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i prefer this approach to, say, just not worrying about how you will pay for the van and instead spending the money on crystal meth. that would also be a plan.
Like it or not, maschuette, what JJ described -- that's life. And it's reality for a lot more people than seems at first glance. If that makes you want to commit suicide, that's your business, I guess; I am not joining you. If you want to make a plan for how you and your husband will react to having a child with disabilities, or if one of you gets a stroke, or if you go bankrupt, of if one of you has an affair, or if there is war, or you just fall out of love, etc., etc., etc., and that plan actually works, do get back to me and tell me how you did it. I'd love to know.
I'm sorry, i just cant grasp what your point is. What would you have people do, live "willy nilly" and not have a plan. I have always had a plan and i am doing better in my life than ever. I also have friends who have never had a plan and they have never been lower. If you have a plan it helps you stay on track. If you dont than there is no track.
I'm sorry, i just cant grasp what your point is. What would you have people do, live "willy nilly" and not have a plan. I have always had a plan and i am doing better in my life than ever. I also have friends who have never had a plan and they have never been lower. If you have a plan it helps you stay on track. If you dont than there is no track.
My point is that a plan is not a panacea. Americans are obsessed with "plans". Book stores here are full of self-help books which are nothing more than hundreds of pages of "plans". Most of that is wishful thinking. There are just things -- many things, not ALL things, but certainly MANY -- that people cannot control. Those who don't realize that are simply in denial. You and your SO can sit down and spend a year working out a detailed strategy for every one of a hundred contingencies that can occur in the course of your marriage, but even if can predict everything (and you can't), you certainly cannot predict your reaction, or your SO's.
The more I read this forum, the more I am convinced people who have never been married have major misconceptions about marriage. Virtually everyone who gets married, wants it to be forever; I've never met anyone who doesn't intend it that way. No one plans to leave in the even of an illness. Everyone believes their marriage will be perfect, unlike the marriages of all those other idiots who obviously just don't take marriage seriously enough and don't know how to "work with" their spouses. Everyone can see with perfect clarity everything that's wrong in other people's relationships; but somehow, people have a much tougher time managing their own.
Threads like this are mostly a chance for people to congratulate themselves for their theoretical virtues and to bash those they deem inferior. And yet, despite all the solemn protestations about how marriage is about work-work-work and sacrifice-sacrifice-sacrifice and twoo wuw no matter what, there is still a 46% divorce rate. Or maybe this forum just has an inexplicably high proportion of virtuous people.
Thanks for being the voice of the 46%. Certainly everyone marries with the intention of forever but life changes and people change. Feelings don't stay the same. As they say you don't know until you walk a mile in the other person's shoes.
My point is that a plan is not a panacea. Americans are obsessed with "plans". Book stores here are full of self-help books which are nothing more than hundreds of pages of "plans". Most of that is wishful thinking. There are just things -- many things, not ALL things, but certainly MANY -- that people cannot control. Those who don't realize that are simply in denial. You and your SO can sit down and spend a year working out a detailed strategy for every one of a hundred contingencies that can occur in the course of your marriage, but even if can predict everything (and you can't), you certainly cannot predict your reaction, or your SO's.
So, you dont have a plan i guess. Probably not married? No emergency fund? No retirement plan? No insurance of any kind: car, house, medical...? You dont have any of these things? These are things that are used to cover contingencies of all kinds. You dont have to know exactly whats going to happen to be ready for it. Other than that you just need to have faith in your SO otherwise you shouldnt be married in the first place.
So, you dont have a plan i guess. Probably not married? No emergency fund? No retirement plan? No insurance of any kind: car, house, medical...? You dont have any of these things? These are things that are used to cover contingencies of all kinds. You dont have to know exactly whats going to happen to be ready for it. Other than that you just need to have faith in your SO otherwise you shouldnt be married in the first place.
Oh, that's sounds simple enough. Just have faith and some insurance -- piece of cake. Also don't forget twoo wuw, it's a remedy for everything. So, let's see. All those people who get divorced or find themselves in bad marriages end up that way because they didn't have a "plan"? Funny, I've never heard that theory from anyone who's actually been divorced or stuck in a bad marriage.
I'm sorry, i just cant grasp what your point is. What would you have people do, live "willy nilly" and not have a plan. I have always had a plan and i am doing better in my life than ever. I also have friends who have never had a plan and they have never been lower. If you have a plan it helps you stay on track. If you dont than there is no track.
Man plans, God laughs
The point is, some things simply cannot be planned for.
Sure, have your goals, your plans but remember to be flexible when they don't work out or need to be changed for whatever unforseen reasons may come up. Because things rarely go exactly as planned.
The problem is, Denny -- how do you know which people? And what makes you so sure they give up too easily? I know this even remembering my own thinking when I was younger: other people's problems, even tragedies, seem a lot simpler than they actually are.
You can't know for sure in every case, but some people make it pretty obvious through both their words and actions. Life comes with all kinds of ups and downs, most of which you'll never be able to anticipate or fully prepare for. But that's what makes some marriages worth admiring. The bond becomes stronger. I read about one couple in Detroit who both lost their jobs with the auto industry. Despite being out of work and close to losing their home, they say their marriage has never been better. The bad times have actually drawn them closer.
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Originally Posted by lovesMountains
And some people are simply better equiped to do that "heavy lifting". After all, we don't all have the exact same muscles and strength level. Maybe YOU could bench press the equilvant of 350 lbs and stay 5 years longer in a bad marriage, but not everyone has that kind of emotional or spiritual muscle.
OK, let me explain this once more. I'm NOT talking about bad marriages. Yes, some of us are capable of working harder than others and "better equipped to do the heavy lifting." The issue here is not who is more capable. The issue is who's even attempting to reach their potential. If you're someone whose husband turns into an alcoholic and you give him several chances to get help but he doesn't, I applaud you for trying your hardest. But if you're the husband who looks at his wife of 30 years and says to himself, "she's old, fat and ugly. I want someone who's young, thin and hot" and then leaves, I can't respect you. Why? Because you had to know that your wife would change over time. Maybe you didn't know exactly how she would change, but you knew it would happen. So if you weren't prepared for the normal changes that come with growing old together, you shouldn't have gotten married. Likewise, if you're the woman who marries a doctor and then 40 years later, he's sued for malpractice, loses everything including his license to practice leaving him with no way to make a decent living and then you decide, "well you're not able to provide for me anymore so I'm leaving", I have no respect for you either.
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. What would you have people do, live "willy nilly" and not have a plan. I have always had a plan and i am doing better in my life than ever. I also have friends who have never had a plan and they have never been lower. If you have a plan it helps you stay on track. If you dont than there is no track.
