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Sometimes people are so into their religion, you cant escape that part. So how would someone who is an atheist, just ignore that part, especially if it is a big part of the other person. Doesn't mean you cant be friends and keep it light, but how can you have a lifelong commitment with someone who thinks exactly the opposite you do with something that has a big part in their life and in fact be a part of yours?
You learn to compromise, if you really love the person.
Though, more often than not, those who are religious have a tendency to not do so.
You learn to compromise, if you really love the person.
Though, more often than not, those who are religious have a tendency to not do so.
Me Being an atheist, that kind of compromise probably wouldn't happen. Such a huge part of your life, there really is no compromise. What to 1. feel left out of that persons life 2. keep silent and build resentment 3. try to convert and create tension
Either way is fine with me as long as they love that person. But I can almost guarantee my kids wont marry someone who is religious. While my kids are respectful of others beliefs ( in front of them) privately they just do not comprehend how anyone can believe so blindly. They would never belittle them in anyway ( unless they are first), they would just keep the relationship light and friendly and enjoy less serious things with them, so I cant see them getting seriously involved with someone who reads the bible and attends church and believes in a god.
I take it your parents were not religious? Personally I am Agnostic, raised Catholic and prefer to leave my options open at this point. If I see data indicating there is not a god (or is) I will definitely change my direction based on the evidence and not "Faith". I believe that religion is the current base for "Love", "Marriage", "Fidelity", and many other things that control our daily lives. Even if your Athiest, you live by concepts that were created by Religious institutions. Currently I am mostly suspect of religions that result in the persecution and deaths of others in the name of their religions. I would be highly suspect if my child converted to one of these religions when he gets married.
Last edited by Docaholic; 03-09-2011 at 03:01 PM..
Me Being an atheist, that kind of compromise probably wouldn't happen. Such a huge part of your life, there really is no compromise. What to 1. feel left out of that persons life 2. keep silent and build resentment 3. try to convert and create tension
I'm agnostic, my husband is religious. He has no desire to change what I believe, I have no desire to change what he believes. We can discuss our beliefs without it turning into a fight.
It's not about compromise, it's about respect. I don't believe what he believes in, he doesn't believe in my belief that I don't know. We disagree and we don't HAVE to agree. There are some things that there will be no middle ground on, that's just part of life. As long as you remain respectful of one another there should be no problems.
If you feel left out... well that's just ridiculous. I don't feel left out of my husbands life at all just because we don't share religious beliefs. Just because your a couple or married doesn't mean that you have to do everything together. Not only that, but just because I'm agnostic doesn't mean I can go to a religious function and still support my husband. I may not believe, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable to attend functions put on by his church. People know where I stand, that doesn't mean I'm not capable of being friendly.
It's when you lose respect for the other person because they don't think like you that you run into problems. You only build resentment from being silent if you're unable to talk to your partner, and if you're not able to talk to them then clearly you should evaluate why that is. It isn't so much about religious beliefs, but communication problems.
As for converting, again it's about respecting each other and your differences.
Honestly, everything you mentioned wouldn't be a problem if you truly respected one another.
I take it your parents were not religious? Personally I am Agnostic, raised Catholic and prefer to leave my options open at this point. If I see data indicating there is not a god (or is) I will definitely change my direction based on the evidence and not "Faith". I believe that religion is the current base for "Love", "Marriage", "Fidelity", and many other things that control our daily lives. Even if your Athiest, you live by concepts that were created by Religious institutions. Currently I am mostly suspect of religions that result in the persecution and deaths of others in the name of their religions. I would be highly suspect if my child converted to one of these religions when he gets married.
Actually, no I don't. I don't follow in line with their thinking, I don't discriminate. I think gays should have the right to love and marry whom they want, I am pro choice. Christianity is not the creator of morals, people just put it in print. Morals were created through communities long before the bible have evolved since then, what is best for survival of all. No part of any religion controls any part of my life.
I'm agnostic, my husband is religious. He has no desire to change what I believe, I have no desire to change what he believes. We can discuss our beliefs without it turning into a fight.
It's not about compromise, it's about respect. I don't believe what he believes in, he doesn't believe in my belief that I don't know. We disagree and we don't HAVE to agree. There are some things that there will be no middle ground on, that's just part of life. As long as you remain respectful of one another there should be no problems.
