubbing one out to a magazine every so often, or is it you, by thinking of throwing your marriage down the toilet with someone you barely know ?
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrumMom
OK, I need someone to tell me what the hell I'm thinking here. I have a coworker who lives in England (I am English but live in Seattle) and am married with children. He is also married (no children). We work for the same software company and maybe see each other 3 or 4 times a year. I have always been attracted to this guy and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual. He is funny and smart and even though he's not classically good-looking, he makes my knees buckle and when he's around he's the only person in the room. Usually we just flirt and go our own separate ways. But last time we were together a few months back the flirting got more intense (to the point where coworkers started to raise their eyebrows) and his suggestive remarks and innuendos suddenly took on a serious kind of undertone. I found myself seeking him out and even volunteered for extra work assignments just because I knew he would be in the same vicinity. It's hard to explain, but something shifted in me from just thinking he was cute to becoming rather obsessed. I really feel like the next time we meet in the summer I might end up in bed with him, or at the very least tell him how I really feel. Someone please tell me I'm an idiot, a selfish person. Delusional.
For gawds sake BrumMom...he's ENGLISH. Remember why you left there in the first place! He'll be pasty faced, bald and chubby by the time he's whatever age that happens.
If you were meant to be with him, you would be. But you're married to another guy. Be honest with him and yourself. Work out your problems or say bye-bye. The thing about married people who cheat is that though they may end up with the 'other woman/man', chances are they're going to repeat that behavior. If they've done it once, why not again?
It sounds to me like this guy is a 'refuge' of sorts for you. Understandable but not right.
I could call you all the things you said to say but other people have kindly stepped in. You're probably beating yourself up enough as it is.
Why do we all think we have to act on our every feeling? Enjoy your crush for what it is, a harmless & fun way to pass the time at work. Act on it and the magic will be gone anyway; don't kid yourself into thinking it will become some sort of magical love affair.
You know, anybody who's ever been married knows that temptation can come around. This is especially the case during those times when things aren't so fun in your marriage. When you don't see eye-to-eye. When your life is a seeming treadmill of work, chores, and dealing with the kids. Those are the times when you are most vulnerable.
But you need to realize what a destructive act this will be. Don't do it. And, remember this, this is a guy who would cheat on his wife to be with you. And when a person leaves his wife to marry his mistress, all he's doing is creating a job opening.
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But I did ask for people's honest opinion, so... Like so many others on this thread you have great points.
