The Leftovers Argument (dating, wife, long-term, marriage)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
One argument I've heard a lot with respect to dating is the Leftovers Argument. This argument, usually heard after a certain age, says that if someone is still single, it's probably because everyone else passed on them and therefore you should too. IMO, people are too quick to embrace this reasoning. It's like they're in a hurry to eliminate someone and move onto the next person. They're so sure that the pool they're swimming in is full of the rejects that they can't keep an open mind. Throughout this forum, we've seen this argument a lot. One poster complains that all he meets are single mothers. Another repeats the tired "all the good men are married or gay" line. Maybe this attitude explains why the people voicing these complaints are still single. If I meet someone single in my age group (30s), I'm not wondering why other guys rejected her and inferring that something must be wrong with her. For all I know, she's had plenty of guys show interest in her but she rejected them. It reminds me of the stigma that divorce used to have (and in some circles still has). I remember when people looked at a divorced person as a failure. Oh, she must've been a lousy wife and that's why she's divorced. People seem to have come around when it comes to divorce. I wonder how long it'll take for them to do so with other things, like being a single mom or having never been married.
One argument I've heard a lot with respect to dating is the Leftovers Argument. This argument, usually heard after a certain age, says that if someone is still single, it's probably because everyone else passed on them and therefore you should too. IMO, people are too quick to embrace this reasoning. It's like they're in a hurry to eliminate someone and move onto the next person. They're so sure that the pool they're swimming in is full of the rejects that they can't keep an open mind. Throughout this forum, we've seen this argument a lot. One poster complains that all he meets are single mothers. Another repeats the tired "all the good men are married or gay" line. Maybe this attitude explains why the people voicing these complaints are still single. If I meet someone single in my age group (30s), I'm not wondering why other guys rejected her and inferring that something must be wrong with her. For all I know, she's had plenty of guys show interest in her but she rejected them. It reminds me of the stigma that divorce used to have (and in some circles still has). I remember when people looked at a divorced person as a failure. Oh, she must've been a lousy wife and that's why she's divorced. People seem to have come around when it comes to divorce. I wonder how long it'll take for them to do so with other things, like being a single mom or having never been married.
I can't tell you how many men I dated after my divorce (late 30s) who said to me, "Oh, you're divorced? That's good. Because if you'd never been married by now, I'd wonder what was wrong with you."
NICE.
And ridiculous, if you think about it, because they are trusting the judgment of some man they've never met just because they can verify he actually proposed and was willing to marry me--whom I could have divorced for being an axe murderer for all they know--instead of giving themselves the credit for having good taste in women.
Also, yes, it assumes that a woman accepts every offer she gets, which I can assure you is not the case.
Personally, I think it's silly to judge someone b/c they're older and still single. There are so many reasons for why that might have happened, and that doesn't necessarily make them a bad egg. It could just be that they hadn't yet met the right person, and wanted to hold out rather than go through divorce. And that's smart.
Sure, there will be some oddballs out there, and that's why they're still single at age whatever. But every person has their own story, so until I know it, I wouldn't pass on the chance.
I have no idea if men think this about me -- if they do, no one has said it or inferred it. However, I find it very bizarre how women -- and even a few men -- I've known flit in and out of marriages without a problem. They always find someone to marry on the rebound from the last marriage -- um, isn't that a problem? And wouldn't someone who has been much more discerning about LTRs and marriage be preferable to that?
Two of my friends have been married more than four times each! They're attractive but nothing special. And they're both quite religious -- one of them announces frequently that God hates divorce and she does, too. YET, she's on marriage number 5. WTH?!
So, why on Earth would men prefer someone who's been divorced four times over someone who turned down marriage proposals she didn't think would work and concentrated on raising her child and bettering herself through education and career development? I really don't understand it.
teatime, I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a primal competitive thought that the woman was desirable enough to get all those men to marry her so she must have something. No rational thinking there, just as the "leftovers" theory is irrational and based on false stereotypes and stupid assumptions. People who make those assumptions are just not very smart and probably not very nice.
I'd guess I know more married/divorced flakes than single ones.
And ridiculous, if you think about it, because they are trusting the judgment of some man they've never met just because they can verify he actually proposed and was willing to marry me--whom I could have divorced for being an axe murderer for all they know--instead of giving themselves the credit for having good taste in women.
It's like they think the person's ex vetted them. It kind of reminds me of the way people bought tech stocks back in the 90s. If you asked these people what Intel or Sun made, they didn't have a clue. But they saw everyone buying their stock and figured, "those guys must know something I don't know and think that stock is worth buying so I better buy it too." By the same token, a guy might meet a divorced woman and think, "well some other guy thought she was marriage material so that increases her value in my book. If no one married her by now, that must mean something's wrong with her."
I'd personally rather meet someone that had never been married (or married just once), then someone that had been married multiple times. To me, that just shows that they can't maintain relationships, or make bad choices, or have serious issues themselves, or all of the above.
teatime, I wouldn't be surprised if it's just a primal competitive thought that the woman was desirable enough to get all those men to marry her so she must have something. No rational thinking there, just as the "leftovers" theory is irrational and based on false stereotypes and stupid assumptions. People who make those assumptions are just not very smart and probably not very nice.
I'd guess I know more married/divorced flakes than single ones.
I think you're right.
I'm wondering if it's more of an American mindset, too. Many Americans mindlessly want what everyone else has and will go the extra mile to get what's perceived to be "popular" even if there's an equally good or better product that's less expensive but not "in." The "Starbucks" mentality, at the expense of the locally owned coffeehouses that offer better products, environment and service.
In my travels to Europe, I've seen much more individualism evident, particularly in relationships. Folks there cohabitate happily for the long-term and aren't as consumed by the need to marry. Heh, I read a feature piece in one of the London newspapers about young ladies who choose to marry in their early 20s -- it was treated as an alternative lifestyle, in a way, LOL! They're also more accepting of differences.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