If you feel left out... well that's just ridiculous. I don't feel left out of my husbands life at all just because we don't share religious beliefs. Just because your a couple or married doesn't mean that you have to do everything together. Not only that, but just because I'm agnostic doesn't mean I can go to a religious function and still support my husband. I may not believe, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable to attend functions put on by his church. People know where I stand, that doesn't mean I'm not capable of being friendly.
It's when you lose respect for the other person because they don't think like you that you run into problems. You only build resentment from being silent if you're unable to talk to your partner, and if you're not able to talk to them then clearly you should evaluate why that is. It isn't so much about religious beliefs, but communication problems.
As for converting, again it's about respecting each other and your differences.
Honestly, everything you mentioned wouldn't be a problem if you truly respected one another.
Respect, you think respect is all it takes. K How long you been married? How many kids? How devout is your hubby, what religion is he? Your agnostic, I am not, I am an atheist, I am not sitting on a fence about it. I was married to a devout Mormon, for quite awhile, we had a son, whom became a serious topic with us on several occasions. I wasn't invited or welcome to their family get together, and I wasn't going to ask him to forgo his religious ceremonies and events, so yes I felt left out with a part of his life which lets face it, for the heavily religious is a big part, so don't sit there on your high horse and give some sort of sermon to me about how ridiculous it is ( considering you didn't go through it) or how you are the end all be all and only experience of marriage between religious and not. I have been married now for 18 years, to man that is right there with me in our beliefs, we are so much more connected then my ex and I ever could be.
Respect, you think respect is all it takes. K How long you been married? How many kids? How devout is your hubby? Your agnostic, I am not, I am an atheist. I was married to a devout Mormon, for quite awhile, we had a son, whom became a serious topic with us on several occasions. I wasn't invited or welcome to their family get together, and I wasn't going to ask him to forgo his religious ceremonies and events, so yes I felt left out with a part of his life, so don't sit there on your high horse and give some sort of sermon to others about how silly it is or how you are the end all be all of marriage between religious and not. I have been married now for 18 years, to man that is right there with me in our beliefs, we are so much more connected then my ex and I ever could be.
Nea you are right on track!! I am married to an agnostic/atheist who goes both ways in his thinking but has never wavered at all. In our 20 years of being together religion has been a bone of contention. We have made our peace with it and I do my thing and he does his. We have agreed to disagree. I have not made life easy in my search for a spiritual way, but he has let me do my thing.
I didn't grow up with anything but always had a spiritual center. We did not talk about religion because the first 5 years of us being together it never came up. That changed when the first child was born..... Omg I all of a sudden went into overdrive. But it was not Christianity it was to be a part of something. To not raise my child like I was raised.
I look back on all that and my husband was very patient. As I found my way I also found that we both needed to have our beliefs and non beliefs respected. So we have found a way.
I found my spiritual path, I live in a family of Jews, and agnostics/atheists.
Everyone is respected.
But would I want my Jewish kids to marry a non Jew? No. And I will tell you why. They both want to raise Jewish children and that means they need to have a supportive significant other. It is really important to have a spouse who understands you and what you believe and WANTS the same thing.
For my child who is agnostic, he needs to marry someone who will understand his views on religion and not try to convert him.
Those who are in religions who believe they are saved will try to save a spouse who is not of their religion. The pull is strong to have a family who is a unit and religion will play a huge part. For religious people it is a huge part of their life.
I already talk to my kids about it. I will in the end support whom ever they marry but I hope that they really have made decisions about religion and that is a conversation they have with anyone they intend to spend their lives with.
Respect, you think respect is all it takes. K How long you been married? How many kids? How devout is your hubby, what religion is he? Your agnostic, I am not, I am an atheist, I am not sitting on a fence about it. I was married to a devout Mormon, for quite awhile, we had a son, whom became a serious topic with us on several occasions. I wasn't invited or welcome to their family get together, and I wasn't going to ask him to forgo his religious ceremonies and events, so yes I felt left out with a part of his life which lets face it, for the heavily religious is a big part, so don't sit there on your high horse and give some sort of sermon to me about how ridiculous it is ( considering you didn't go through it) or how you are the end all be all and only experience of marriage between religious and not. I have been married now for 18 years, to man that is right there with me in our beliefs, we are so much more connected then my ex and I ever could be.
Almost 7 years, 1 child that's our own 1 step son. With my step son all parents involved (my husbands ex, her husband, and my husband) are deeply religious besides myself. None of them have a problem with me, I don't have a problem with them. In fact, my husbands ex and her husband are devout Mormons, as is my entire family. I was raised in an LDS household. I was required to go to church (house rules) until I was 18 years old, as soon as I was 18 I left.
