Husband wants children, but I dont. Please advise. (marriage, women, love)
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A friend of mine referred me to this site in hopes that gathering advice from people all over the country would be helpful, so here it goes. I’ve been happily married for several years to the most amazing man. I love our life together but he desperately wants to be a dad. We married very young and I always assumed that one day I would want to have children, but almost 6 years later and I’m still not interested in the idea. I’m starting to think that I will never want children. Don’t get me wrong, I love children and worked as a nanny for 4 years, but I really don’t want any of my own. I love the freedom I have to pack up on a Friday and take a weekend vacation, sleep in, stay out as late as I want... Goodness I sound like a teenager that has just left the nest. But I really am not ready for that 24/7 responsibility. I feel like I am truly hurting my husband because I have been saying we would talk about having children in 5 years, for the last 6 years. Every time I get a cold or stomach bug, or even a little bloated he gets all excited and asks if I could be pregnant, and his family does the same. I know I have several years on my biological clock, but he does not want to be 60 years old when our children graduate. We would also need to buy a larger house and move to an area with better schools. I guess what I’m asking is what I should do, and if I’m being selfish and should just have children. Any advice would be very helpful. I have prayed for answers, but I’m not getting any.
My own marriage isn't all roses so I may not be the best person to give advice. But I would say you should definately not have children until YOU are ready. You will only end up resenting your husband and even worse maybe your children for your percieved loss of freedom and previous lifestyle. Even in today's "equal" society women still have most of the responsibilty when it comes to child rearing so you must me sure you are willing to do this. Have you thought deeply about why you don't want children? Is it only because you enjoy the freedom? Are you secure in your marriage? Are you trying to focus on career goals? I can say from my own experience that I got married young to a much older man and he was in a rush to have kids. We have 2 now and I wouldn't change them for anything, but it HAS impacted my career as a young professional trying to make it in a male dominated field.
Thank you for the response BrumMom, I know it may sound still but I just don't want children, simple as that. I don't see them in my future. I've never really seen myself as a mom, but I have always been told "one day you'll want to be a mom", I don't think one day is coming any time soon. But it would kill my husband to never become a father. Before we married he made it very clean that he wanted to have children, in fact he wanted 10, but now he's down to 2-4. I honestly don't think he would be truly happy childless, and every time one of his family members announces a pregnancy (4 in the last year), it's getting harder and harder on him. I know marriage is about compromise, but is this something I should compromise on? I would never resent my children, and know I would be a great mom, but...
It's been my experience that not too many people are "ready" for kids, they just have them and hope for the best. I'm not saying that's what you should do but it works out for most people. If you just don't ever want kids you may have to be single. Talk it over with your husband.
FYI, I always said I didn't want kids and got a lot of grief for it. Then I had them and now wish I had more.
It's been my experience that not too many people are "ready" for kids, they just have them and hope for the best. I'm not saying that's what you should do but it works out for most people. If you just don't ever want kids you may have to be single. Talk it over with your husband.
FYI, I always said I didn't want kids and got a lot of grief for it. Then I had them and now wish I had more.
This is very true Ceece. Nobody is ever ready for kids and even if you think you are... you are still soooo not ready! But she shouldn't compromise on this. Having kids is not something you compromise over for the sake of saving your marriage. Did you discuss this before you got married? Did your husband think you would change your mind or something? Seems like unfair pressure on you if you made it clear from the getgo that you didn't want kids.
BrumMom, aren't you the one that wanted the other posters to tell you its okay to cheat on your husband? No offence, but I don't think your qualified to offer advice in this matter.
BrumMom, aren't you the one that wanted the other posters to tell you its okay to cheat on your husband? No offence, but I don't think your qualified to offer advice in this matter.
NO, I wasn't asking for justification. Rather the opposite. I was asking for help in understanding my feelings and getting some sense kicked into me. I am going through a rough patch in my marraige and my life. I'm not some marriage wrecking *****. I have been a member of this site for 3 years and have had discussions on various topics with other people. I try not to be judgemental of others. I was trying to offer you some advice based on over 10 years of my own marriage and 2 kids.
Hmmm... I must have been confused by what you said, sure sounded like you wanted justification or the go ahead.
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Originally Posted by BrumMom
I really feel like the next time we meet in the summer I might end up in bed with him, or at the very least tell him how I really feel. Someone please tell me I'm an idiot, a selfish person. Delusional.
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Originally Posted by BrumMom
To be honest I could have an affair with this guy and not give my husband a second thought.
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Originally Posted by BrumMom
But I can't help thinking how easy it would be to start an affair. An occassional thing with no strings.
Yeah I still have no idea why I thought you wanted the go ahead to have an affair...
I don't think it is selfish of you to not want to have children, but it is an issue, that if you feel very strongly about, you need to calmly discuss with your husband out of fairness to his needs. It would be selfish of you to have children to not disrupt your marriage because if you would be miserable so would your whole family and your marriage will suffer because of it. If he is dead set on it and you are not you need to be fair to him as much as you would want him to be fair to you. At some point in my life I decided to not have children and that having them would not be a suitable decision. I discussed this with my one time financee prior to engagement so I was being completely honest and fair to him. 6 months down the road an arguement ensued over something and the fact he wanted children came to the surface and I told him, "I was honest with you before we got engaged so it's not fair to throw that in my face and if you really wanted children we should have not gotten engaged. Did you think I would change my mind or something?"
What I am also reading in your post, however, is that you may want children just not right now. I think some honest soul searching is in order about what you do want and don't want and when and then an honest talk with your husband is in order.
Hmmm... I must have been confused by what you said, sure sounded like you wanted justification or the go ahead.
Yeah I still have no idea why I thought you wanted the go ahead to have an affair...
I do want to go ahead with the affair. I'm being honest about my feelings. I'm attracted to this guy. So sue me. If you read my posts I'm not justifying it or saying it's right. I know it's wrong and I've never cheated on my husband. But I am feeling this way. I feel numb in my marriage. So what? That makes me a bad person. No, it makes me someone who has feelings she knows she has to get over and is asking for advice, maybe from other people who have experienced the same things. Obviously you are too perfect to understand.
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But she shouldn't compromise on this. Having kids is not something you compromise over for the sake of saving your marriage. Did you discuss this before you got married? Did your husband think you would change your mind or something? Seems like unfair pressure on you if you made it clear from the getgo that you didn't want kids.