It sucks that it didn't work out for you, but the problem was NOT his religion, it was his family. I have never been left out of anything, I have been invited to family and religious events. The only ones I cannot attend are the ones that take place in the LDS temple, but that doesn't bother me. I have no desire to step foot into an LDS temple.
Not every situation turns out as poorly as yours did, if you can't understand that then that's your problem.
I have been through it. For you to assume that no one understands what you've been through is "poor me" syndrome, you're not the only person in the world who's been through what you've been through and for you to assume that only you could possibly understand is ridiculous. If you and your ex allow religion to come between you then that was a problem with the two of you. It doesn't happen with everyone, and that was my point. You'd have to be incredibly presumptuous to assume that all experiences will be the exact same as yours.
Nea you are right on track!! I am married to an agnostic/atheist who goes both ways in his thinking but has never wavered at all. In our 20 years of being together religion has been a bone of contention. We have made our peace with it and I do my thing and he does his. We have agreed to disagree. I have not made life easy in my search for a spiritual way, but he has let me do my thing.
I didn't grow up with anything but always had a spiritual center. We did not talk about religion because the first 5 years of us being together it never came up. That changed when the first child was born..... Omg I all of a sudden went into overdrive. But it was not Christianity it was to be a part of something. To not raise my child like I was raised.
I look back on all that and my husband was very patient. As I found my way I also found that we both needed to have our beliefs and non beliefs respected. So we have found a way.
I found my spiritual path, I live in a family of Jews, and agnostics/atheists.
Everyone is respected.
But would I want my Jewish kids to marry a non Jew? No. And I will tell you why. They both want to raise Jewish children and that means they need to have a supportive significant other. It is really important to have a spouse who understands you and what you believe and WANTS the same thing.
For my child who is agnostic, he needs to marry someone who will understand his views on religion and not try to convert him.
Those who are in religions who believe they are saved will try to save a spouse who is not of their religion. The pull is strong to have a family who is a unit and religion will play a huge part. For religious people it is a huge part of their life.
I already talk to my kids about it. I will in the end support whom ever they marry but I hope that they really have made decisions about religion and that is a conversation they have with anyone they intend to spend their lives with.
Jazzymom, something tells me you are probably a little easier to live with than my ex became!! I read your posts and while I dont believe in God, I have a great deal of respect for you and your understanding and non-condemnation of us non-believers. My ex was the opposite, or lets just say, became that way over time. When our son was born, fights would ensue when I objected to him putting him through hours of bible study. I wanted my son to be able to decide for himself. I held my tongue for along time, when he would be around his family, it was VERY hard to listen to them.
You know what Nea1... let me tell you a little bit about what I went through when I was 18.
I lived in Utah when I left the LDS church, my entire extended family and all of my friends are LDS. When I was open with them and let them know that I didn't believe in the religion while my parents and siblings were OK with it (in fact, I'm sure they knew it was coming) I ran into constant opposition. To this day I still have an aunt that treats me like your ex-husband treated you. She tries to pick fights with, uses the "I'm so disappointed in you" lines, tells me that I will go to hell, etc. I had friends that decided not to hang out with me anymore. I had friends who would set me up with return missionaries in attempts to try and get me to come back. I had guys who dated me because I was a "project", they felt that they needed to "save" me. I lived in a really REALLY small town and I became a social outcast because of my decision to not be LDS.
Ya, there were a lot of people that didn't want to have anything to do with me and some that were outright cruel. That being said, not all of them treated me like that. There were friends and family members that understood why I became agnostic and respected me for it. I still talk religion with a lot of them and it doesn't turn into a fight or an argument. When I discuss religion I don't assume that I'm right and I don't assume that the other person is wrong. In fact, rarely when I discuss religion with someone else does it turn into a fight. I let people know that I understand why they believe, that it's amazing that they can devote so much of their lives to religious ideals, but that it's just not something I can find myself doing.
There are those out there who will push their beliefs (both religious and not religious), there are those who while they are deeply committed to their ideals do not feel the need to change others. Everyone is different, every situation is different. You cannot assume that just because some people cannot work out because of different religious beliefs that doesn't mean that ALL couples cannot work out.
I'm able to discuss religion with my husband, my family, and my friends who are all religious and have it not become a point of contention for us.
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